A blonde walked into the pet store and, after looking up and 
down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help. 
"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady. "For which kind of bird?" 
he asked helpfully. 
"Oh, I don't know," she replied. "Whichever one will grow the fastest." 


Billy Brown decided it was time to buy a new house, 
so he decided to sell his old house and put the matter 
in a real estate agent's hands.  
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made 
wonderful reading. 
After Bill read it, he turned to the agent and asked, 
"Does my house have everything your ad says it does?" 
The agent said, "It certainly does.  Why do you ask?" 
Bill replied, "Cancel the sale.  It's exactly what I'm looking for."  


When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was 
water fights.  Dousing and bombarding one another with water 
from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets.  
Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition.  
The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.
Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar.
Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, 
ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it 
into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they 
could fool me with that old gag!"
It was then he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.


William's wife started noticing how forgetful he was becoming. 
Being the concerned wife, she convinced him to see a doctor. 
William was a little worried when the doctor came in. 
Sensing his patient's nervousness, the first thing the doctor did 
was to ask what was troubling him. 
"Well," William answered. "I seem to be getting forgetful. 
I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether 
I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going 
to do once I get there, if I get there. So, I really need your help. 
What can I do?" 
The doctor thought for a moment, then answered in his kindest 
tone, "Pay me in advance." 


A guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings
from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in 
and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when
his Ford Econoline ran out of gas.   
When asked how he could mastermind such a daring and otherwise 
brilliant crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:  
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."  


At the Waffle house, a regular customer was served his breakfast, 
but it arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. 
The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one on the floor
and was making another. 
Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen with the freshly cooked 
sausage on a small plate and said, "Here you are." 
And the customer said, "Look. It's the missing link!" 


Pregnancy Q's& A's
Q: Should I have a baby after 35 ? 
A: No, 35 children is enough. 
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ? 
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. 
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex ? 
A: Childbirth. 
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes 
        she's borderline irrational. 
A: So what's your question ? 
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during 
        labor, but pressure. Is she right ? 
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. 
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ? 
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. 
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room 
         while my wife is in labor ? 
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. 
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth ? 
A: Yes, pregnancy. 
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower ? 
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. 
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel 
          and act normal again ? 
A: When the kids are in college. 
 
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet 
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
        that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-" 
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practic e. 
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space." 
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus. 
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. 

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 
10. Cat's facial expressions. 
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 
7. Fat clothes. 
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow. 
3. Eyelash curlers. 
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 
AND, the Number One thing only women understand: 
1. OTHER WOMEN 

If Men Got Pregnant...  
Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay. 
There'd be a cure for stretch marks. 
Natural childbirth would become obsolete. 
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem. 
All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness. 
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained. 
Men would be EAGER to talk about commitment. 
They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute. 
Fathers would demand that their SONS be home from dates by 10:00pm. 
Men could use THEIR briefcases as diaper bags. 
They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him." 
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes. 
They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months. 
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree 
 

The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. 
He walked into the kitchen and immediately started yelling. 
"Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Turn them! 
TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE BUTTER! 
THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL! 
CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM! HURRY UP!!! 
ARE YOU CRAZY!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!" 
The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? 
Why are you yelling like this? 
Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?" 
The husband calmly replied, 
"I wanted to show you what it feels like for me when
 I am driving with you sitting next to me." 


Country Wisdom
You know some things never gets old it only makes more sense. 
My father called it Horse Sense :
Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but 
          how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked
Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
Meanness don't happen overnight.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, 
          not their houses.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.
Don't corner something meaner than you.
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar--assuming 
           you want to catch flies.
Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things 
           as flower or weeds.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
You can't unsay a cruel thing.
Every path has some puddles.
Don't wrestle with pigs: you'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it. 
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall 
          never cease to be amused.
Amen: The Ten Commandments display was removed from the 
Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a good reason for the 
move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit 
Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers 
and politicians without creating a hostile work environment.


[Disclaimer: This below is a joke.  GCFL.net does not know
anything about health. If you have health concerns,
contact a medical doctor!]

Some unexpected answers to those nagging health question
from Dr. Buford Teapotts, MD.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. 
Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... 
Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. 
Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like
saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. 
Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? 
Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is 
nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables 
to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good 
source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop 
can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance 
of vegetable slop.
Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. 
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into 
three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know 
that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the
periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? 
Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is
 one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a
regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one. Sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain = Good. Or better yet.....No Pain = No Pain.
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. 
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
A: Thicker gravy.
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft
around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach!
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO... Cocoa beans... another vegetable!!! 
It's the best 'feel-good' food around!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have 
had about food and diets.  Glad I could help you out!
 
[Disclaimer: This above is a joke.  GCFL.net does not know
anything about health. If you have health concerns,
contact a medical doctor!]


Are you tired of all those sissy "Friendship" poems that always sound
good, but never actually come close to reality?  Well, here is a series
of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
When you are sad -  I will help get you drunk and plot revenge against 
          the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue -  I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile -  I will know you finally got laid.
When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried -  I will tell you horrible stories about how 
           much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused - I will use little words.
When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well 
           again.  I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall -  I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath ... I pledge it till the end.
Why? You may ask. Because you are my friend
Remember: A good friend will help you move. 
A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

 
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. 
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. 
The father invites the fiancee to his study for a chat. 
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. 
"I am a Bible college student." he replies. 
"A Bible college student.  Hmmm," the father says.  "admirable, 
but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to 
live in, as she's accustomed to?" 
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us." 
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as 
she deserves?" asks the father. 
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, 
"God will provide for us." 
"And children?" asks the father.  "How will you support children?" 
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.  
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father 
questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. 
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" 
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, 
but the good news is he thinks I'm God."  


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. 
So I said, "Implants?"  She hit me.
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I don't approve of political jokes, too many of them get elected.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person 
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president 
and 50 for Miss America?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing.  If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed
up in the first place!
Don't argue with an idiot; 
people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, 
but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, 
but FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the 
Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Dear Tech Support: 
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and 
noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and 
jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the 
Boyfriend 5.0 system. 
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable 
programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable 
programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. 
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 
simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to
fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? 
Signed, 
Desperate 

Dear Desperate: 
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. 
Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME 
and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically 
run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. 
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default 
to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, 
Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that 
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create 
SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT install 
Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. 
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. 
It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the 
program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has
been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the 
Operating System. 
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have
a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. 
You might consider buying additional software to enhance 
his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 
and Single Malt Scotch 4.5. 
Good Luck, 
Tech Support