"Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way." If Cher were to get cloned, would she be Cher and Cher alike? Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for Morris went to his rabbi for some needed advice. "Rabbi, tell me if it is proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes." "No, Morris, a man should not profit from another man's mistakes," answered the rabbi. "Are you sure, Rabbi?" "Of course, I'm sure. In fact, I'm positive," exclaimed the Rabbi. "Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife!" Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute." "What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked. "I guess the drugs must be wearing off," he replied. The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly in 20 minutes. One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close. When they got home after the service, the wife asked him why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long. He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge." An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked." "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time ! In November 1919, shortly after Einstein's theory of relativity was confirmed by observations made from the island of Principe during an eclipse, Sir Arthur Eddington, an early advocate of relativity, was approached by Ludwig Silberstein at a joint meeting of the Royal Society and the Royal Astronomical Society. "Professor Eddington," Silberstein declared, "you must be one of three persons in the world who understands general relativity." When Eddington demurred, Silberstein continued : "Don't be modest, Eddington." "On the contrary," Eddington replied. "I am trying to think who the third person is." Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly. The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up and yelled above the noise, "Can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!" Benefits of Aging: REMEMBER "GETTIN OLD AIN'T FOR SISSIES." A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'." An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...." Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft ............ Today, it's called golf A WELL PLANNED LIFE ???? Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." "Classic Bumper Stickers" We're staying together for the sake of the cats. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. This is not an abandoned vehicle. I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily. It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you. Life's too short to dance with ugly men. Life's too short to dance with ugly women. My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her. When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS). I is a college student. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. Sorry, I don't date outside my species. Eschew obfuscation. Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton. Scottish Lad A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while, when the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What are ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad grumbled, "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!" Some Universal Laws I have sent this out before....but these laws are so true....I just thought you might enjoy a "refresher course"... You've heard of Murphy's Law: Anything that can go wrong, will. There are many other related Laws, as well. Here are some: Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: Immediately after your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. Beach's Law: Identical parts aren't. Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. Lowery's Law: If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Peer's Law: The solution to a problem changes the problem. William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. Handy Guide to Modern Science: If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology. If it stinks, it's Chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's Physics. IBM's Pollyanna Principle: Machines should work. People should think. The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management. Ehrlich's Law: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage. The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist, nor a friendly handshake from a proctologist. The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. Law of Physical Displacement: Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant. Legal Rights: Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan ..... will not be evenly distributed Ever Driven a Honda bike? A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?" "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" "No I haven't" The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?" "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" "No I haven't" Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. The biker, while in severe pain, asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" "Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years." The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?" How To Survive To The End Of A Horror Movie When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead. Never read a book of demon-summoning verses aloud, even as a joke. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET OUT! If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know that you're doing. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead - You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY: When trying to escape from a serial killer, never run UPstairs. You Know It's Summer in Florida When... When your car is overheating before you drive it. Your computer won't work unless it has it's own AC blowing on it. Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the heated air in the balloon Airplanes can't land because the asphalt runways are too soft. You discover that you can drive the car using only two fingers on the hot steering wheel. The ducks in the park are designated "original recipe" and "extra crispy" More hot water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one. Your pool water boils so much in the sun that you can boil potatoes in ten minutes in it. You burn the grass by watering it with the hose. The hotdogs sold outside the Home Depot are actually hot A hot shower cools you off. The politicians have to take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves You cover the leather seats in the car with cloth or sit on towels. At noon in July, the kids are on summer vacation, and no one is moving on the streets. Sunscreen is sold at the front of the checkout counter, a formula less than 30 spf is a joke, and you wear it just to go shopping. You burn your hand opening the car door and your rear end wearing shorts on the hot seats. You notice the best parking place is determined by the shade under trees instead of the distance to the door. Your dog refuses to go outside so you are forced to build and inside a/c toilet facility for it All picnics feature hot food like it or not. There is no such thing as "Cool Aid" The beaches are over populated with natives instead of tourists. Tagging Birds According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv. Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper: "Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible." The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service. Essential NEW WORDS FOR 2004 editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.) MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE: The organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all'). How Business Communications Work MEMORANDUM From: Headquarters - New York To: General Managers Next Thursday at 10:30 Haley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet. MEMORANDUM From: General Manager To: Managers By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Haley's Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Manager To: All Department Chiefs By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Haley's Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only every 75 years. MEMORANDUM From: Department Chief To: Section Chiefs Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the auditorium with Haley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out to our phenomenal Company lawn. MEMORANDUM From: Section Chief To: All EA's When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Haley and his Comets. Hymns vs. Choruses An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. "Well," said the farmer, "it was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns." "Praise choruses?" said his wife. "What are those?" "Oh, they're OK. They are sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer. "Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife. The farmer said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you: "Martha, the cows are in the corn"' - well, that would be a hymn. If on the other hand, I were to say to you: 'Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN.' Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a praise chorus." The next weekend, his nephew, a young, new Christian from the city came to visit and attended the local church of the small town. He went home and his mother asked him how it was. "Well," said the young man, "it was good. They did something different however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs." "Hymns?" asked his mother. "What are those?" "Oh, they're OK. They are sort of like regular songs, only different," said the young man. "Well, what's the difference?" asked his mother. The young man said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you: 'Martha, the cows are in the corn' - well, that would be a regular song. If on the other hand, I were to say to you: 'Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth. For the way of the animals who can explain There in their heads is no shadow of sense Hearkenest they in God's sun or His rain Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced. Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed Then goaded by minions of darkness and night They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed. So look to the bright shining day by and by Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn Where no vicious animals make my soul cry And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.' Then if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn.