To have grown wise and kind is real success.

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 

When the customer started through the grocery checkout line, 
the bag boy asked, "Paper or plastic?" 
When the cashier presented the bill, he held out a checkbook and 
credit card asking, "Paper or plastic?"  


After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to town to avoid passing 
my favorite bakery.  I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and 
there in the window was a host of my favorite goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you...  if you want 
me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me 
directly in front of the bakery." 
And sure enough, He answered my prayer.  
On the eighth time around the block, there it was! 


During the last session of our teaching workshop, participants were asked 
to state their personal goals for the immediate future. 
One teacher vowed to update photo albums, another to lose weight.  
The goal that got the most response, however, was given by a slightly 
out-of-shape kindergarten teacher.   
"I resolve to exercise until I can complete a 20-minute workout 
in less than an hour," she said.  


The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo 
anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the 
older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. 
"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over 
to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. 
Then he turned to the young man and said, "All right. Get in."


My brother, a strict vegetarian, travels abroad for long periods on business. 
When he got back from Europe one time, he called our parents' home and told 
Dad he was about to pay them an unexpected visit.
Dad hung up. "The prodigal son is returning!" he called to my mother.
"Kill the fatted zucchini!"


Two men were fishing on a lake, feeling guilty that it was a Sunday morning,
that they were not attending church, and the fish were not biting.
The first guy eventually says: "I should have stayed home and gone to church."
To which the other angler replied: "I couldn't have gone to church, anyhow.  
My wife is sick in bed." 


THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a 
day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the coffee...
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of
him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty
mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas
between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was
full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and
poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked 
once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and
poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space
between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things-your God, family, your children, your health, your friends,
and your favorite passions-things that if everything else was lost and only
they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other
things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else-the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room
for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all
your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the
things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are
critical to your happiness. Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups Take your partner out to dinner. Play
another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the
disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented.  The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to
show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always 
room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."


WOMEN'S REVENGE 
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished 
to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for 
a television set in her purse. 
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. 
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, 
so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him." 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you 
can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by 
the root, and still be afraid of a spider. 

MARRIAGE SEMINAR 
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and 
his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and 
wives know the things that are important to each other." 
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" 
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Pillsbury, isn't it? 
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here. 

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS 
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. 
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. 
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. 
She directs him down the correct aisle. 
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball 
of string on the counter. 
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for 
some tampons for your wife? 
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the 
store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. 
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she. 
(Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :-) 

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to 
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, 
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" 
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." 

WORDS 
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use 
a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be 
because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to
his wife and asked, "What?" 

CREATION 
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and 
so beautiful all at the same time. " 
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. 
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; 
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! 

WHO DOES WHAT 
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the 
coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up 
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." 
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should 
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." 
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man 
should do the coffee." 
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." 
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at 
the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS" 


Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal 
with her; he would only look at it after she had spent a few hours trying to 
wrestle it into shape. Only then would he lend his expertise. 
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, 
Cindy said proudly, "There!  I've done it!  I made it balance!" 
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. 
"Let's see...mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." 
His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry.  
"It says here ESP, 615.00.  What is that?" 
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!!!"  


The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, 
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he
motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.  
When I got fired, you were there to support me. 
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.  
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.  
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. And you know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."


I remember an old car I used to own.  
You know the kind, ratty and raggedy, driven when I was a poor college 
student.  I was having trouble with something I couldn't readily identify 
myself, so I took it into the shop. 
The mechanic looked at it a couple of minutes and said, 
"What you really need is the radiator cap solution." 
"Oh," I said, trying not to sound too confused.  
"Do you mean the radiator cap isn't holding enough pressure?" 
"That's part of the problem" he said.  
"What you really need to do is lift the radiator cap and drive 
another car under it.  Then the next day you can replace the radiator 
cap, and it should solve your problem."  



THEY RUN OUR COUNTRY?   This will make you wonder.
I have been a Travel Agent for thirty Years. This is why we're in  trouble!

I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her 
hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.
I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,
then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, 
but Capetown is in Massachusetts." 
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, 
"Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ..(click).

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. 
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting 
an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in 
the middle of the state. 
He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 
"Is it possible to see England from Canada?" 
I said, "No." 
She said, "But they look so close on the map."

An aide for a Bush cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent
a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only
a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car,
he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive
between the gates to save time."

An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into
Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead
of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" 
I said, "No, why do you ask?" 
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my 
luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight.  I think that is very rude?" 
After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' (I was actually 
laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), 
and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.  
After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to 
California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do
I know which plane to get on?" 
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight 
number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. 
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" 
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. 
She said, "Yeah, whatever!"

A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents
he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about 
passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 
"Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to 
have one of those." 
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him 
this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have 
accepted my American Express!"

A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations,
"I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." 
The agent was at a loss for words.  Finally, the agent said, 
"Are you sure that's the name of the town?" 
"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. 
After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, 
I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino 
anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows 
where it is. Check your map!" 
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" 
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.

Now you know why Government is in the shape that it's in.
Be sure to vote!!!!