"The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors." 

Customer:   "We'll have a hamburger and a Veggie Burger, please."  
Waiter:  "Two burgers, one regular, one de-calf!"  

"According to "USA Today" the new trend in furniture is furniture 
       made of concrete. You thought it was hard finding friends to help 
           you move before!" -- Jay Leno 

"Do you know what you call people in Hollywood who've been 
     married for 3 years?     Divorced." -- David Letterman 

"A budget tells us what we can't afford, 
     but it doesn't keep us from buying it." -- William Feather 


During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor
was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might
find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if
someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"
The student replied.  "BIG ones."


A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. 
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the 
salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new 
outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached 
the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.


Interview Question
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer.
"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant.
"It means I don't get the job."


A mother and a baby camel were talking one day when the baby camel 
asked, "Mom, why do we have these huge three-toed feet?" 
The mother replied, "Well son, when we trek across the desert, our toes 
will help us stay on top of the soft sand." 
Two minutes later the young camel asked, 
"Mom, why do we have these long eyelashes?" 
"They are there to keep the sand out of our eyes on the trips through 
the desert," the mother said. 
"Mom, why have we got these great big humps on our back?" 
"They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, 
so we can go without drinking for long periods of time." 
"So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking, long eyelashes to keep the 
sand out of our eyes, and these humps to store water." 
"Yes dear," said the mother. 
"So why are we in the Toronto Zoo?" 


As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my purse under the seat.
Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found 
my bag.  When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers 
surrounded me. One man handed me my pocketbook, two typewritten 
pages and a box containing the contents of my purse.
"We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. 
"I think you'll find everything there."
As I started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, 
the man continued,
"I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, 
none of us could fit everything into your purse. 
And we'd like to see just how you do it."


After the egg hunt on Easter Sunday, the young farm boy decided to play
a prank.  He went to the chicken coop and replaced every single egg with
a brightly colored one. A few minutes later the rooster walked in saw all 
the colored eggs, then stormed outside and killed the peacock. 

Some of you may golf or know one that would enjoy these...
# 10  Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9  Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8  Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7  Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
# 6  Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5  Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4  Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3  Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2  Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1 Best Caddy Comment  Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old,"
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."


North Americans 
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime 
we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off. 
We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it 
can't go over 100 miles an hour. 
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National
Leagues but mumble through half the words our national athems. 
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then 
drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. 
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. 
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make 
more money so we can move back to the farm. 
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend 
three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. 
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are 
out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. 
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian place on earth, but we 
still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car. 
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and 
still have more divorces. 
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the 
world and more diets to keep us from eating it.  


Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force 
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. 
Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." 
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." 
Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." 
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." 
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." 
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." 
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." 
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." 
Solution: "Evidence removed." 
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." 
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." 
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." 
Solution: "Live bugs on order." 
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." 
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." 
Problem: "IFF inoperative." 
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." 
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." 
Solution: "That's what they're there for." 
Problem: "Number three engine missing." 
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." 
 
 
Interesting Facts  
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon 
features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie. 
'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand. 
The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's 
baby daughter, Ruth. 
Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the same sex. 
Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy. 
A group of unicorns is called a blessing. Twelve or more cows are known 
as a "flink." A group of frogs is called an army. A group of rhinos is called 
a crash. A group of kangaroos is called a mob. A group of whales is called 
a pod. A group of geese is called a gaggle. A group of ravens is called a murder. 
A group of officers is called a mess. A group of larks is called an exaltation. 
A group of owls is called a parliament. 
Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as quarks 
for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster Mark!" 
The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses were filled 
with straw and held up with rope stretched across the bed frame. 
A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep. 
"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about because 
on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three dogs 
(dingos, actually) to keep from freezing. 
Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used once, 
on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The skipper's 
real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was mentioned once 
in the first episode on their radio's newscast about the wreck. 
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak. 
Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the soap 
formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers wrote and
told how much they loved that it floated, and it has floated ever since. 
Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has 
about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the 
twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize 
what is occurring, relax and correct itself. (I don't want to know how they 
found this out - LadyHawke) 
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks 
otherwise it will digest itself. 
The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."  
 
 
Working Together  ---  Warning: Don't tell this one to a tough crowd 
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. 
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, 
"You're in charge of sweeping." 
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." 
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of the supplies." 
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to 
make a dent in that there pile." 
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile 
of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 
"Why didn't you sweep any of it?" 
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella 
that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no 
coulda finda him nowhere." 
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told 
you to shovel this pile." 
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a 
shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah 
couldnay fin' him either." 
The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand 
to look for the Chinese guy ... 
Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and 
yells . . . . . . "SUPPLIES!" 
 

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and
socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed
to meet for dinner at different neighbors' houses each month. 
Of course the lady of  the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their
house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a
meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over. A few days
before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom 
smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found 
the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. 
She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they 
are too expensive."
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild
mushrooms are poison."
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time
and it never has affected them."
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup 
and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms 
back home and washed them, sliced an diced them to get them ready go over
her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's 
(the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon 
grease on them to make them tasty.
Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long
Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she
decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to
come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her
head. It was first class.
After everyone had finished they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. 
The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.
About this time the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered
in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."
With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down,
she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call
for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will
pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all
there and keep them calm."
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance
was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their
suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter.
One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out 
their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, I think
everything will be fine now, and he left.
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and
about this time the town lady came in and said, 
"You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped ........