Fourth of July Special web page at: http://www.llerrah.com/iamyourflag.htm http://www.qnet.com/~pontius/smile/smilelmp_1%5B1%5D.htm "All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom; justice; honor; duty; mercy; hope." - Sir Winston Churchill NASA spent over $20 million developing the space pen that would write in zero gravity at any angle. The Russians used a pencil. "The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when the man grows the hair on one side of his head very long and combs it across the bald area, creating an effect that looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large tropical spider." --Dave Barry "Federal officials entered a Wisconsin classroom and seized several giant African land snails because they're considered a health hazard. Officials rounded up the snails after a two second chase." --Conan O'Brien "Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a work place anymore. They think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee--and then you go home." --Jerry Seinfeld Calling Who? A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?" "Yes, it is," came the reply. "Thank God! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone." A rather old minesweeper was cruising a lonely stretch of the South Pacific and was overtaken by a new Australian cruiser. All the US sailors admired the new ship and the Captain sent a blinker-light message to the Aussies: "You are beautiful." Less than 10 seconds later, the Aussie ship blinkered back: "I'll bet you say that to all the ships." Why Some Countries CAN'T Go Metric! If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following: A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers. Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward. Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child. Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure. Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.06 kilometers. Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers. A Mother's Vocabulary AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again. DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. POW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it. SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas. TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: Able to whine in words. WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.. WEEKEND: When Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc. How Not To Pass Your Driving Test 1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. 2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!" 3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one. 4. Come dressed in a bio-suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat. 5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake. 6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood latch and say, "Oops." 7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?" 8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil. 9. Fill your car with styrofoam packing peanuts. 10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Charlotte smells like mothballs. 11. Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test. 12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner. 13. Yell at everybody on the road. 14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light. 15. Beep your horn at everything. 16. Break off your rear-view mirror before the test, then when the examiner gets in the car, ask the examiner to hold it up. Some Groaners for You 1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." 3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 4. a) Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. b) A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." 5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual." 9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. 10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy." 14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 15. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 17. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. 18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?" Finish what you start I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me....and at any time of year we all could use a little calm. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace. The article read: Quote: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started:" End Quote So I looked around the house to see all the things I had started and had not finished.......and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua, and Wild Turkey; Xanax, some Valium, some cheesecake and 2 boxes of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I feel.............. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace. This is for older people. Younger people try it at their own risk. This is working well for me. For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building your arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this. Three days a week - begin by standing straight, with a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can-try to reach a full minute. Relax. After a few weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks, and then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute. After you feel confident at that level ................ start putting a couple of potatoes in the bags. The most destructive habit.................................Worry The greatest Joy.................................................Giving The greatest loss................................................Loss of self-respect The most satisfying work....................................Helping others The ugliest personality trait.............................. .Selfishness The most endangered species.............................Dedicated leaders Our greatest natural resource..............................Our youth The greatest "shot in the arm".............................Encouragement The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear The most effective sleeping pill.........................Peace of mind The most crippling failure disease......................Excuses The most powerful force in life..........................Love The most dangerous pariah.................................A gossiper The world's most incredible computer...............The brain The worst thing to be without.... ...................... .Hope The deadliest weapon.........................................The tongue The two most power-filled words....................."I Can" The greatest asset.............................................. Faith The most worthless emotion................................Self-pity The most beautiful attire......................................SMILE! The most prized possession............................... Integrity The most powerful channel of communication.....Prayer The most contagious spirit............................ ......Enthusiasm Do not eat natural foods. I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. A unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?" Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather: it pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? IMPORTANT! Be sure to read to the end. A Senior Citizen's point of View I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well-paying job. I took numerous vacations and had vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my home. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact, I lost everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the next election. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go. I just thought you would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration. Thank you for taking the time to read my letter...... Sincerely, Saddam Hussein