"Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else." Charlie Daniels on the 4th of July: http://www.charliedaniels.com/soapbox/04/051.html I've done a few of those things and I never cease to marvel at all the new things I discover across the land....... T.W. Dog Owner: "Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner." Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer." A man was telling his friend about his upstairs neighbors. "They started to jump up and down on the floor at five o'clock in the morning!" His friend asked, "well, didn't that disturb you? Didn't you complain? "No - it didn't disturb me. I was practicing my trumpet." At the end of last semester, a fellow student complained about how he failed the English course. The teacher invited him to write a formal letter of complaint to the principal. I glanced at his letter to see how it was going. His first sentence read, "Dear Principle, it is infair and unposible that I faled english." Paul was a passionate masseur. For years he pounded, stretched, pulled and relaxed the most burdened, stressed, bent-out-of-shape bodies. Then late one day, rather unexpectedly, he was fired. Apparently his last client complained that he had rubbed her the wrong way. At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, "How on earth did you do that?" He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule." The Left-Handed Whopper In 1998 Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version. A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for his first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response. After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well. "How old are you?" No response. The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?" Immediately four tiny fingers went up. "Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?" Four little fingers went up once again. Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked, "Can you talk?" The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count?!" A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his parents and other members of the family had. Pleased with his response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked the little boy. After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it." Modern Medicine Modern medicine has come up with some great new stuff to make life easier ............ ( ? ) St. Mom's Wort -- Plant extract that treats Mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours. Empty Nestrogen -- Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out. Flipitor -- Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. Antiboyotics -- When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines and reducing money spent on make-up. Menicillin -- Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ..." Buyagra -- Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. Extra Strength Buy-one-all -- Caution, when combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura. Jack Asspirin -- Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number. Anti-talksident -- A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers. Ragaman -- When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself. Phone Calls Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please. Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct? Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off. Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven. Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure? Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland. Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please. Operator: Where are you calling from? Caller: The living room. Caller: The water board please. Operator: Which department? Caller: Tap water Operator: How are you spelling that? Caller: With letters. Caller: I'd like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please. Operator: Do you have his name? Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben. Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please. Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers? Caller: Er, yes. One day a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle the rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his pants. "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge. A second lieutenant who was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities." The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?" GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD 1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. 3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone. Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way BUT never forget to remember the blessings that come each day. Just like a baby Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really? Like a newborn baby?" Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants." This is good advise for NOT becoming a mother when you are this old!!! With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65 year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit. "May we see the new baby?" one asked. "Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?" "No, not yet," said the mother. After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?" "No, not yet," replied the mother. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?" "WHEN SHE CRIES!" she told them. "WHEN SHE CRIES??" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until she CRIES??" "BECAUSE, I forgot where I put her..." Ramblings of a Retired Mind - I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'. I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust." I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers! I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!" Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. And, finally (didn't think I'd ever get there, did you?) Heart Health Eating For those of you who try & eat "heart healthy" meals, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies: 1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.