Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins. "To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing." As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate. One night I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another, and after six games we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed. "How old are you?" I typed. "Twelve," he replied. "How old are you?" Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten." The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby. "When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them." "Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us." A man entered a bank with a rather large dog on a leash. He asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building. The teller said, "Yes, providing he doesn't make a deposit." At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise induced tension headaches. I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "I'm glad that's your baby and not mine!" Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man responded, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case,"replied the mugger, "give me my money." During mail call one evening at Marine Corps boot camp, I received several letters from home. The drill instructor was getting irritated at having to keep calling my name. "You must have a lot of people at home who like you, huh?" he barked. "Sir, no, sir!" I shouted. "Oh, so you're calling me a liar?" goaded the DI. Trained as a Marine to think quickly on my feet, I yelled out, "Sir, creditors, sir!" The DI had to leave the room so we wouldn't see him laughing. The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply... "Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics." A blonde is taking the driving portion of her driver's license exam. She handles most of the maneuvers quite well. She has a little trouble parallel parking, however, and winds up a couple of feet from the curb. "Could you get a little closer?" the examiner asks. The blonde then unbuckles her seat belt and slides over toward the examiner, "Now what?" An old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They could only come up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad snickered, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13." Readers of the Washington POST were asked to compose a very unwise line for a college application: "When I told my friends I was applying to LeHigh, they were like, no way, and I was like, yes way. And they were like, way cool." "Four years of fees at your institution come to about $78,000. Just bill my father and mail me half the money. He'll never find out." "First off, coach said there wasn't going to be no writing." "To demonstrate my love for your school, I have spray-painted your logo on my town's water tower." "College is probably the last place they'll look for me." Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel. Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked. "Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage." The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong.... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong.... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong.... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...." This is been a public service message for Women ............. so then may be able to better understand the Male. Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm l ooking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem. Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator). Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how on earth could he know where we're going? Because I'm a man, whatever you get your mother for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too. Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it---looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Waterology I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whether you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard. Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Apple Computer: You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier. Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow. Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast-feeding. Bill Gates: Not enough market share to be Microsoft Milk. C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug. CIA: What makes you think that's milk? National news media: Hey, we wanted OJ! Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking. NSA: We know what it really is. Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it? Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to that. Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how. Copy protection crazies: Somebody drank half my milk and didn't pay for it! Feminist: How come HIS glass is bigger than MINE? Free Software Foundation: That milk is the cow's contribution to all mankind! Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass. Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk. IBM: Rent the glass from us and we'll fill it with something we know is good for you. Idealist: In a decent world, this glass would be filled to the brim and big enough for everyone to enjoy. IRS: Thanks for getting your milk withholding correct this year. Mac users: Where's my pump? Schroedinger: That stupid cat got into the milk again! Security consultant: Where'd the rest of the milk go? Shareware game author: That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for. Editor's Note: Ask an engineer, and he'll tell you that the glass is twice as big as it really needs to be. The Future Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom. After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age. Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?" He replied, "Probably the same thing." RESIGNATION I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hotsummer's day. I want to return to a time when life was simple, when all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again. I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones. I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow. So . . . here's my checkbook and my car keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause............."Tag! You're it." This should brighten your day by helping you remember the Simple Things in Life.