Welcome to the first smilers issue for 2005 Last year I posted 104 total issues, that's an average of 2 a week. I do hope you'll return often and keep smiling. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ! A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my stomach hurts." Her mother replied, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" She then prepared a bowl of soup. Later that day when the pastor and his wife were over for dinner. The pastor began to feel bad. Holding his head he said, "I have such a terrible headache!" The little girl looked up at him, giving him the sweetest smile that any little child could give. Then she said, "That's because it's empty, you have to put something into it!" Pet Sweater In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit. "Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said. "See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!" Just Can't Win "I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?" "Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive." Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Florida. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver... "Say, is this really a healthful place?" "It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed." "That's wonderful!" said the tourist , "How long have you been here?" "I was born here." Housecleaning (or maybe not...) I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me. I don't mind the dust bunnies because .. They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say. I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own. I don't Spring Clean because .. I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous. I don't pull weeds in the garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer. I don't put things away because .. My husband will never be able to find them again. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press". I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!! Falling Apart There's quite an art to falling apart .... as these years go by. And life Doesn't begin at 40 .... That's a Big Fat Lie! My hair's gettin' thinner .... my Body is Not. The few Teeth I have .... are beginning to Rot! I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub .... Not Chanel #5. My new Pacemaker's all .... that keepin' me alive! When asked of my past .... Every Detail I'll know. But what was I doin' .... just 10 minutes ago? Well, you get the Idea .... what More can I say? I'm off to read the Obits .... like I do every Day. If my name is not there .... I'll once again Start - Perfecting the Art .... Of Falling Apart! But til' That Last Curtain .... Decides to Fall, I'm gonna' have .... Myself a Ball! Some Really Good Questions 1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? 2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?' 4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? 5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice?" How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot? 6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? 8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures? 9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? 10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" 11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? 13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? 14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? 15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving! 16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you. Resume These are some (allegedly) real-life examples of what NOT to put on a resume. "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets." "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable." "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting." "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet." "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." "I am a rabid typist." "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business." "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far." "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one." "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me." "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers." "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant." "I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice-mail." "Qualifications: No education or experience." "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department." Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!" Viruses Coming to a hard drive near you, the worst computer viruses yet: AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for AT&T virus. Paul Revere Virus: Warns of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\>. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus." Instead, it's an "electronic microorganism." Government Spokesman Virus: Nothing works but all your diagnos- tic software says everything is fine, Instead of a Nursing Home There will be no nursing home in my future........ When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week). 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night. 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days. 7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. 8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them. 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. No Pets Allowed There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The man at the door says, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"