Great philosophical sayings: "Know Thyself." - Plato "I yam what I yam." - Popeye "Never try to teach a pig to sing, it wastes your time and it annoys the pig." What A Woman Really Wants? see last entry ......... A rancher let his cows roam anywhere they wished. He lets the chips fall where they may. "How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman. The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit. "Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious." "It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?" One day a scientist wanted to prove that, contrary to popular belief, blondes were actually smart. To prove his theory he gathered a huge convention of blondes. He chose one lady out of the crowd and began to ask her questions. "What is 12x11?" "120?" The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!" The scientist asked again, "What is 6x4?" "25?" The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!" The scientist asked a final time, "What is 2+2?" The blonde ventured "4?" The crowd yelled, "Give her another chance!" There are three blonde guys stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, he is turned into a brown haired man and swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly he is turned into a black haired man. The black haired man builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns him into a woman, and she walks across the bridge. Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this carefully, with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man. Mr. Smith pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides. "Were your bags marked like this?", he asked. "Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage." I guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight." A short history of medicine: "Doctor, I have an ear ache." 2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root." 1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer." 1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion." 1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill." 1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." 2004 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!" Quick Quotes "My boyfriend won't see anything he terms a 'chick flick'. That's any film where a woman talks." --Maura Kennedy "My wife thinks I'm too nosy. At least, that's what she keeps scribbling in her diary." --Drake Sather "Life was so much easier when your clothes didn't match and boys had cooties!" --Unknown Woman was Gods second mistake. - Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900). Once you eliminate the impossible whatever remains no matter how improbable must be the truth. - Sherlock Holmes (by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle 1859-1930). There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man; and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem. - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950). Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame. - Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790) One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied. "Well, then, you can come with me to my house" the lawyer said. "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man then, in a pitiful voice said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.......... You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot high." A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?" "No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said. "Will you use it to gamble?" "I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive." "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?" "Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!" The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad." The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf." Street Name? "I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the 411 operator. "There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?" The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Bubba." The Fatherhood Cycle 4 years: "My Daddy can do anything." 7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot." 12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either." 14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned." 21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?" 25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much." 30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks." 35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision." 40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart." 50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything." 60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man." Protection The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations. Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious! Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"? Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are! To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck... Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again... Politically correct terms for cat owners My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator. My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job. My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools. My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity. My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator. My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist. My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of food My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next. My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative. My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert. My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced. My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced. My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture. My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish). Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. (think about it ...) Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Several American nurses were training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. These nurses had little money for meals, so they ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex, and sometimes kindly visitors would give them some of the treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them. One night a woman brought a pie to the kitchen and said to one of the nurses, "Would you eat this up, love?" So she and another American student nurse devoured every delicious crumb! Soon the woman returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?" Naughty Cat Signs that your cat is hanging around with the wrong crowd: One day, without your permission, he gets his ears pierced. Your credit card is overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives." You find attached to the refrigerator a note that reads: "Leave a steak on the front porch at midnight, or you'll never see Spot again." Too many times a week your cat comes home after one in the morning, totally plastered and with a strong odor of catnip about him. You come home to catch him in the act of raiding your liquor cabinet. Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone bill to "1-900-PUSSYCAT-MEOW." You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been selling drugs in the neighborhood. After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and aims it at you, demanding "Friskies" and catnip. Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. But one day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it." Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it." The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?" Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money." The Stones The Rolling Stones circled New York's sprawling Van Cortlandt Park in a yellow blimp emblazoned with their red tongue trademark, announcing the onset of their upcoming tour, a 40th anniversary extravaganza: According to lead singer Mick Jagger, "Either we stay at home and become pillars of the community, or we go out and tour. We couldn't really find any communities that still needed pillars." Keith Richards piped in.... well, sorry, but no one could understand what Keith piped in with, as Ron Wood wiped the drool from his chin. Some Stones songs have had to be revised for a more age-appropriate theme: "Under My Gums" "Dye It Black" "Let's Take a Nap Together" "You Can't Always Get What You Want, Without A Prescription" "I Can't Get No . . . Health Insurance" "Pain in My Heart - Where's My Nitro?" "Hey! You! Get Off Of My Lawn!" "Sister Motrin" "Sleep Fighting Man" "Help Me Up" "It's All Over Now, Just Pull The Plug" "Time Is On My Side (Well, Maybe Not)" What A Woman Really Wants . A Good Story With A Moral Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. The question was: What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men, and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: "What a woman really wants," she said, "is to be in charge of her own life." Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. "Which would you prefer? she asked him. "Beautiful during the day ... or at night?" Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch! Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wonderous, intimate moments with? (If you are a man reading this ...) What would YOUR choice be? (If you are a woman reading this ..) What would YOUR MAN'S choice be? What Lancelot chose is below. BUT ... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. Now .. what is the moral to this story? (scroll down again) The moral is .. (scroll down one more time) If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly.