The road to the patent office is paved with good inventions. 

"A boy's mind is a wonderful thing. 
It starts working the minute he gets up and never stops 
until he gets to school." 

 
"Cash, check or charge?" 
I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled 
for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, 
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." 


On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher 
said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." 
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"  


Police in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, sick and tired of cell phone thefts, 
have launched a new weapon against the culprits. 
As soon as thefts are reported, stolen phones are sent a Short Message 
System text message every three minutes noting "This device is stolen.  
Purchase or sale is an offense," and signing the note "the police." 
A police spokesman admitted "the idea is to drive the thieves mad" 
and make the phones virtually unusable.  


Freedom 
The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher 
took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said.
"One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, 
we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room.
He stood with his hands on his hips and said, .  .  .
"I'm not free.  I'm four."


As a resident physician in radiology, I was speaking with the man whose 
wife was about to receive a CAT scan of the chest. 
While the nurse was placing the intravenous line, I asked the husband if 
his wife had undergone any other tests. The man named several procedures
involving various body parts, but he couldn't remember one particular test. 
Thinking out loud, he said, "What is that thing women have that men don't?" 
His wife was quick to answer, "A brain, dear." 


Street Name
"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the
young man said to the 411 operator.
"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia,"
the operator said.  "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Snake."
 

Frog Noise, please  
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and 
walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." 
The Grandpa says, "No." 
The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise." 
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play." 
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." 
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise." 
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." 
The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise." 
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?" 
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said 
when you croak we can go to Disney World!" 


A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.  
She charged that he had called her a pig. 
The man was found guilty and fined. 
After the trial he asked the judge, 
"This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" 
The judge said that was true. 
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. 
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson 
with no fear of legal action. 
The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, 
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson." 


The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists 
of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, 
stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of 
inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the 
coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. 
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is 
sweating it out During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately 
throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, 
approaches her and asks what is going on. 
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers." 
 

Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store 
known for its sexy lingerie.
To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. 
Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding
the same nightgown.
This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still 
have a very "with it" attitude. 
"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.
"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."
 
 
The Danger Of Typos  
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. 
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room 
port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, 
at her address, which began with JennJohn. 
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended 
up going to and address that began with JeanJohn, a Jean Johnson in 
Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was 
buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail 
and promptly fainted. 
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!" 

   
Druggist's Bad Day  
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband 
was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the 
druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." 
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand 
an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, 
"Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to 
go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the 
car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys 
inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. 
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from
the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of 
people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting 
on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. 
Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make 
change, and they spilled all over the floor. 
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still 
ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which
made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles 
on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. 
The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. 
It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. 
And Mister, I TOLD HER!"  
 

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department 
store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times: 
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, 
"Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, 
"D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"


Oldies...  Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. 
The following songs are on a new album called 
"Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies." 
Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" 
Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein" 
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" 
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" 
Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now" 
The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone" 
Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions" 
ABBA -- "Denture Queen" 
Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" 
Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out" 
Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair" 
Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper" 
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" 
Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising" 
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" 
The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" 
The Troggs -- "Bald Thing" 
 

Is this really true???????
WHY MEN ARE HAPPIER PEOPLE? 
What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear No T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are two more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on Dec. 24, in 45 minutes.
Duct tape can fix anything,including clothes and shoes.

No wonder men are happier!