http://www.mimfreedom.com/littlebitty.htm "The purpose of all war is ultimately peace." - Saint Augustine "Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?" - Benny Hill "Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." "Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!" A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too. "Oh no!!" he says. "I think I've been marooned!!" Interview on Aging Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home for the wait, is it?" I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But...Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license! A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!" An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over the Mall. "The Mall!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why the Mall?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week." Laughter sets the spirit free to move through even the most tragic of circumstances. It helps us shake our heads clear, get our feet back under us, restoring our sense of balance and purpose. Humor is integral to our peace of mind and to our ability to go beyond survival. Seconds First A young woman wasn't feeling well, and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician. "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that." The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!" Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit." The Dysfunctional Section in a Hallmark Store 1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life... (Inside card) - I've changed my mind. 2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life... (Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you. 3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am.... (Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me. 4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go.... (Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again. 5. Someday I hope to marry... (Inside card) - Someone other than you. 6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age.... (Inside card) - Almost lifelike! 7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me... (Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise. 8. We've been friends for a very long time... (Inside card) - What do you say we stop? 9. I'm so miserable without you... (Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here. 10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.... (Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was? 11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... (Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often. 12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... (Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep. 13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas) 14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder... (Inside card) - What was I thinking? True 911 Calls Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why? Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich. Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it. Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: Hi, is this the police? Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance? Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before. Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency? Caller: Fire, I guess. Dispatcher: How can I help you sir? Caller: I was wondering.....does the Fire Dept. put snow chains on their trucks? Dispatcher: Yes sir, do you have an emergency? Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and....well.... do you think the Fire Dept. could come over and help me? Dispatcher: Help you what? Caller: Help me get these chains on my car! Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid. Dispatcher: Nine-one-one What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart. Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband Dispatcher: Nine-one-one Caller: I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Darn...... Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the police Thanks to all my friends and relatives who sent me such important emails in 2003 & 2004! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! Because of you: I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS. I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, for fear that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me. I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Tokyo. I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogen they contain may turn me gay. I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs. I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine. When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody, for fear that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice. I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older. I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made, expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell. IMPORTANT NOTE: if you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7:00 PM. And dat's da truth! Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second party (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore-mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout. 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes. 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable. NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm". Bob, a 70 year old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs on Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all envious. They corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?" Bob says, "I lied about my age." His friends are fascinated, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90." It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9 p.m. he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon. I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding." She said, "Don't be silly. You can't give a sermon about horseback riding." He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of." The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this. You know, if you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service." He said, "OK, then, suit yourself," so she stayed in the car. Entering church, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that had the congregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window. One of them said, "Wow! You just missed the best sermon your husband has ever given." She said, "Yeah, right. What does he know about it. He talks big but he's only tried it twice in his life. Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times." Moses & The Lord "Excuse me, Sir." "Is that you again, Moses?" "I'm afraid it is, Sir." "What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?" "How did you guess?" "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?" "Oh, yes; I forgot." "Tell me what you want, Moses." "But you already know, Sir. Remember?" "Moses!" "Sorry, Sir." "Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out." "Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?" "You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?" "That's it. I was wondering if they are important." "What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you." "Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that." "What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?" "No, Sir; I forgot." "You should always save, Moses." "Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though." "And did you hear back from any of them?" "You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?" "Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning." "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?" "Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that." "I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?" "I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses." "Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer." "And what did he say?" "You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?" "They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses." "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them." "We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!" "I was afraid you would say that, Sir." "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?" "You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer." "It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?" "No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?" "No, Moses." "One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?" "I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to." "Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'" "Say good night, Moses." "Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back." "Which ones are they, Moses?" "Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'" "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."