http://www.mamarocks.com/fun_fun_fun.htm "If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them." "Addidas is coming out with a new $250 smart running shoe. This shoe is so smart it makes you spend $250 on it!" -- Jay Leno "Today I was walking through Central Park and I saw a tourist get carried off by a cicada." --David Letterman "Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on a Catholic." "You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip." - Jonathan Carroll My Drug Problem My generation just might have been lucky. I had a drug problem when I was young, but I turned out all right. I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions no matter the weather. I was drug to the bus stop to go to school every weekday. I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults and teachers. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents. Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and if today's children had this kind of drug problem, all of America would be a better place. A couple were having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that!" She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down. I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen... After about 20 minutes the man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?" What's for dinner? Can't eat beef......mad cow Can't eat chicken...... bird flu Can't eat eggs..... possible Salmonellla Can't eat pork.....fears that bird flu will infect piggies. Also trichinosis Can't eat fish....... heavy metals in the waters have poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies....... insecticides and herbicides Can't eat potatoes, pasta, bread, rice.......nasty carbs Hmmmmmmmm! I believe that leaves.......Chocolate. A man by the name of Tates designed the very first compass for large-scale production and sale in the United States. It was a very significant achievement, but alas, it proved not to be too reliable and many people who relied on it became hopelessly lost. It did however, cause a saying which is very much in use today to be developed... He who has a Tates is lost. Moving In Motivation My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered. While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms not tiled, nor were necessary fixtures installed. I was sure that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us. Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's last note: "After September 15, all work will be supervised by 5 children." A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more. On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, "Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?" The girl replied, "No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!" A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning." After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said, "Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!" Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned." A wholesale dealer who had a lot of trouble in getting a certain retailer to pay his bills finally lost patience and wrote the merchant a threatening letter. He received the following reply: "Dear Sir: What do you mean by writing me a letter like that? Every month I place all my bills in a hat and then figure out how much money I have to pay on my accounts. Then I have my bookkeeper draw as many bills out of the hat as I have money to pay. If you don't like my way of doing business, I won't even put your bills in the hat." There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot. When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?" To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!" My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won't understand what we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle. An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, "Boy, is she r-u-d-e!" "Yeah," he replied, "and I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l." A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man. She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think these are all mine ?" A salesman rings the doorbell of a suburban home and a twelve year old boy answers the door holding a can of Budweiser in one hand and a cigar in the other. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asks: "Is your mother at home?" The twelve year old answers: "What do you think?" A group of kindergarten children were on a class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," answered the policeman. "Well," wondered the child, "why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?" A man has not been feeling well and goes to the doctor for a check up. After the physical examination and a battery of blood tests and X-rays, he asks the doctor about his situation. The doctor replies, "You are very sick. You might not live longer than perhaps three or four months." The man, in despair, yet, with a glimpse of hope says, "If you don't mind, doctor, I would like to have a second opinion." "Okay," the doctor answers, "you're ugly, too!" Signs you're watching too much TV 1. The bumper sticker on your car reads: "What Would Dawson Do?" 2. In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline. 3. You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out. 4. In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest informercial. 5. If you're a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, "Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!" 6. You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, "Hey, I get 120 channels!" 7. Your entire CD collection consists of "Greatest Hits" albums by the decade. 8. You have a gold-plated "clicker." 9. Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel. 10. After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break My 5-year-old nephew, Felix, wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game. "You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?" "Five." answered Felix. "Okay," my brother said, "let's go." One fine day, Jim and Bill are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 7-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact a 7-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball. Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Bill, come here; I've got some trouble down here." Bill comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Jim? Everything OK?" Jim shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 8-iron! Apparently, you can't get out of here with a 7." During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?" The student replied, "BIG ones." I want to be a bear...... If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too. If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. Yup......I want to be a bear! The Idiot's Guide to Internet Success! Let's begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these): Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich? A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month. Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich? A: No. This is the Internet. Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich? A: Yes. This is the Internet. Q: How do I proceed? A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started. Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it? A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype. Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good? A: Perfect. Q: What does MLM mean? A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains. Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week. A: Conservatively. Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers? A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group. Q: That sounds a little fishy. A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good. Q: How else can I get new business? A: Spam. Spam. Spam. Q: I thought spam was bad. A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small. Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP? A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers. Q: What else can I do to promote my new business? A: Here's a list of suggestions: --Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners. --Join every free banner exchange. --Get your own free-for-all links page. --Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title. --Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites. --Hire a bulk emailer. --Sponsor a golf tournament. Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong? A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings. Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings? A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings. Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings? A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.