Fun URL at: http://www.frontiernet.net/~cdm/age1bd.html Three things in life should never be broken Toys...Hearts...and Promises Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. What's the purpose of the airplane propeller? To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just let it stop and watch him sweat! Mathematicians are all wrong! They're always talking about "Pi R squared." No! No! No!... Pie R round, it's cornbread that R squared! A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth." "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist." "Yes, I know." "So, why did you come in here?" "The light was on..." Howard came home from work one evening and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud. "What's the matter, darling?" he asked her. "I just don't know what to do," said Miriam. "Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner - but the dog has just eaten it." "Don't worry," said Howard, "I'll get us another dog." "So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?" "Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel." "Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours." A man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!" The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house. As the thief was about to flee the man said, "You have to come with me and meet my wife." The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?" The man replied, "Well, she's been expecting you for 20 years." Use the Wheelchair! Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients who are being discharged. However, while my friend was working as a student nurse, she found one elderly gentleman dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need her help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let her wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, she asked if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown. Rules for Good Housekeeping 1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside. 2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy. 3. Never make fried chicken in the nude. 4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner. 5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. 6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger. 7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. 10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date. More "You May Be A Redneck If..." Your wedding invitations say "Same time, same place." You park in handicapped spaces based on your SAT score. You list dogs as dependants on your tax forms. Your taxidermist also does your taxes. You love lard sandwiches. You've ever let your dog babysit your kids. Your security system is the latch on your screen door. Most of your prayers involve winning a sporting event. You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them at your bug zapper. Your financial planner told you to buy lottery tickets. The flowers in your bridal bouquet were plastic. There are more things growing in your refrigerator than in your yard. Your favorite restaurant has sawdust on the floor. You've ever left a bingo game in handcuffs. Your favorite recipe includes Vienna sausages. You've ever put a race car on a prayer list. You've ever had a dream about beef jerky. You've used a barstool as a walker. You're driving a vehicle that has no original body parts. You flush the toilet and the dog thinks you're giving him fresh water. You think your dashboard is the best place to keep your hats. A Hard Lesson A minister was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them. On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. "This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..." Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The minister breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I know the answer you're looking for is supposed to be 'Jesus' ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." Something for everyone or Country Wisdom .....sometimes called "horse sense" Never name a pig you plan to eat. Country fences oughta' be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong. Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb. It's about how good you bounce. Keep skunks and gossipers at a distance. Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps. A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor. Trouble with a milk cow is... she won't stay milked. Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles. Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. Meanness don't happen overnight. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal. It just ain't right. Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads. Don't sell your mule to buy a plow. Two can live as cheap as one...if one don't eat. Don't corner something meaner than you. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar... if you're in to catchin' flies. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. Don't go drinkin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug. You can't unsay a cruel remark. Every path has some puddles. Don't wrestle with pigs. You'll get all muddy, and the pigs'll love it. The best sermons are lived, not preached. Most of the stuff people worry about never happens. The early bird gets the worm. But... the second mouse gets the cheese!. The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building. There was a durn good reason for the move. You can't post: "Thou Shalt Not Steal","Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", "Thou Shall Not Lie", in a building full of Lawyers and Politicians. It just don't make sense. Never underestimate how a woman thinks A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60 mph. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat. " The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says. "Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?" Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says "The airbag." Never underestimate how a woman thinks. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker. Some people try to turn back their odometers ... not me ... I want people to know why I look like this. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads were NOT paved. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes, when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE! When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. You know you're getting old when everything either dries up or starts to leak. Back in the Day When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up. What with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way I was going to lay that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But.... Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! And there were no MP3s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! You want to hear about hardship? We didn't have fancy stuff like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was, it could be your boss, your Mom, a collections agent, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids"! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theater, there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you, you watched his hairstyle! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled! You guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984! Two Dogs Two dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street. The other dog says, "What was that about?" The dog first dog says, "I was just checking my messages." Army of the Lord A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher." The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service." Politics Just in time for the elections, a group of etymologists has discovered the two root words of the word 'politics'. Greek polu-, from polus, much, many Tick: Any of numerous small bloodsucking parasitic arachnids of the family Ixodidae, many of which transmit febrile diseases, such as Rocky Mountain spotted fever and Lyme disease. Make your own conclusions. Alert! We must stop this immediately! Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW-even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here! All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GETTHIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED! PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too! A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." -Louis Nizer "I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -Winston Churchill "A modest little person, with much to be modest about." Winston Churchill "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas "His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." -Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable) "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -Abraham Lincoln "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn'tit." -Groucho Marx "He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -Thomas Brackett Reed "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -James Reston (about Richard Nixon) "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain "A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." -Mark Twain "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West "She is a peacock in everything but beauty." -Oscar Wilde "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)