"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian." --Dennis Wholey "What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left." --Oscar Levant Would you be more content with six million dollars or six children? Six children, certainly. Because a man with six million dollars will always want more. "To reach college athletes, the NCAA announced they are launching an anti-gambling campaign on the Cartoon Network. You know what's sad about that? Not the gambling, but the fact the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network." --Jay Leno "They say that the security arrangements for the up coming presidential inauguration will be the most extensive in history. And that's just to keep the Bush twins away from the bar." --Craig Ferguson "Dad's are born without the sympathy gene. You can break your leg, hobble into your house, and all your dad will do is look over the paper and grumble, 'Shake it off!'" --Robert G. Lee One-Liners When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. I have learned there is little difference in husbands; you might as well keep the first. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make vegetable stew. Before heading out on a family hike, we stood at the trailhead reviewing map pinned to a bulletin board. A red arrow on the map that said "You are here" caught my six year old's attention. Pointing to it he asked. "How do they know that?" At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!" A ten-year-old girl asked and received help from a librarian on how to use the card catalog. In a little while, the girl approached the librarian again, wanting to know how to spell "tequila." "T-e-q-u-i-l-a," spelled the librarian, as the girl thanked her and went back to her search. A short time later she came to the desk, looking quite distraught. "I just can't find it," she said. "What book are you looking for, honey?" the librarian asked. Replied the little girl, "Tequila Mockingbird." When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says... "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800- GAMBLER." So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?" As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks to organizations on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars. "Giving these presentations is part of my job," I said. "Could I donate the money to one of your causes?" "That would be wonderful," she gushed. "We have just the program that could use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers." Our three year-old Granddaughter, Audrey, had just been through an episode of potty training by her Mom, who expressed concerns about her slow progress. Audrey, somewhat tired of the process, turned to her Mother and asked: "Can't we forget the potty training and just be friends?" Little Johnny is at it again A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!" At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!" Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" 20 Signs that the Enterprise is Nearing the End of it's Warranty 1. Impulse engines stall when used in reverse. 2. Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at "88". 3. Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays. 4. Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now help up by phone book. 5. Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with "w". 6. Booster cables become permanent fixtures in transporter room. 7. Captain's chair must be propped up against screen to keep image from flickering. 8. Guinan stops wearing large, heavy hats for fear of falling through squeaky part of floor in 10-forward. 9. Main sensor array unable to pick up anything except CBS. 10. Lower part of bridge falls even lower and ramps along either side become too steep for crew to climb. 11. Turbolift cannot climb past deck 5 when there are more than 2 people on board. 12. Holodeck becomes caught in an infinite loop: ship is overcome by ten thousand care bears. 13. Ship cannot enter warp while food dispenser is making Kraft macaroni and cheese. 14. Food dispenser in 10-forward will only serve light beer. 15. Bug in main computer speech processor: computer voice will either stutter or talk like Barbara Walters. 16. Untraceable glitch in plumbing periodically replaces water in Wesley's shower with frozen concentrated orange juice. 17. Ship's dryer indiscriminately shreds crew's uniforms, and related problem in fabrication machinery will only produce new clothing with Roger Rabbit caricature prominently displayed. 18. Computer refuses to carry out commands unless captain says "Pretty please with sugar on it". 19. Replacement parts for automatic door to captain's ready room are exhausted and door must be replaced with bead curtains. 20. Saucer section separates whenever ship makes left turn. There once was a 94 year old nun back in the 1890s whose worn out body began to surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax her. However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour. As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom. "Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!" An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?" Going Camping? 8 tips on better camping: 1. When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. 2. Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants. 3. Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire. 4. When smoking a fish, never inhale. 5. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. 6. While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. 7. Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match. 8. You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car. A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold 'a genie' appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a good man." The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that map again..." Getting Snow? A diary of one person's love of snow... December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season: we took out cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print: so romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: Woke to a blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the 1st time in years & felt like a boy again. Did the both driveway and sidewalks. Later, the snowplow came along & I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12: Sun melted all the lovely snow but good neighbour said we'd have a white Christmas. Then commented that by the end on Winter, I'd never want to see snow again. December 14: Snow, Lovely snow! 8" last night and cold, too. Wind took my breath away but warmed up shoveling. This is the life! Later the snowplow came back, again, but I'm getting in better shape. Just wish I didn't huff & puff so much. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold the van and bought a 4x4; snow tires for the wife's car & 2 extra. Shoveled, then stocked the freezer. Wife wants a wood stove in case power goes off. I think that's silly - we aren't in Alaska... December 16: Ice storm this morning. Landed on my butt trying to salt the driveway. Hurt real bad. Wife laughed for an hour. (I think that was very cruel.) December 17: Too cold and icy to go anywhere. Power was off for 5 hours. Piled on blankets to stay warm with nothing to do but stare at the wife & try not to upset her. Can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. (Won't admit that I should have bought wood stove: hate it when she's right.) December 20: Power's back on and had another 14" of the stuff. Shoveled all day. Snowplow came by twice. Kids too busy playing hockey to help. Hardware store sold out. Next shipment of snow blowers due in March. Neighbour says I have to shovel or city will have it done and bill me. (Think he's lying...) December 22: White Christmas!!! 13" more of the white stuff & its so cold, it won't melt 'til August. Tried to shovel - just too tired. Tried to get help from neighbour who has snow plow on his truck but he said he was too busy. (Sure he's lying.) December 23: Only 2" of snow today and had warmed up to 0. Wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? Says she did. (Think she's lying.) December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. I'm gonna get snow plow driver. (I know he waits around the corner to see if I'm finished, then roars by at a 100, sending snow flying all over.) Wife wanted me to sign carols with her & open our presents, but I was busy watching for the darn snow plow. December 25: Merry Christmas. Another 20" of the slop. Snowed in again & the idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I wanted to hit him over the head with my shovel. Wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot and if I have to watch "It's a wonderful Life" one more time, I'll throw her in the snowbank. December 26: Still snowed in. December 27: Temperature dropped another 30 degrees and the pipes froze. December 28: Warmed up to -25. Still snowed in and the wife is making me crazy!!!!!! December 29: Another 10" & neighbour says I have to shovel the roof before it caves in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. Another 9" in forecast. December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house: no more shoveling. January 8: I feel sooooo good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?