People don't really dream in color. 
If they think they do, it just a pigment of their imagination.  

"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them 
in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots 
understand their language." - Mark Twain 


Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said,
"Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts
I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, 
"You know ...  I think I just heard a discouraging word."


A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho", and went out
walking with one of the hired hands.  Walking through the barnyard, the
visitor tried starting a conversation:
"Say, look at that big bunch of buffalos."
The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch' but 'herd'."
"Heard what?"
"Herd of buffalos."
"Sure, I've heard of buffalos. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."


Why ENGLISH is so Hard to Learn  
1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 
2) The farm was used to produce produce. 
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 
4) We must polish the Polish furniture. 
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 
10) I did not object to the object. 
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 
13) They were too close to the door to close it. 
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present. 
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail. 
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number. 
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear. 
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? 
 

Sad but True........... ?
Two Iraqi spies meet in a bar in downtown Los Angeles.
One starts to greet the other in Arabic, their native language. 
The other waves him off contemptuously and says:   
"We're in America now, speak Spanish".


Fans of '60's music, my 14-year-old daughter and her best friend got 
front-row tickets to a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert.   
When they returned home, my daughter said, 
"During the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights 
swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up 
cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the lights were the reflections 
off all the eyeglasses in the audience.  


Office Answering Message 
"Hello, you have reached an office that thought it was so smart getting all 
it's employees cordless phones. The person you are trying to reach is here 
right now, staring at me as I answer this call and searching desperately for 
their cordless phone in the mess on their desk. 
"It won't matter if they find it since they didn't leave it on the charger last night 
and the battery is dead. So you might as well leave a message with me and I'll 
have them call you after the 4 hour handset recharge period is completed."  


Life Lessons Learned From A Dog  
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want. 
2. Don't go out without ID. 
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel 
          by piddling on their shoes. 
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it. 
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap. 
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the face is effective. 
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility 
         (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed). 
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.  


A guy phones a law office and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. 
By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, 
"I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."


Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are travelling through
Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic 
light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses 
at them through the windshield. 
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?" 
"Turn the windshield wipers on.  That will get rid of the abomination," says 
Sister Mary Vincent. 
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around.  
But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. 
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican,"
replies Sister Mary Vincent. 
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the 
water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. 
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes. 
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent. 
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes.  She then opens the window and shouts,  
Get the h--l off our car!"  

 
A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. 
The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't 
comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself. 
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown 
out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. 
"Are you hurt?" he asked. 
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied.
"Three times around and you didn't wave once!" 


While waiting in line at the bank, a coworker developed a very loud case 
of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed 
to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a 
computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her 
terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check. 
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously. 
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have 
sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, 
"our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000." 
"It CAN'T be!" he cried. "You have GOT to be kidding!" 
"Yes, I am," she answered with a big smile, counting out his cash. 
"But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."  


Two men who haven't seen each other for many years meet on the street. 
One asks the other how things have been. 
"Wonderful, for a while," the other says. 
"I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful
woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone." 
"What a shame," the friend says. "What on Earth happened?" 
Says the other man: "My wife found out." 
 

If Men Got Pregnant 
- Maternity leave would last two years, with full pay. 
- There would be a cure for stretch marks. 
- Natural childbirth would become obsolete. 
- Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem. 
- All methods of birth control would be 100% effective. 
- All children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained. 
- Men would be eager to talk about commitment. 
- They wouldn't think twins were so cute. 
- Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 pm. 
- Briefcases would be used as diaper bags. 
- Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes. 
- They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy. 
- Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees. 
 AND 
- Women would rule the world.  


Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Soccer
1.  Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this
          way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.
2.  He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.
3.  And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.
4.  With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.
5.  Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the
          Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.
6.  If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.
7.  Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly
           suggests that he may be elsewhere.
8.  I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need
           to score two to win.
9.  If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.
10.  You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, 
           but there were eight.


Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central 
Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.
"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, 
"and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."
"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.
The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"
"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off!"


1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? 
2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use 
           the bubbles are always white? 
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that 
            something new to eat will have materialized? 
5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? 
            How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna 
              try to stuff in that slot? 
6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum 
             cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to 
               give the vacuum one more chance? 
7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? 
8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures? 
9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes 
               would they eventually just disappear? 
10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a 
                shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say,
                "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, 
                   "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" 
11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the
                 table you always manage to knock something else over? 
12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup 
                 is how close to the road the stuff is placed? 
13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer 
                 when we complained about the heat? 
14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? 
15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like 
                 your wife told you to do it? 
16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans 
               is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best 
                 friends, if they're okay, then it's you 


Why Men Die Sooner 
Do you know how tough it is being a man...? 
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, 
you're a male chauvinist. 
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy. 
If you work too hard there is never any time for her. 
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. 
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. 
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your 
butt and find something better. 
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. 
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. 
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. 
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. 
If you cry, you're a wimp. 
If you don't, you're an insensitive pig. 
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. 
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. 
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor. 
If you appreciate the female form and frilly lingerie, you're a pervert. 
If you don't, then you can’t be straight. 
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. 
If you don't, you're unromantic. 
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. 
If you don't, you're a slob. 
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. 
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. 
If you don't, you're not ambitious enough. 
If she has a headache, she's tired. 
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore. 
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN....... 


Employee Evaluations
These Are Actual Quotes Taken from 
Canadian Federal Government Employee Performance Evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom & has started to dig."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision & being cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards & then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus ... 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"!
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
"Donated his brain to science before he was through using it"
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train ain't coming."
"He's got two brains; one is lost & the other is out looking for it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm"
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."


Guess which of the following are true  No peeking at the answers. . . . 
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the  morning. 
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton. 
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs. 
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a  lot more. 
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart! 
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties. 
7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute. 
8. Babies are born without knee caps, they don't appear until they are 2-6 years old. 
9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in  lines. 
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498. 
11. The average housefly lives for one month. 
12. 40, 000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. 
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened. 
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute. 
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day. 
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep. 
17. The REAL reason an ostrich sticks its head in the sand is to search for water. 
18. The only 2 animals that can see behind themselves without turning their  
             heads are the rabbit and the parrot. 
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 
             "An Officer and a  Gentleman" and "Tootsie". 
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem. 
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white 
            paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk. 
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane 
            just  in case there is a crash. 
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle 
            built in 1903 used a tomato can  for a carburetor. 
24 Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from 
        women  who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery. 
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins 
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green. 


ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE ! 

(Don't you love number 16? )--------------------------------------