Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America? Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? "Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal." - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building? Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher...and since it's in English, thank a veteran." "It is in the expectations of happiness that much of happiness itself is found. And it takes courage to expect happiness." - Earl Nightingale A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a man come hurling headfirst through the window. "What on earth are you up to? What just happened?" he demanded. "I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of the brick." A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said. "No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring. A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said. "Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat. Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend. "Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!?" 14 Letters Robert and Peter had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Both of them found the test a breeze, except that they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14 letter word for someone in charge of a plant." "How did you answer that last one?" asked Robert. "I thought it was tough at first.... then I thought of *Superintendent*." "I think I got it right too," Pete said. "But I wrote down Horticulturist." I have a 4 year old son and a 3 month old daughter. A couple weeks ago we were in a waiting room waiting for my mother in law and the receptionist was talking to my son. She asked him if he helped change his sisters diapers. He responded, "No, they're yucky, Mommy does that." Not the funniest thing, but then she asked him if he helped feed his sister, to which my son replied in his best 'duh' tone, "No, I don't have boobies!" At which point the receptionist nearly fell out of her chair. On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it. "It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly. The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head: "...underwater." Battery Life An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier. "Listen", the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!" "Sorry", apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that." Got Bugs? My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to comfirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household. One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, "Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us." There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, "Honey, it's for you....someone wants to talk to you about your relatives." I took my granddaughter to church camp for the first time last weekend. Behind the sanctuary is a restroom facility that is separate from other buildings. A common topic of conversation was a problem that was occurring this year - bugs and crickets seem to seek refuge in the restroom. One evening during church service, my granddaughter asked me where the bathroom was because she needed to use it. I told she could use the restroom behind the sanctuary. She exclaimed, "Grandma, I am afraid to go to that restroom because there are a lots of bugs and hypocrites in there." THE POWER OF PRAYER: After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to town to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of my favorite goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you... if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, He answered my prayer. On the eighth time around the block, there it was. Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him. The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street. The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at the door, insisting on seeing her. She went down and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills. "What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming, Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1." Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation didn't want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends to go in his place and tape the Rabbi's sermon. In that way, he could listen to it when he got back. When other members of the congregation saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things, such as play golf or go to football. Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi's sermon. The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi's pre-recorded sermon to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on their own machines. This was believed to be the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation." The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. "But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained. "That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this." "But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer. "No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars." Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. Two doctors happened along and noticed him. "Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow." "Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?" 10 Ways to Prepare for Next Season's Ski Season 10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up. 9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. 8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes. 7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. 6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line. 5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face. 4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler. 3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker! 2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom. 1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday. Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee. Bill slices his tee shot way left, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle. "Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there." "No way!" says Bob, "We play the ball as it lies." And so Bill did. After dropping his opponent on the middle of the fairway, Bill took the golf cart to his lie on the concrete path. Sparks fly from the cart path, as Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings. Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot only 3 feet from the pin. As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, "That was a great shot...what club did you use?" "Your 6 iron," says Bill. News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a U.S. Private were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?" Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job 'til the end. "The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Private, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the Private. "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Private. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Private went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead, dying or fleeing for their lives. As the Private was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?" "What!?" said the Private, "And have you liberals call ME the aggressor?!?" Top 10 Reasons You Need a Vacation from your Dogs 1. When your spouse's shocked voice shouts from the shop, "Honey, come quick, I've had a terrible accident!", you show up breathless with a mop and scent neutralizer. 2. You wake panicked in the middle of the night when you sense you suddenly have room to move your body around the bed. 3. You can't sleep unless you hear lots of heavy breathing in your bedroom 4.The emergency number on your speed dialer is for the dog's veterinarian. 5. When someone taps you on the shoulder, you tell them firmly, "Off!", then "Down!". 6. When tempers flare among your family members, you pull out the long forefinger, pointedly raise your voice and shout "Go to your crates, now!" 7 When someone asks what's for dinner you automatically reply, "Kibbles and Bits". 8. When you are walking a ring around the local park and someone points at you and your dog, you raise both arms over your head, whoop and go looking for a ribbon. 9. When shopping, your best friend asks you what you think of that snappy suit in the window, and you scowl and mutter, "Useless, it is the same color as my dog and it has no pockets." 10.When your neighbor points to her crawling infant and asks you what you think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply, "Well, a little short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great topline!" The Way Children See Things.... NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! HONESTY My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago. OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents." KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes." SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!" BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. " What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"