"When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm." "Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall." This web page is a test of your mouse skills Click and hold on red square, move avoiding blue ones. http://www.mtbireland.com/dodge.html I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, "Have you got frog's legs?" He said, "Yes." So I said, "Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich." A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??" A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!" After shopping at a busy store, another woman and I happened to leave at the same time, only to be faced with the daunting task of finding our cars in the crowded parking lot. Just then my car horn beeped, and I was able to locate my vehicle easily. Wow," the woman said. "I sure could use a gadget like that to help me find my car." "Actually," I replied, "that's my husband." My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall. "Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found." I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet. Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?" He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and then replied, "I have pickle juice or water." After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams." Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet." When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. Her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day, when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping, a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!!" A seven year-old comes to class one morning after being absent the day before. His teacher asked, "Why weren't you at school yesterday?" "Well, my Granddad got burnt," he explains. "Oh dear. He wasn't too badly hurt was he?" the teacher replies. "Oh yes, they don't mess around at those crematoriums!" Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride, with Billy's mother. A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mom bought each one of them a bar. Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you." "Why not?" asked Billy. Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute." A mathematics teacher came into the faculty room after she'd been watching a basketball game. Her face was glowing. "I've got the greatest idea for teaching!" she exclaimed. "What do you mean? What's the idea?" asked a couple of colleagues. "Well, you know how hard it is for us to really teach fractions? The kids just don't seem to be motivated to learn them." "Yes, it's true," said a fellow math teacher. "So?" "Well, the solution is to change the system of scoring in basketball. A free-throw, 2 2/3 point; a basket, 3 1/7, and a foul, 7/8 points!" The following advertisement appeared in a physical culture magazine: "Here's a good test for stomach muscles. Clasp your hands over your head and place your feet together on the floor. Now bend to the right at the waist as you sit down to the left of your feet. Now by sheer muscular control, haul yourself up, bend to the left and sit down on the floor to the right of your feet. Keep this up and let us know of the result." The first letter received by the magazine said "HERNIA" Noah was standing at the gangplank checking off the pairs of animals when he saw three camels trying to get on board. "Wait a minute!" he said. "Two each is the limit. One of you will have to stay behind." "It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the camel whose back is broken by the last straw." "I'm the one people swallow while straining at a gnat," said the second. "And I am the one that shall pass through the eye of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter heaven." said the third. "Well, I guess you had better all come in," said Noah, "the world is going to need all of you." Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look- alike apologized, "Pardon me!" "That's quite all right," the woman replied. "You look just like my fourth husband." "Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?" She winked at him and said, "Three." Bring a sock puppet with you to the restaurant. When asked for your order, consult the sock and talk to the sock throughout the meal. When you get the check, argue with the sock about who should pay. Then say, "Fine! You pay," throw the sock on the table and walk out. I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my golden retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, Now you stay ..... Do you hear me?... Stay!.. Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde, gave me a strange look and said. "Why don't you just put it in park?"???? A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss feeling very sorry for her says, "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!" As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself - Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my butt. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!" One Sunday morning, while stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, I was in line for breakfast and noticed that the cook behind the counter looked kind of harassed. After I gave him my order, he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Not wanting to burden him further, I said cheerfully, "Oh, whatever is easiest for you." With that, he took two eggs, cracked them open onto my plate and handed it back to me. You Are A Bad Cook If... The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven. You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark! Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop. The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter. Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies. You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better. You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew. Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like. The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols. You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer. You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece. Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat. Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk. When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial. Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren. Your microwave display reads "TILT!" Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which. You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan. You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware. Your family prays AFTER they eat! The Chicken Crossing the Road So Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? GEORGE W BUSH We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. Our side of the road is the right side of the road and the chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground for any chicken. COLIN POWELL Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. DONALD RUMSFELD I have known about the chicken crossing the road for several months. I was investigating why the chicken moved but didn't feel it was necessary to alert anyone. HANS BLIX We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. JOHN KERRY Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it! RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV. PAT BUCHANAN To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American. RUSH LIMBAUGH I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build road for chickens to cross. MARTHA STEWART No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any inside information. DR SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told. ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die in the rain. Alone. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together -- in peace. ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. KARL MARX It was a historic inevitability. CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before. SIGMOND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL GATES I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook... and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE That was my chicken! I invented the chicken. COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?