A magician accidentally turned his wife into a couch and his two kids into armchairs. He started to panic and thought to himself, "What on earth have I done?" He began to ponder, "How am I going to bring back my beloved family?" So, he thought for a while and decided a good idea was to take them to a hospital and see if the surgeon could operate and bring them back. He loaded them into his van and off he rushed to the local hospital. He walked up and down the hospital hall and after some serious surgery, he asks the doctor, "Doc, how are they?" The doctor replied, "Comfortable!" Two goobers were talking. One was explaining to the other how the Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies. "You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen sense of smell." "I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer." A professional athlete hit the ceiling when his nine year old son brought home a failing report card. "Well, Dad," explained the youngster, "lets' not say that I flunked. Lets' just say they failed to pick up my option for the fourth grade." Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him. Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire. Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate. Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross." Bristling, the harried executive called back, "I already gave at the office!" Kids in grade school think fast! TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables! TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?" JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH: H I J K L M N O!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O! TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: George! TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLIE: Me! TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I." ELLEN: I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am." ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand." TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog! TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPIL: A teacher. SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark? FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write? SYLVIA: Your name on this report card Kids and the Bible Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Christian elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by the children. They have not been retouched or corrected; incorrect spelling has been left in. 1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. 2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears. 3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. 4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. 5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. 6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles. 7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients. 8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments. 9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. 10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. 11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. 12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him. 13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. 14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta. 16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager. 17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. 18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his xhead. 19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone. 20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance. 21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels. 22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. 23. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan. 24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. 25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony. A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the "most" sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I will do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending. Foot in Mouth Disease ............. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," A congressional candidate in Texas. "Half this game is ninety percent mental." Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." Al Gore, Vice President "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." Dan Quayle "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" Lee Iacocca "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. "The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." Bill Clinton, President "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." Al Gore, VP "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman TATER PEOPLE Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Spec Taters". Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment Taters". Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters". Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet. They are called "Agie Taters". There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezzie Taters". Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are not. They are called "Emma Taters". Then there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others. They are called "Sweet Taters". Did ja ever wonder? 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 3. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea; does that mean that one enjoys it? 5. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final exam. 17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks? 18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? 23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? An elderly couple sat down for a quick meal. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink. His wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over and once again offered to buy more food. After once again having his offer refused, he finally asked the little old lady "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered.... "THE TEETH." A train conductor was tried and found guilty of throwing a person from the train with such violence that the person died. His reason: the passenger didn't have a ticket. He said it was a rule, "No ticket, no ride." The conductor was sentenced to the electric chair and sent off to the state prison. Years later, on the day of his execution, he was offered the "last meal" which could be anything available from the prison kitchen. He asked for a banana. Accepting a banana he then went quietly to the chair. When the switch was thrown he didn't perish. The Warden had to grant him his freedom. Both the Warden and the Executioner were astounded. After a while the conductor got a job on another railroad. Because of his refusal to cut anyone any slack it was inevitable..another passenger without a ticket was thrown from the train. The passenger died when he hit a telegraph pole. The conductor was subsequently tried and sentenced to the electric chair. At the prison the Warden was waiting for him and said:. "Since your last visit each and every prisoner executed has been fed a banana and it didn't keep anyone alive. So I don't expect it will help you this time. We've made sure all of the connections are kept nice and clean. We are ready for you." Years passed and all of the appeals were processed and the big day finally arrived. The conductor was offered a last meal and he calmly asked for his banana. It was served and consumed. As the conductor was being strapped into the chair the executioner related how they had asked other prisoners to eat a banana to see what the effect would be. He was confident that no one would "walk" that day. Midnight arrived and the switch was thrown. Sparks, smell of electricity in the air, and..the conductor just sat there!! Bewildered the guards let him out of the chair. When the Warden wondered aloud, "Why doesn't this process zap you?" the conductor replied "I guess I'm just a bad conductor."