You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead. "I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him." - Booker T. Washington It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" about the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall Street's gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994 were fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20 percent declines from a year ago. Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable prices. Linda: "What's that you're reading?" Jill: "A diary." Linda: What's in it? Jill: "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared lightly with other people. And besides, this diary belongs to Margaret." We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed. "Dad, how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?" Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone." You Mean WHAT? A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me." Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear Dad Say 10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. 7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! 6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? 5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. 4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. 3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. 2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend. 1. What do I want for my birthday? Aahh, don't worry about that. It's no big deal. (Okay, they might say it. But they don't mean it) In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English. Today, fathers pray their children will speak English. In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home. In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera. In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle. In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR. In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia. Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams. In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school." Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice." In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at gym, Pizza in fridge." In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.." In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles. Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!" As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars. "Giving these presentations is a part of my job," I said. "Could I donate the money to one of your causes?" "That would be wonderful!" she gushed. "We have just the program that could use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers." A DJ was introducing a record. "This next one," he said, "is for Charlotte Burke, who is a hundred and eleven. Hey, Charlotte, congratulations on a ripe old age!" There was a short pause and then the DJ said in a somewhat more subdued voice, "I'm sorry, I got it wrong. This next one is for Charlotte Burke, who is ill." Two goobers, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street. Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the compact. Patty looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me! Mr. Jones Is History Mr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it to a practice to visit the classes from time to time. One day a week, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History. Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!" SOME RAMBLINGS of a RETIRED MIND I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it. I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust." I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers! I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!" Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do ... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me ... they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. Just for Women... One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say women are not mechanical . . . A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you." "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he steps out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. He said - "Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly." She said - "Well, you succeeded." Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple, she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger. Whoosh! Immediately he turned ninety! Gotta love that fairy! A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. MY AFFLICTION Thought I'd let my doctor check me, 'Cause I didn't feel quite right. . . All those aches and pains annoyed me And I couldn't sleep at night. He could find no real disorder But he wouldn't let it rest. What with Medicare and Blue Cross, We would do a couple tests. To the hospital he sent me Though I didn't feel that bad. He arranged for them to give me Every test that could be had. I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped, My aging frame displayed. Stripped, on an ice cold table, While my gizzards were x-rayed. I was checked for worms and parasites, For fungus and the crud, While they pierced me with long needles Taking samples of my blood. Doctors came to check me over, Probed and pushed and poked around, And to make sure I was living They then wired me for sound. They have finally concluded, Their results have filled a page. What I have will someday kill me; My affliction is OLD AGE. 30 Years difference 1973: Long hair 2003: Longing for hair 1973: KEG 2003: EKG 1973: Acid rock 2003: Acid reflux 1973: Moving to California because it's cool 2003: Moving to California because it's warm 1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1973: Seeds and stems 2003: Roughage 1973: Hoping for a BMW 2003: Hoping for a BM 1973: The Grateful Dead 2003: Dr. Kevorkian 1973: Going to a new, hip joint 2003: Receiving a new hip joint 1973: Rolling Stones 2003: Kidney Stones 1973: Being called into the principal's office 2003: Calling the principal's office 1973: Screw the system 2003: Upgrade the system 1973: Disco 2003: Costco 1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1973: Passing the drivers' test 2003: Passing the vision test 1973: Whatever 2003: Depends Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list: The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. Their lifetime has always included AIDS. Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. The CD was introduced the year they were born. They have always had an answering machine. They have always had cable. They cannot fathom not having a remote control. Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane Boss, de plane". They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is. McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. Do you feel old yet?