"When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called me slow." - Kathy Buckley Linda and Jill were chatting over coffee. Said Linda, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye." Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Oww!" she cried. "There it goes again!" Said Jill, "Take the spoon out of the cup." A Florida officer pulls over an eighty-year-old teacher because her hand signals were confusing. "First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you waved your hand up and down, then you turned left," said the officer. "I decided not to turn right," she explains. "Then why the up and down?" asks the officer. "Officer," she sniffs, "I was erasing!" New Slogans for Federal Agencies The National Institute on Aging ... "Celebrating our 39th Year!" The Department of the Interior ... "Oddly, All Our Stuff is Outdoors!" The Internal Revenue Service ... "What's in YOUR wallet?!" The Central Intelligence Agency ... "The White Swans Fly North for the Potatoes" The U.S. Postal Service ... "When it Absolutely, Positively, Has to Be There in a Week or So" After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless. The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays." Terms to Know TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches. DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love. PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods. PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened. SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it. SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut. SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink. CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed. EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are. FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western. OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve. MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue. COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone. EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver. OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings. BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself." BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers. TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity. New Excercise Philosophy Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.You are invited to use my program without charge. 1) Beating around the bush 2) Jumping to conclusions 3) Climbing the walls 4) Swallowing my pride 5) Passing the buck 6) Throwing my weight around 7) Dragging my heels 8) Pushing my luck 9) Making mountains out of molehills 10) Hitting the nail on the head 11) Wading through paperwork 12) Bending over backwards 13) Jumping on the bandwagon 14) Balancing the books 15) Running around in circles 16) Eating crow 17) Tooting my own horn 18) Climbing the ladder of success 19) Pulling out the stops 20) Adding fuel to the fire 21) Opening a can of worms 22) Putting my foot in my mouth 23) Starting the ball rolling 24) Going over the edge 25) Picking up the pieces Happy Exercising... Talent A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?" "Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck. "Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me." So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck looks confused and asks: "What the heck do they want with a plasterer?" Messy Husband A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things." The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.'" The first woman asked, "Did it help?" Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since." I've learned....That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class. I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned.... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned.... That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you. I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds. I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. I've learned.... That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks. I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. I've learned.... That life is tough, but I'm tougher. I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss. I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. I've learned.... That I wish I could have told those I cared about that I love them one more time before they passed away. I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks. I've learned.... That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it. I've learned.... That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. I've learned.... That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation. I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers and of course, spelling! 1. Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. 3. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it. 4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too. 5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. ( I did not know this). 6. Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. 7. In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on tv now. 8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus." 9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems. 10.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. 11. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. 12. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure, he invented cigarettes and started smoking. 13. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. 14. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that that I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. 15. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. 16. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 17. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. 18. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 19. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. 20. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. 21. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. 22. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. 23. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why. 24. Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it. 25. Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken. 26. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now please sit back and relax... "OH MY GOD."....... The passengers sat in silence, waiting for the terrible news. Then the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the Flight-Attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants." A passenger from Coach yelled out, "That's nothing, You should see the back of Mine."