"The scientific theory I Iike best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline Luggage." - Mark Russell I asked my two-year-old to take his dirty clothes and put them into the hamper. He looked puzzled, and I explained, "You know; it's the place where we put our dirty clothes before they're washed." My son picked up his things, trotted into my bedroom, and threw his clothes on the floor on his dad's side of the bed. World's Easiest Quiz (Passing requires 4 correct answers) 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get catgut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 7) What was King George VI's first name? 8) What color is a purple finch? 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? All done? Check your answers down lower a bit ....... You and Your Boss: The Subtle Differences If you take a long time, you're slow. But if your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. If you don't do it, you're lazy. But if your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. If you make a mistake, you're an goober. But if your boss makes a mistake, he's 'only human'. If you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. But if your boss does it, he's being firm. If you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. But if your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. If you do something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. But if your boss does the same thing, he's taking initiative. If you're on a day off sick, you're 'always' sick. But if your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. If you're out of the office, you're wandering around. But if your boss is out of the office, he's on business. If you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. But if your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked. Two goobers who wanted to invest $100 they won in the lottery. They went to a watermelon farmer they knew and bought 100 watermelons at $1.00 each. After finding a good place to park and sell the watermelons from their truck bed, they started selling them at $1.00 each. When they sold that load they went back to the farmer for more. After selling several truck loads they counted their money and realized they still had only $100. After counting it several more times to be sure, Charlie said to Bobbie Jo, "This is getting us nowhere! We're just not making any more money here. We sold all our watermelons but we still only have $100. Something's wrong but I surely can't figure it out. " Finally Bobbie Jo said to Charlie, "You goober, I was gonna let you figure it out, but you're just too dumb since you didn't even finish the third grade. It's as plain as the nose on your ugly face that the only way we can make money is to get a bigger truck!" If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at: http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm Why is it? Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures? Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not, then what was the purpose of the bath? Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'? Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men? Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened? If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex? Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year? How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes? Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food? If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your spouse told you to? (Works for me) Perspective One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "It was great, Dad." "Did you see how poor people live," the father asked? "Oh yeah," said the son. "So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip," asked the father? The son answered: I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them." The boy's father was speechless Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are." Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have. Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Please pass this page on to friends and acquaintances to help them refresh their perspective and appreciation. "Life is too short and friends are too few." Thanks for being in my life. ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ 1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years. 2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador. 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses. 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November. 5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur. 6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs. 7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert. 8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson. 9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand. 10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange. What do you mean you failed! Pass this on to some other brilliant friends. I have no brilliant friends so I passed it on to my regular friends. Stupid Quotes On Tough Jobs that Involve Letters: "It's not as easy as it looks, being on all the time. I mean, what happens if I'm in a bad mood?" -- Vanna White, "Wheel of Fortune" co-star On Standards, the Mega-Rich and: "I'd rather not talk about money. It's kind of gross." -- Barbra Streisand, dodging a question about what she was paid to direct and star in The Mirror Has Two Faces On Disco Music, Importance of: "God had to create disco music so that I could be born and be successful." -- Donna Summer, disco singer On Giving It Your All: "I think we played hard, but it was a lackadaisical hard." -- New Jersey Nets guard Otis Birdsong on why his team had lost an NBA contest On Hostage-Taking, Fun For All: "[Being taken hostage is] an adventure for the tourist, because the tourist will end up learning about the customs of the tribes as well as their good hospitality." -- Abdullah Ahmar, speaker of Yemeni parliament, on the practice of taking foreign visitors hostage On Acting, Jean-Claude Van Damme's Interesting Insights On: "In an action film you act in the action. If it's a dramatic film you act in the drama."-- Jean-Claude Van Damme, interviewed on "Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous" On Segues, Unfortunate: "Speaking of animals, he married his wife, Suzanne, when he was in college." -- Mike Leavitt, governor of Utah, introducing Senator Larry Craig On Book Reviews, Cogent: "It's a very good historical book about history." -- former vice president Dan Quayle, about Paul Johnson's Modern Times On Civics Lessons, Vice Presidential: "There are lots more people in the House. I don't know how many exactly - I never counted but at least a couple hundred." -- former vice president Dan Quayle, attempting to explain the difference between the House and the Senate On Earth, Where Found:" [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- former vice president Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars. Seasoned Fishermen? Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow." The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?" His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat." The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?" Things You May Hear Just Before Unemployment... I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are certainly going to try! We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is, I'm sick of you. Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place. Today I'm going to mix business and pleasure. You're fired! I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work 'ever again'. Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow? Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree. "Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below. "What are you doing up there?" she called back. "I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!" The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!" The Seven Degrees of Blondes FIRST DEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!" THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!" FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "Ok, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "W." FIFTH DEGREE What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?" SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed The Delaware." SEVENTH DEGREE (This one deserves a five star rating) Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she sobbed, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?... They send me a BLIND policeman! Looking Good A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well...there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 AM at Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.