"There will always be prayer in schools as long as there are exams." "Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away...if your car could go straight upwards." -- Sir Fred Hoyle Always follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. "The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life." -- George Carlin Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Women! Confusion is one woman plus one left turn; Excitement is two women plus one secret; Bedlam is three women plus one bargain; Chaos is four women plus one lunch check Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from sports to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy cooking in it?" asked the second. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way, 'Take a clean dish and...'" Some teachers at state universities get to know our students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage. A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well. "What was her answer?" the instructor asked. "I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet." A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts." "He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening." Birthday Heart Attack Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card. He quickly found a son-to-father card, but neglected to read it carefully. Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud, "Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ." Two farmers were comparing notes on the poor harvest. "Jeb, I'm telling you the wheat was so poor I had to harvest it with scissors." "That's nothing, Grady. I had to lather my field and shave it." My mother is a cleaning fanatic. One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess. As she watched us work, it was clear that Mom was completely dissatisfied with our cleaning efforts and let us know it. Finally my brother, exasperated with having to do it all over, reached for a broom and asked Mom, "Can I use this, or were you planning to go somewhere?" The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and 'I understand. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'You're putting me on!!! What happened next?'" Signs Found In Kitchens 1. Kitchen closed - - this chick has had it! 2. Martha Stewart doesn't live here!! 3. I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat too! 4. So this isn't Home Sweet Home... Adjust! 5. Ring Bell for Maid Service...If no answer do it yourself! 6. I clean house every other day.... Today is the other day! 7. If you write in the dust, please don't date it! 8. I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! 9. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! 10. A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. 11. COOK CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! 12. I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 13. If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards. 14. You may touch the dust in this house...but please don't write in it! Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning. Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand! Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is. Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste. Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.. Bonus Commandment story. A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!" The speaker at a bank's drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and the tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with their frustrated customers. One day a sweet elderly lady who came to the drive-in every week pulled up to the window, leaned out, and smacked the glass in front of the teller's face. "I hope this is bulletproof," she yelled. There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so the teller was touched by her concern. "It is," the teller yelled back. "Good," she continued, "because someone is going to shoot you if you don't get that blasted speaker fixed!" Top Ten Signs You are At a Bad Baptismal Service 10. The Coast Guard is involved. 9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks. 8. Pastor wears scuba gear. 7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws." 6. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?". 5. You keep hearing the pastor saying, "Oops! Honestly, sister; I didn't know about that drop-off!" 4. The pastor can't get the rather large person being baptized back up out of the water and calls for help. 3. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear. 2. Just as the choir starts to sing, Paul Hogan jumps out of the water and wrestles the preacher into submission. AND THE NO. 1 YOU'RE AT A BAD BAPTISM SERVICE: 1. Two Words: Alka Seltzer The Blonde who wanted to be a deputy The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." Then he said, "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" The blonde replied, "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" said the sheriff. So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! My first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" One for you, one for me! On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike. Dog and Rabbit As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs." Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever). All went well for months. Except for one thing. The family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area. One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained. The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive and punctual with rent checks convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog on the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area. Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out. Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction and possible jail time, he took matters into his own hands. He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK, he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage. Natural causes, right? Nothing happened. After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck. "We're moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighborhood." "Why? What happened?" replied Chuck. The neighbor replied, "Some sick person dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage." In case you missed this when it first went around... Artists updating lyrics to their songs... Some of the artists from the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers. This is good news for "those feeling a little older " and missing those great old tunes. Herman's Hermits "MRS. BROWN, YOU'VE GOT A LOVELY WALKER" The Bee Gees "HOW CAN YOU MEND A BROKEN HIP" Bobby Darin "SPLISH, SPLASH, I WAS HAVIN' A FLASH" Ringo Starr "I GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM DEPENDS" Roberta Flack "THE FIRST TIME EVER I FORGOT YOUR FACE" Johnny Nash "I CAN'T SEE CLEARLY NOW" Paul Simon "FIFTY WAYS TO LOSE YOUR LIVER" Commodores "ONCE, TWICE, THREE TIMES TO THE BATHROOM" Marvin Gaye "I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPE NUTS" Procol Harem "A WHITER SHADE OF HAIR" Leo Sayer "YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NAPPING" The Temptations "PAPA'S GOT A KIDNEY STONE" ABBA "DENTURE QUEEN"