Check out this web site; very interesting set of pictures of a tugboat accident with a bridge. Last page has story behind the pictures. http://www.gcfl.net/stuff/tugboat/tugboat.html "It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They are in front of you in the express lane at the supermarket." --June Henderson "I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone." --Elayne Boosler "Late night TV is very educational. It teaches you that you should have gone to bed earlier." --James Dent At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!" A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty. Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?" The foreman replied, "Insanity." The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?" Blonde and Library Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it." The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!" The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics." INTERESTING, YOU CAN READ EVERY WORD!!! I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg! THE PAOMNNEHAL PWEOR OF THE HMUAN MNID Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. After a day of grueling maneuvers under the blazing Texas sun, the platoon stood in front of the barracks. "All right, ladies, think about this," bellowed the drill instructor. "If you could have ten minutes alone, right now, with anyone in the world, who would it be?" Amid much mumbling, one voice was heard from the back row. "My recruiter." Moving Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us. The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away. My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description: "Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party." While working in a clothing store, I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing nearby. Eyebrow raised, she said, "That's my jacket." The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?" Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, "who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?" A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "Johnny?" The teacher said. "I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and I hate history." A business man called a travel agent and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, the travel agent reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no, I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." The travel agent double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When the travel agent told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and everytime they have accepted my American Express or MasterCard." Church Bulletin Announcements These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. 2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals." 3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." 4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. 5. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands." 6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. 7. Remember in! prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. 8. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help. 9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs. 11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. 13. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. 14. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy." 15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 16. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 18. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 19. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.. 20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 21. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch. 22. Our church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility. 23. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 P. M. - prayer and medication to follow. 24. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 25. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 26. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. 27. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 28. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. 29. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. I went into a place where the cashier let me know that the cash register was not working. My purchase was $4.76. I gave him a five. After staring at the open drawer for several minutes while I waited, he asked me if I knew how to make change. I attempted to teach him how to make change and finally completely giving up, he said to me, "just take what you need" letting me go in the drawer for change. A sorry commentary on our educational system. This kid was probably 17-18 years old. More ...................... ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve,"was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as t o what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy." FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich. SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" A Horoscope For The Workplace Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out... MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can " concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter! MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager." SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager." CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to date your boss.