There is more to life than increasing its speed. -- Gandhi
 
"I have a new philosophy. I am only going to dread 
          one day at a time." - Charlie Brown 

"The secret of creativity is 
     knowing how to hide your sources." - Albert Einstein 

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" 
"You're both old," he replied. 


An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, 
finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in 
and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 
'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"


A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, 
and asked her what their names were. 
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex 
and one was named Timex. 
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that? 
"HELLOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!" 


"How long have you been driving without a tail light?" 
asked the policeman after pulling over a motorist. 
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car and gave
a long, painful groan and put his face in his hands. 
He seemed so upset that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. 
"Come on, now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard.
It isn't that serious." 
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. 
"Then you know what happened to my boat and trailer?" 


How Was I Born?
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, 
"How was I born?"
"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, 
"the stork brought you to us."
"Oh," said the boy.  "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.
"Oh, the stork brought us too."
"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now
starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who 
read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write because there hasn't 
been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."


Ordering Coffee  
John and Jake went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. 
As they slid in to a booth, John wiped some crumbs from the seat. 
Then he took a napkin and wiped some mustard from the table. 
The waitress, in a dirty uniform, came over and asked if they wanted 
some menus. 
"No thanks," said John, "I'll just have a cup of black coffee." 
"I'll have black coffee, too," Jake said. 
"And please make sure the cup is clean." 
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in 
to the kitchen. Two minutes later, she was back. 
"Two cups of black coffee," she announced. 
"Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"  
 

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side 
burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. 
The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong
turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the 
hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid 
already  in place.
Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, 
he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the 
great beyond in style.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been 
putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that." 


Kid's View of Science
Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a 
     horse 500 feet in one second.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came 
    to getting hit.  If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only 
   stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found 
     them stuffed with explosions.
When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.  
    When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from  
     the sun, it is really only centrificating.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to  
    change back into a sun in the daytime.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which  
     way it wants to go.
Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know  
      they're there.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun.  
     But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.  
    Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it,  
     and that is the important thing.
Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will 
     kill the strongest man.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
It is so hot in some parts of the world 
     that the people there have to live other places. 


"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI 
Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that
often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters.
Here's some examples:
"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and 
    expertise." (And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.)
"Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. 
       If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity."
           (No problem ...)
"I am very detail-oreinted." (With the possible exception of spelling)
"I can play well with others."  (We'll be sure to tell your mommy.)
"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
               (A new twist on work-family balance.)
"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales." (Have you considered law school?)
"My salary requirement is $34 per year."  (They say money isn't everything.)
"Served as assistant sore manager." (Ouch.)
"Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle."
               (So you're willing to travel?)
"Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco." (Definitely to the point.)
"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend 
         could steal my job."  We're glad you're not bitter.)
 

The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down 
the street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class.
Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the
hundredth time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday, which he 
did and seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the baptismal
service began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home.  
His mother asked him why did he run home instead of riding with 
the youth minister.
The little boy answered, "Its all a racket, They get you there and let 
you make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get 
you relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services. 

  
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, 
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating 
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant 
meadow near her castle. 
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: 
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch 
cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn 
back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, 
we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, 
where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, 
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. " 
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly 
sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, 
she chuckled and thought to herself: 
"I don't really think so."  


On the first day God created the dog. God said, 
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. 
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. 
I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? 
I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, 
okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. 
God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and 
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. 
I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." 
And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, 
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, 
but can't I have the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey 
 gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch on 
 a rocker and bark at everyone who walks by. 
Life has now been explained to you. 


A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time.  
He was struggling with the language and didn't understand a whole 
lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, 
he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.  
Having arrived late, the church was already packed.  
The only pew left was the one on the front row. 
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone 
out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next
to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, 
so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray,
the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down. 
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, 
he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn't 
understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that 
man in the front pew.  
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements.  
People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping.  
He was, and so the recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and
he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too.  
Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation.  
A few people gasped.  He looked around and saw that nobody 
else was standing. So he sat down.
After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the
hands of those who were leaving. When the missionary recruit stretched 
out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: 
"I take it you don't speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"
"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family
had a newborn baby boy and would the proud father please stand up." 


The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from 
Ariel Sharon, the leader of Israel.  
"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Sharon wants to 
challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical 
spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths." 
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf
club in his hand.  "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked. 
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied.  "But," he added,
"there is a man named Jack Niclaus, an American golfer who is a 
devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him 
to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition, to 
showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match." 
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. 
Of course, Niclaus was honored and agreed to play.  
The day after the match, Niclaus reported to the Vatican to inform
the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad 
news, your Holiness, " said the golfer. 
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Niclaus," said the Pope. 
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played 
some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have 
ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives 
were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my 
putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous. 
"There's bad news?", the Pope asked. 
"Yes," Niclaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."  


Subject: Martha Stewart's Etiquette for Rednecks
GENERAL:
  1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
      rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
 DINING OUT:
 1. When decanting wine from the box, make sure that you tilt the paper 
       cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
 ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything 
         prepared by a taxidermist.
 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how 
         good his manners are.
 PERSONAL HYGIENE:
 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should 
         be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
 3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
      to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
 DATING (Outside the Family):
 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: 
        "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on 
          the bathroom wall two years ago."
 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. 
          Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," 
          If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get 
           her to school on time.
 THEATER ETIQUETTE:
 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
         immediately after the movie has ended.
 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
         Tests have proven they can't hear you.
 WEDDINGS:
 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
        and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes 
          for this special occasion.
 DRIVING ETIQUETTE: 
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun 
         is loaded and the deer is in sight.
 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
        does not always have the right of way.
 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, 
        it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.