"The trouble with wishful thinking is that it's usually 99% wishful and 1% thinking." 


Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? 
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. 
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? 
A: A wind tunnel. 

 
What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? 
Someone who stays awake all night wondering if there is a dog.  


A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.   
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed 
has to be taken for the rest of my life?"  
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.   
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, 
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition.  
This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."  


One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother
had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did mommy go?" 
In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." 
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment.  
Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?" 
The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple 
explanation would be the best approach.  
"Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around 
and sell plastic bowls to each other." 
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime... 
Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"  


I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. 
"I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, 
"But I don't think tattoos are a good idea.  
And the same goes for body piercing.  
As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes." 
I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness. 
Then came the 'coup de grace': 
"Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old!  You don't need a tattoo!"  


Lawyer News
"I have good news and bad news," the defence attorney told his client.
"First the bad news.  The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact
match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client.  "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 180."


A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. 
Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. 
So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. 
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, 
caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. 
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled. 
No one answered. 
"ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, 
AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME 
I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! 
AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!" 
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! 
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. 
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, 
"Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?" 
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home." 


A man goes to Africa on a safari. 
While there, he comes upon an elephant, in great pain, with a giant thorn
in its foot. The man very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly 
removes the thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then 
turns and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him. 
The elephant then continues on its way. "I wonder if I ever see that 
elephant again if it will remember me?" the man muses to himself. 
It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the States. 
He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, 
almost like it KNOWS him. 
The man wonders, "Could this be that elephant I helped so long ago?" 
He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving him the 
stare down, the man moves in closer, getting right up in front of the 
elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to cross the elephant's face. 
It reaches down... picks the man up carefully with its trunk... lifts him high 
in the air... THROWS HIM, CRASHING TO THE GROUND 
AND STOMPS HIM TO NEAR DEATH! 
Turns out it wasn't THAT elephant. 


The Atheist And The Loch Ness Monster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his
boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung
in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't
believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't
believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" 
 

Survivalist Training
A Scoutmaster was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the Alaskan
wilderness. "What are the three most important things you should bring with 
you in case you get lost alone in the woods?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were mentioned, 
such as water, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes, Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring?"
asked the Scoutmaster.
Timmy replied, "A compass, food, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that, Timmy?" the Scoutmaster inquired.
"The compass is to find the right direction, and the food is to maintain
you during the rescue."
"And what about the playing cards, Timmy?" asked the Scoutmaster
impatiently.
"Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone always walks
up behind you and says, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"


Walking can add minutes to your life. 
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a
 nursing home at $5000 per month. 
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. 
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is. 
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that 
I could hear heavy breathing again. 
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. 
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there. 
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. 


Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, 
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.
 The brunette team rode in the bottom deck of the bus and the blonde team 
rode on the top level. The brunette team down below was whooping it up 
and having a great time when one of them realized she didn't hear anything 
from the blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes frozen in fear, 
staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. 
The brunette asked, "What is going on up here? We're having a great
time downstairs!"
One of the blondes said, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
 
  
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing 
to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. 
The firemen yell to the Brunette, 
"Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" 
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away... 
the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato. 
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead. 
"Oh.....no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. 
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" 
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! 
The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the 
pavement like a pancake. 
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, 
"Jump! You have to jump!" 
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Blonde. 
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" 
"Not until you put the blanket down and back away!" yelled the Blonde. 


 Proposed Error Messages, Windows 2006  
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration 
for the planned Windows 2006: 
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN" 
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 
12. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 
13. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 
14. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 
15. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 
16. User Error: Replace user. 
17. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 
18. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been 
          deleted. The police are on the way. 
19. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient 
20. Netscape.exe... Bad file name... May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y) 
 
 
Why Universities Would Never Give God A PHD 
1. He had only one major publication.  
2. It was in Hebrew.  
3. It had no references.  
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.  
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.  
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?  
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.  
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.  
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.  
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.  
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.  
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.  
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.  
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.  
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.  
17. No record of working well with colleagues.  


A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the 25th anniversary 
of his arrival in that parish.  A leading local politician, who was a member 
of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little
 speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic.  Sooo.....the priest 
decided to say his own few words while they waited.  
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, 
can never be broken.  However, I got my first impressions of this parish 
from the first confession I heard here.  I can only hint vaguely about this, 
but when I came here 25 years ago, I thought I had been assigned to a
 terrible place.  The very first chap who entered my confessional told me 
how he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had 
almost murdered the officer.  Further, he told me he had embezzled money 
from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife.  
I was appalled.  But as the days went on I knew that my people were not 
all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding 
and loving people."  
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies 
for being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.  
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," 
said the politician.  
"In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."  


FOREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrives. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He walks up to
the Pearly Gates and is met by St. Peter himself. The good saint says: "Well,
Forrest, we're glad to see you." We have heard a lot about you. I must let
you know however, that the place is filling up fast, so we have been giving an
entrance examination to everyone. The test is short but you have to pass before
you can get into heaven. You need to answer these three questions:
1. How many days of the week begin with T?
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- that's an easy one. 
There are two of them ~ Today and Tomorrow."
The saint's eyes open wide in surprise: "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking,
but ... I'll give you credit for that answer." "How about the second question?"
"Now, that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I'll guess the answer to be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
"Shucks, there's gotta be twelve," Forrest answers, "January 2nd, February
2nd, March 2nd, etc."
"Hold it" interrupts St.Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I'll
have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on to the next and final
question. Can you tell me God's first name?"
"Sure" Forrest replies, "it's Andy."
"Andy?" exclaims the exasperated and frustrated saint. "OK, I can understand
how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in
the world did you come up with the name of 'Andy' as the first name of God?"
"Shucks," Forrest replies, "that was the easiest one of all":
ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, 
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.
St. Peter opens the Pearly Gates and says, "Run, Forrest, run!"