"Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets oiled, sometimes it gets replaced." 

"Don't approach a goat from the front, 
                a horse from the back, 
                          or a fool from any side." 

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he 
planned to be around for his 104th. 
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few 
people die between the ages of 103 and 104." 


Things you have to have, or be able to do, to qualify as an "older adult"!
1. Birth certificate printed on parchment with brown edges
2. at least one great grandchild to verify you're old
3. at least a few gray hairs
4. you have to have a cane and know how to use it
5. you have to be certified to ride in a car sense you're too old to drive
6. you have to know how to ask for help without making the senior
      citizen think you're making a pass at them.
7. you have to be able to grin between the wrinkles
8. you have to know the difference between a story and the truth
       since you've lived long enough to have been there when it happened.
9. the doctor, dentist, and optometrist know you by your first name. 
10. you know all the jokes because you've heard them all before
 

A man went on a ski trip, and was knocked unconscious by the chair lift. 
He called his insurance company from the hospital, but it refused to cover 
his injury. "Why is the injury not covered?" he asked. 
"You got hit in the head by a chair lift," the insurance rep said. 
"That makes you an idiot, and we consider that a pre- existing condition." 


A young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a long 
period of dating with no talk of marriage. 
One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. 
As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, 
"So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?" 
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him 
and replied.... "Thrown." 


The wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long 
after he had left.  She said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your 
lodge meeting."  "It was postponed." he replied. 
"The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate 
wouldn't let him attend tonight."  


When the power mower broke and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my 
husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the 'message' never 
sank in.  Finally, I thought of a clever way to make my point. 
When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall 
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.  
He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.  
He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. 
He handed me a toothbrush.  "When you finish cutting the grass," 
he said, "you might as well sweep the drive-way."   
The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile 
before all the casts come off.  


DMV Test
A Polish immigrant goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. 
He has to take an eye sight test. 
The examiner shows him a card with the letters 
 C Z J W I X N O S T A C Z 
 "Can you read this?" the examiner asks. 
 "Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "I know the guy."
 

Tourism Promotion
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
"All depends," the native drawled.
"Do you mean by them that has to live in this ugly, moth-eaten, dust-covered 
dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic 
charms for a short spell."
 

At the prestigious university there was a clear hierarchy that outlined how 
long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent.  
A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor 
was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, 
however; and students were afforded no such grace. 
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority 
in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when 
the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third 
morning running. 
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army 
when you sauntered in late like this?" 
"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired,
'How are you this morning, sir?'"


Long Putt  -  Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a 
slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that 
says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?" 
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. 
My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered 
around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on 
which he had written, "I can make this putt." 
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too. 
 

Checking Out
Showing his friend around his home, Fred started to point out all 
of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long 
years of marriage. "The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece 
we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going 
to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"


The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday school. The teacher 
introduced him and said, "Pastor, this morning we're studying Joshua."
"That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "let's see what you're learning.  
Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"
Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I didn't do it."
Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down the walls 
of Jericho?"
The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good boy. If he says he 
didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."
Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director
and related the story to him.
The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've had some 
problems with Billy before.  Let me talk to him and see what we can do."
Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the
director, the new pastor approached the deacons and related the whole 
story, including the responses of the teacher and the director.
A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and said, 
"Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from the general fund 
to pay for the walls and leave it at that."


(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by
her well-meaning husband.)
Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed.  
Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray
in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by 
bedside. See you around six.
Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to 
sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses?  
The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late.  
I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is 
in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.
Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap
powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up 
with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes 
hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. 
Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? 
There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. 
Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.
Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. 
Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm
         of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you 
     open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!
Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress 
shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the 
house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.


There was a woman who spent some months serving God in Kenya.  
On her final visit to a remote township she attended a medical clinic.  
As the Maasai women there began to sing together, she found herself 
deeply moved by their hauntingly beautiful harmonies.
She wanted to always remember so she recorded this moment and 
would share it with friends when she arrived home. 
With tears flowing down her cheeks, she turned to her friend and asked, 
"Can you please tell me the translation of the words to this song?"
Her friend looked at her an solemnly replied, 
"If you boil the water, you won't get dysentery." 


Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids  
It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter. 
Dogs cannot lie. 
Dogs never resist nap time. 
You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog. 
Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid. 
Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes. 
Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old. 
Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public. 
Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42 
Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000 
 

Quotes by Great ladies 
1. Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what 
      the hell happened.        Cora Harvey Armstrong 
2. Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut 
the ???? up with cookies.   anonymous 
3. The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. 
       Helen Hayes (at 73) 
4. I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. 
        Janette Barber 
5. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.   Lily Tomlin 
6. A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. 
        Carrie Snow 
7. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and you cry with your girlfriends. 
        Laurie Kuslansky 
8. My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my 
        head on the top bunk bed until I faint.    Erma Bombeck 
9. Old age ain't no place for sissies.    Bette Davis 
10. A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. 
         Rhonda Hansome 
11. The phrase "working mother" is redundant.    Jane Sellman 
12. Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. 
          Jennifer Unlimited 
13. Whatever women must do, t hey must do twice as well as men to be 
        thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.  Charlotte Whitton 
14. Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body
         starts falling apart.    Caryn Leschen  
15. I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack 
         me at once.   Jennifer Unlimited 
16. If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be 
          a horrible warning.      Catherine 
17. When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years 
         before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. 
          And they called ME slow!     Kathy Buckley 
18. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not 
          dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.     Dolly Parton 
19. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. 
          Sue Grafton 
20. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. Roseanne Barr 
21. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. 
          Men invade another country.       Elayne Boosler 
22. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.    Maryon Pearson 
23. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything 
          done, ask a woman.    Margaret Thatcher 
24. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage 
           and a career.    Gloria Steinem 
25. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. 
           Eleanor Roosevelt 
26. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. 
            Zsa Zsa Gabor