"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." - Garrison Keillor God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say "thank you"? William Ward Found in a fortune cookie: "You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery products." We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally." One question IQ Test... There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer... at the end / bottom of this issue. I'm a counsellor who helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features. I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself. Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford." Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!" An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall. The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?" Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!" Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his drink and says, "Bicycles." Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the peadiatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son. When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the paediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse. Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take with broccoli." How do you get to heaven? I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD." At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!" An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Girl, if that's all you want, get a TV!" Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was." "Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling." "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment." "Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time." "Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting." "It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home." "Scott didn't practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet." "Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard." "Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM." "Tommy wasn't in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday." Think About This . . . . . A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it's a free market. A toy company can out source to a Chinese subcontractor and claim it's a free market. A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it's a free market. We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico. We can buy shirts made in Bangladesh. We can purchase almost anything we want from different countries BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy. That's called Un-American! And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a powerful lobby? Think again! Please forward this to every person you know over age 50. It is an interesting point of view. Maybe this is an issue that should come up in the next election! Forget the 50, send it to everyone. We're all in this boat together. A Test Down Memory Alley - A FUN Test A test for the over 50 folks and for the young people under 50. The answers are below (near the bottom of the page) but don't cheat. 1. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." "What did he leave behind?___________________ 2. When the Beatles first came to the U.S. in early 1964, we all watched them on the, _________________show. 3. Get your kicks, _______________. 4. The story you are about to see is true. The names have been changed ____________________. 5. In the jungle, the mighty jungle, ___________________ 6. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the Watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the ____________ 7. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best, _______________. 8. Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was, ____________________. 9. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?___________ 10. Red Skelton's hobo character was ________________________, and he always ended his television show by saying, "Good night, and __________ 11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning their_________________. 12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front, was called the VW. What other names did it go by?_______&___________ 13. In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about,"the day the music died." This was a tribute to ______________ 14. We can remember the first satellite placed into orbit. The Russians did it; it was called __________________ 15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called the ___________. Answers below ............... Marvin found the following ransom note slipped under his front door. "Bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of your country club tomorrow at 10:00am if you ever want to see your wife alive again." But it was well after 1:00pm by the time he arrived at the designated meeting spot. A masked man stepped out from behind a bush and demanded, "You're three hours late. What took you so long?" "Give me a break!" said Marvin, pointing to his scorecard. "I'm a 27 handicap." Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs. Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it ?" I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. a hip replacement, new knees, fought cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my driver's license! An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdale's. "Bloomingdale's!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdale's ?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week." God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. A man had started a new job at the zoo, after many months of being unemployed. He was determined to make a go of this job and on the first day he asked the Boss "What shall I do?" "Clean out the fish tank" said the Boss. So off he went and started cleaning out the tank, when by accident he sucked up the beautiful fish with the hoover. "Oh no! What shall I do? I'm going to get the sack!". He put the hoover on reverse and emptied all the fish back into the tank but they were all dead. In a state of panic, the man wrapped them up in a bag and threw them to the lions. 'No-one will ever know about it, the lions will eat them'. The next day the man asked the Boss what he should do. "Clean the Chimpanzee cage" said the Boss. All was going well, he'd got the place looking immaculate when he accidentally hit one of the chimpanzees in the head with his broom. The chimpanzee was dead and the man got really worried because his job was in danger. He managed to wrap up the chimpanzee and again, threw it to the lions. On the third day the man turned up early and asked the boss what he should do. "Sort out the Bee hive" said the Boss. The man walked over to the hive and with all the protective clothing on, he felt confident that nothing could go wrong. Seeing the honey at the back of the hive, his hands went through, careful not to hurt any of the bees but he squashed a few by accident. "Oh no, I've really done it now, what shall I do?". Noticing the lions again, he threw the bees to the lions in the hope that they could dispose of them. The next day a new lion arrived. Trying to impress all the lions in the cage he swaggered over to them and said "Hi, what's the food like in here?". "Well, normally it's very good, steak and all that kind of thing but just recently it's been awful- Fish, Chimps and mushy bees!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Answers "A Test Down Memory Alley" 1. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet. 2. The Ed Sullivan show. 3. Route 66 4. to protect the innocent. 5, The Lion sleeps tonight. 6. The limbo 7. chocolate. 8. Louis Armstrong 9. The Timex watch. 10. Freddy the freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless." 11. draft cards (the bra was also burned) 12. Beetle or Bug or Punch Buggy. 13. Buddy Holly 14. sputnik 15. hoola-hoop Answer to IQ Test ............. He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses." If you got this wrong, please go dig a hole and hide.