Peace starts with a smile. Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case. The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitos come close. No one ever graduates from Bible study until he meets the Author face to face. "Frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them." A mother traveled 2,000 miles to be with her only son on the day he was to receive his Air Force wings and also get married. "It was wonderful," she said later. "It isn't every day that a mother watches her son receive his wings in the morning and have them clipped in the evening." A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows went like this: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride." My brother wants me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check with my boss, my friends, my business associates. Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the employment agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section of the newspaper. I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad. He said, "A self-starter!" Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's last will and testament. "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp." I had to go on a business trip the day after my honeymoon, so I decided to purchase a gift for my new wife. At an airport gift shop, I found a coffee mug imprinted with the words, "I love you" inside a beautiful red heart. Confident the mug would please my wife, I asked to have it wrapped. She beamed when I gave it to her at dinner that night, but her face fell when she saw the writing on the back of the mug. It read, "Grandpa." Overheard in a city park. A pregnant mother, her 3 year old and grandfather go to the park to play and the grandfather feeling a little tired goes and sits on a park bench. After running up and down the play set and sliding on the slide, the little girl comes over to her grandfather and asks. “Grandpop, are you a boy or a girl?” Grandpop answers, why Sue, I am a boy. The little girl goes and plays some more and then she comes running back and asks the same question. This time Grandpop answers her question, but the little girl says “I think you are a girl.” So Grandpop figures he better find out what is going on and he asks Sue, why do you think I am a girl. Sue stands there and points to her mommy and says, because you have a big belly like mommy and only girls can have babies in their tummy. And so it goes. . . On the way back to New York as I was sitting in the Phoenix airport, they announced that a flight to Las Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher f or your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward." You need a new car when . . . You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you. You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced. You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing. The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk." The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker. You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo. Evel Kenievel refuses a free lift. The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car. The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian. A young man was working at a pet store that offered free replacement fish to any that die. A lady called and stated that her hamster had died. The salesperson who answered the phone misunderstood her, thinking it was a fish, told her to place it in a plastic bag with water and return it so it could be replaced. The lady followed instructions to a "T" and brought her dead hamster in a bag of water and handed to the young man and said "my hamster died." Laughing he replied "Was that before or after you placed it in the bag of water?" He was fired for not showing sympathy to a customer! There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course. He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy. "Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind." The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question." "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me : What comes first , Day or Night ?" The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir." "How ???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.) "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!" Admission for the course was thus secured. Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger. After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces." My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer. "How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!" An Englishman took a business trip to New York. When he arrived, the hotel clerk asked him a riddle. "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" The Englishman thought long and hard, but eventually gave up. "I don't know, who was it?" The hotel clerk responded, "It was me!" The Englishman thought that was hilarious. He couldn't wait to get home and tell this funny joke to his family and friends in England. When he arrived home they met him at the airport and he asked them: "My mom and dad had a baby. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?" His friends thought and thought about it until they gave up. So he told them, "It was a hotel clerk I met in New York." Sports Commentators' Quotes "And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." (David Coleman) "Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman) "We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." (Murray Walker) After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought." (Bobby Robson) On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country." (Ian Rush) Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50." "I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost." (Frank Bruno) "There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman) "There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." (David Coleman) "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker) From the interviewee: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Greg Norman) "There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter) "Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running." (Ron Pickering) "Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers." (Murray Walker) "A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin." (Jo Sheldon) "That's inches away from being millimetre perfect." (Ted Lowe) "I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right." (Marlon Starling) "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." (Terry Venables) "I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge." (John Snagge - Boat Race between only Oxford and Cambridge) "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round." (Tony Crozier) A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'." A pirate captain was out to retrieve his buried treasure. After months of hard sailing his ship caught site of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep with in a swamp at the center of the island. Sure enough, at the center of the island was a swamp, and the Captain and his first mate bravely entered the swamp. Soon the swamp began to get deeper, and the pirate's feet, then ankles, and finally entire leg below the knees was covered in swamp. It was at that time that the Captain banged his shin against something hard. He reached down, searched around, and pulled up a treasure chest. Prying the lock open, the chest revealed gold and jewels beyond imagination. The Captain turned to his first mate and said, "Arrrr, matey, that just goes to show ye, that booty is only shin deep!" A white-haired old man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday, with a beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said. Our jeweler looked through our stock and took out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand-I want something very unique," the man said. At that, our now very excited jeweler went and fetched our special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" asked our jeweler. "I'll pay by check; but of course the bank will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, and then I'll fetch the ring on Monday." Monday morning, our very disappointed jeweler phoned the man. "You lied, there's no money in that account." "I know, sorry, but can you imagine what a FANTASTIC weekend I had?" This last one ...... R rated language............. News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts, and a US Marine were hiking through the desert one day when Iraqis captured them. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?" Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass," said the Marine. "What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, broke free and pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, then shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M16, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?" "What!" said the Marine, "And have you liberal assholes call ME the aggressor??".