"A turtle makes progress when it sticks its neck out." "Dieters: people that are thick and tired of it." Q:What did Snow White say while she waited for her photos? A:"Some day my prints will come!" Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, the young daughter said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?" The woman shot her an angry look, "How dare you talk about your father like that!" While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt. "How does that help your hearing?" I asked. "Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder." The pastor had been disturbed by a person who was a fast reader. "We shall now read the Twenty-third Psalm in unison," he announced. "Will the lady who is always by 'the still waters' while the rest of us are in 'green pastures,' please pause until we catch up Home For The Holidays A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York and as she gave the agent her luggage she asked, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London." The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't to that." "Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that because, that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!" Boating magazine runs a contest for clever boat names. The following names Reeled in the honors: Brace Yourself (Owned by an Orthodontist) Sir Osis of the River Aqua Seltzer Out to Launch A lawyer's boat called ~ Watertight Alibi Meals on Reels The Merri Yot and, from a landscape contractor, Yard Buoy. A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day. The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again. When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads. The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV. When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem. The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader. There was a blonde girl and a blonde guy in a car. The girl was in the passengers seat and the guy was the one driving the car. They were on the free way when all of the sudden he felt like he needed to speed up. So he sped to 55 mph.. and he asked the girl, "Is there a cop behind us?" and then she looks back and says, "No there isn't." So he kept on going then he reached 85 mph and asked the girl, "Is there a cop behind us?" And she said, "No there still isn't." So he figured, now that I have gone this fast I might as well go as fast as I can. So he continually did. He asked the same question, "Now is there a cop behind us?" She turns around and finally sees the cop. She says, "YES HE IS CATCHING UP TO US!!" Then he said, "Well then are his lights on?!" And she says, " yes, no, yes, no, yes, no yes, no ......" A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was it?" The widow says, "Three carats!" Ten Things You *Don't* Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System........ 1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices. 2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts. 3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza. 4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!! 5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence) 6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff).... uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh.... forgot something..... 7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. 8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car). 9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway... 10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie. BLAME??? Let's See If I Understand How The World Works Lately... If A Man Cuts His Finger Off While Slicing Salami At Work, He Blames The Restaurant. If You Smoke Three Packs A Day For 40 Years, And Die Of Lung Cancer, Your Family Blames The Tobacco Company. If Your Neighbor Crashes Into A Tree While Driving Home Drunk, He Blames The Bartender. If Your Grandchildren Are Brats Without Manners, You Blame Television. If Your Friend Is Shot By A Deranged Madman, You Blame The Gun Manufacturer. And If A Crazed Person Breaks Into The Cockpit, And Tries To Kill The Pilot At 35,000 Feet, And The Passengers Kill Him Instead, The Mother Of The Deceased Blames The Airline. I Must Have Lived Too Long To Understand This World Today; At least As It Is Anymore. Soooooooooooooo, If I Die While My Old, Wrinkled Body, Is Parked In Front Of This Computer, I Want You To Blame Bill Gates... Okay??? Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Jill asked when she got the doctor on the phone. "No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Jill, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out." "Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around." This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less makes your life miserable. A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental!?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this very small but exclusive place over on Rome’s Tiber River called, I think something like, Teste or Testies" "Don't go any further." I know that place. "Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need plenty of luck." A couple of months later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And that hotel was absolutely great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, so now it's a real jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's Suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the really bad hairdo?" Advertising Terms Explained NEW - Different color from previous design. ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design. EXCLUSIVE - Imported product. UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition. FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments. ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it. IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming. FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment. HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit. FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does. REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope. DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with distributor. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work. BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it. MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix. MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours. SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything! HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it. A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order, he says "I want three flat tires and a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires and a pair of headlights and pair of running boards. What does he think, this is an auto parts store?" "No" the cook says, "three flat tires means three pancakes and a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards is 2 slices crisp bacon." "Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this for a while, and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer. The guy says, "What are the beans for?" The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."