"God doesn't have to put his name on the corner of every meadow, 
                   because nobody else makes meadows." - Cecil Laird 
Even God cannot make two mountains without a valley in between.
Treasure the love that you receive above all.  It will survive long after your 
                   gold and good health have vanished.    Og Mandino
I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf! All I have to do is mention it to 
                  my husband and he says, "Let's eat out!" 
"I'm so ugly ..... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get." 
                  --Rodney Dangerfield  
"My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." 
           So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. 
           It was my grandfather." --Jackie Mason 
"According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most 
          dangerous time for law enforcement officers. 
           Second most dangerous time: day." --Jimmy Fallon 
"This is America. If you don't like spaghetti and meatballs, 
           then you can just get the hell out!" 
           -- Steve Buscemi as the homeless guy in "Big Daddy." 
A new neighbor asked the little girl next door if she had any brothers and sisters. 
           She replied, "No, I'm the lonely child."  

I still have a lot of trouble with wrong numbers.  
Yesterday I dialed the Red Cross and got the Internal Revenue Service in error.   
So the I.R.S.  operator asked me what number I had dialed.  
I said, "The Red Cross, you know, where they take the blood." 
She said, "Well, you aren't too far off, are you?"  

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, 
chatting to her about the scenery. 
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage 
and said, "See the doggy?" 
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me. 
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, 
and said, "See the baby?" 

Chuck Rogers, a self employed marketing consultant, has won his company's
'Employee of the Month Award' for a record 23 months in a row.  
Said Rogers, "I began the award program nearly two years ago when my 
psychologist and business coach suggested that I needed to create a company 
plan for maintaining employee moral and building self-esteem."  
Rogers, who works alone from his home office, has received 100% of the 
votes for the 'Employee of the Month Award' since its inception.  
Said Rogers, "It feels really good every time I win the award.  
I am always surprised and flattered when the winner is announced.  
But the best part is that I get to use the special parking spot set aside 
for the winner. It is right next to the house.  
You can't imagine what a benefit that has been!"  

A former friend of mine was married to a great gal; unfortunately, he had to put 
up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and spiteful person. 
In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would 
sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you don't treat my daughter 
right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you!" 
When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-law would blurt out 
while hiding behind a drape, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, 
I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you. Alas, in the evening while having a 
well-deserved cocktail, my friend's mother-in-law would pop up from behind
the bar and say, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from 
the grave and haunt you." 
Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago at the gas station and I 
asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling.  
He said, "She isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!"  
I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat?   
He said, "No way! I buried her face down; let her dig; I don't care!"  

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination
lock on the supply cabinet.
She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it.
Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.  
After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.  
Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.
Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number,
and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed.  "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered.
"The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front 
pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.  
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried 
out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" 
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, 
"PREACH IT, REVEREND!" 
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their
feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER!  TELL IT LIKE IT IS...AMEN!" 
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet.  
One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

Little Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. 
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, 
"What are you up to there, Lucy?" 
"My goldfish died," replied Lucy tearfully, without looking up,
"and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. 
"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" 
Lucy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your darn cat!" 

Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days.  
As they slid into a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat.  
Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table.
The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.
"No thanks," said Doug. "I'll just have a cup of black coffee."
"I'll have black coffee, too," Bill said.  "And please make sure the cup is clean."
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.
Two minutes later, she was back.
"Two cups of black coffee," she announced, sternly. 
"Which one of you wanted the clean cup?"
 
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the 
work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. 
"Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to 
dinner and a movie." 
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. 
Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, 
"What's the matter, did you forget something?" 
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner 
and a movie like you asked." 

A friend, driving home from a fishing trip in northern Michigan with his boat 
in tow, had engine trouble a few miles inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have
a CB radio in his car, so he decided to use his marine radio to get help.  
Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call letters and asked for assistance.
A Coast Guard officer responded, "Please give your location."
"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."
The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"
"I-75, two miles south of Standish."
A longer pause.  Then an incredulous voice asked, 
"How fast were you going when you hit shore?"

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and 
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the 
same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid. 
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients 
you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat. 
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were 
granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the 
words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE." 
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking 
a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as 
when it is removed. 
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat 
and poultry. 
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar
to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment. 
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average 
individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food. 

Why the idiot's application for Medical School got rejected..... 
QUESTION: DEFINE THE FOLLOWING TERMS 
Antibody: against everyone 
Artery: the study of fine paintings 
Bacteria: back door to a cafeteria 
Benign: what you have after eight 
Cardiology: advance study of poker playing 
Cat Scan: searching for lost kitty 
Chronic: neck of a crow 
Coma: Punctuation mark 
Cyst: short of Sister 
Diagnosis: person with slanted nose 
Dislocation: in this place 
Duodenum: couple in jeans 
Enema: not a friend 
False Labor: pretending to work 
Gallbladder: bladder in a girl 
Hernia: she is close by 
Hymen: greeting to several males 
Labor Pain: hut at work 
Lactose: person without digits on 
Liposuction: a French Kiss 
Lymph : walk unsteadily 
Menopause: I no wait 
Microbes: small dressing gowns 
Obesity: city of Obe 
Pacemaker: winner of Nobel Peace Prize 
Protein: a favour of teens 
Pulse: grain 
Pus: small cat 
Red Blood Count: Dracula 
Rupture: ecstasy 
Secretion: hiding anything 
Serum: Sailors drink 
Subcutaneous: not cute enough 
Suture: Gujarati word for "what do you want" 
Tablet: small table