"Wherever there is a human being, there is an opportunity for kindness." - Seneca I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it. "The reason you are stronger when you are younger is that you need to be. Mostly because you are more stupid." - Henry Miller "I get those maternal feelings sometimes, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote, I think, 'Boy, a kid would be nice right now.'" --Kathleen Madigan "Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrow who gave birth to a baby girl named Apple. Gwyneth says looking forward to having another daughter so she can have a "pear"." --Jay Leno "My father refused to spend money on me as a kid. One time I broke my arm playing football and my father tried to get a free X-ray by taking me down to the airport and making me lie down with the luggage." --Glen Super It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front. "What are my choices?" Moishe asked. "Yes or no," she replied. An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles." "What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group. "I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like this: 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!' As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient's wrists. Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn't eat bananas. Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses' station demanding, "Who's responsible for labeling my mother 'bananas'?" In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit. "I can't do that!" the lady said. "The sweater is going to be a surprise!" Three ministers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one minister. "No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole." Baby Prescription A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for eardrops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it. Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil. The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label: "Put two drops in R ear every four hours." A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. "Yes?" "Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15." The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. "Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" "8:25!" The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. "Sir, sir? It's 8:45!" "You Might be a Redneck If..." ...You've ever used a bathtub as a punch bowl. ...You broke a toe when you dropped your belt buckle on it. ...You've ever worn flip-flops to a funeral home. ...You have visitation rights to a dog. ...You continue to show your cleavage years after anyone wants to see it. ...You can't remember where your lawn mower is. ...You've ever flirted over a drive-thru window speaker. ...You've ever picked birdshot out of your fried chicken. ...You've ever told a bill collector you were dead. ...You named each of your children after the car they were conceived in. ...Your voice changed while you were in the second grade. Sorry I'm Late Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?" Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan." Susan replied "Wow, Mom, I didn't think you'd be this mad." Harry Truman, when he was U.S President, once addressed the Washington Garden Club and kept referring to 'good manure' that must be used on flowers. Some society ladies complained (later) to the First Lady Margaret Truman, "Bess, can't you get the President to say fertilizers?" The First Lady replied, "Heavens, it took me 25 years to get him to say 'manure'". Dreaded Words from Tech Support - Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy? - ...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it. - Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n. - Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC. - We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery. - I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. - In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect. - Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics. Nancy's nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick. His little face scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of there?" She wanted to keep it simple so she said, "The doctor will help." His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "You've got a doctor in there, too?" Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe." A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father, "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?" "Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Isarel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi." They explained their problem to the rabbi. "Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?" They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens: "Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel..." During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!" The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed. The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?" The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings. The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil. The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage. The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass. The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!" The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!" The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out. The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report. The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out. 18 Things We Can Learn from a Dog 1. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride. 2. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. 3. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. 4. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. 5. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. 6. Take naps, and stretch before rising. 7. Run, romp, and play daily. 8. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. 9. Be loyal. 10. Never pretend to be something you're not. 11. If what you want is buried, dig until you find it. 12. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle him or her gently. 13. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. 14. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. 15. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. 16. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. 17. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. 18. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. A police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World." Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the officer asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it." "In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest." Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" wonders one of the lawyers. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers see this and agree it is quite a clever idea. After the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch, and you'll see," replies one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. A few moments later, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." An inflatable student goes to his inflatable school and is having a really bad day. Bored in history lesson, he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor, he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets outside, he thinks again, "I hate school," and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home. Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Later in that evening, he wakes up in an inflatable hospital and see the inflatable headmaster in the inflatable bed next to him. Shaking his deflated head the headmaster gravely intones: "You've let me down; you've let the school down, but worst of all, you've let yourself down." The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests, and in Sunday school quizzes, by children of 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio, collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for us adults and therefore no time to war or argue. 1. Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it. 3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was A actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too. 4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. 5. Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock Which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline. 6. In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now. 7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus." 8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems. 9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. 10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. 11. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking. 12. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. 13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. 14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. 15. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 16. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. 17. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 18. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. 19. Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. 20. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. 21. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. 22. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why. 23. Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it. 24. Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken. 25. Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess. Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud (Family Fortunes in the UK): Name something a blind person might use: a sword Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse Name something that floats in the bath: water Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair Name something red: my cardigan Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers Name a famous royal: mail Name a number you have to memorize: 7 Name something you do before going to bed: sleep Name something you put on walls: roofs Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes Name something you might be allergic to: skiing Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet Name a continent: Italy Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog Name something slippery: a con man Name a kind of ache: a pancake Name a food that can be brown or white: potato Name a potato topping: jam Name a famous Scotsman: Jock Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones Name something with a hole in it: window Name a non-living object with legs: plant Name a domestic animal: leopard Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee Name a way of cooking fish: cod Name something you clean: your sister