"God gives every bird his worm, but he does not throw it into the nest." Here's a little something to put a smile on your face: PASTE THIS LINK IN YOUR BROWSER AND TURN UP THE SOUND. http://www.riversongs.com/Flas/today.swf Some of you have noticed a few typos in Smilers now and then. To improve this I am now using a new set of rules for editing. 1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat) 6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7. Be more or less specific. 8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10. No sentence fragments. 11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. One should NEVER generalise. 15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 17. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 19. The passive voice is to be ignored. 20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas. 24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 26. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 29. Who needs rhetorical questions? 30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And the last one... 31. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. The Golfer Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers. The golf pro says they do, and they are $1.00. The guy gives the golf pro a dollar... The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in and hands him a quarter. I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?" She said, "Give him some vegetables." It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite. Makes sense to ME!!!!..... Can't eat beef... mad cow. Can't eat chicken... bird flu Can't eat eggs... again, bird flu Can't eat pork...fears that bird flu will infect piggies Can't eat fish...heavy metals in the waters has poisoned their meat Can't eat fruits and veggies....... insecticides and herbicides Hmmmm! I believe that leaves CHOCOLATE!!! A famous author was autographing copies of his new novel in a Cleveland department store. One gentleman pleased him by bringing up not only his new book for signature, but reprint editions of his two previous ones as well. "My wife likes your stuff," he remarked apologetically, "I thought I'd give her these autographed copies for a birthday present." "A surprise, eh?" hazarded the author. "I'll say," agreed the customer. "She's expecting a Cadillac." A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after t "The evening was a disaster," he moaned. "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother. "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..." On the Upper West Side lived a man who was a very militant atheist but he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its Christian roots, it was a great school. After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad, do you know what Trinity means? It means the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost." The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now and I want you never to forget it. There is only one God and we don't believe in Him!" Cow Tracking and Government Know-how Is it just me or does anyone else find it absolutely amazing that the U.S. government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate. They can also track her calves right to their stalls, and tell you what kind of feed they ate. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in their country, inlcuding people that are trying to blow up important structures in the U.S. My solution is to give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the country. Forrest Gump Dies The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. P eter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind..... but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure", Forrest replied, "its Howard." "Howard?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Howard as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all, " Forrest replied. "Don't you know the Our Father? Our father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name. . ." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run." Signs that indicate your cat is too fat: Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener. Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair. Always lands on her spleen. Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches. Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens. No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz. Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough. Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit. It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter. "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously. Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky. He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull. Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed. Has more chins than lives. *I.T Department Computer Problem Self-Report Form* 1. Describe your problem: ______________________________ 2. Now, describe your problem accurately: _________________ 3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem: __________ 4. Problem Severity: A. Minor__ B. Minor__ C. Minor__ D. Trivial__ 5. Nature of the problem: A. Locked Up__ B. Frozen__ C. Hung__ D. Shot__ 6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes__ No__ 7. Is it turned on? Yes__ No__ 8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes__ No__ 9. Have you made it worse? Yes__ 10. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__ 11. Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes__ No__ 12. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__ 13. Do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__ 14. If `Yes,' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?____________ 15. How tall are you? Are you above this line? ___________________ 16. What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred? ________________________________ 17. If 'nothing,' explain why you were logged in: ___________________ 18. Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__ 19. How does this problem make you feel? _______________________ 20. Tell me about your childhood: _______________________________ 21. Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes__ No__ 22. Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes__ A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. "Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" "Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler. "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?" "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound." "What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman. "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are." Baby name ideas, based on your occupation! PROFESSION.................................NAME Lawyer's daughter.............................Sue Thief's son........................................Rob Lawyer's son....................................Will Doctor 's son....................................Bill Meteorologist's daughter..................Haley Steam shovel operator's son.............Doug Hair stylist's son...............................Bob Homeopathic doctor's son.................Herb Justice of the peace's daughter..........Mary Sound stage technician's son.............Mike Hot-dog vendor's son........................Frank Gambler's daughter...........................Bette Exercise guru's son...........................Jim Cattle thief's son...............................Russell Painter's son.....................................Art Iron worker's son..............................Rusty TV show star's daughter...................Emmy Movie star's son...............................Oscar Barber's son.....................................Harry Housewife's son .............................Dusty Minister's daughter .........................Faith Day-trader's daughter .....................Hope Televangelist's daughter ................Charity IRS agent's daughter ......................Mony Geneticist's son .............................Gene Espresso vendor's son ...................Joe Undertaker's son ............................Barry Beautician's son ............................Curly Gardener's son ..............................Moe Florist's daughter ..........................Rose Baker's daughter ...........................Cookie Manicurist's son ............................Hans Athlete's son ................................Victor Lumberjack's son .........................Glenn Plumber's son ..............................John Accountant's daughter ...................Ira Musician's daughter .....................Melody Jeweler's daughter ........................Opal Gastrointerologist's daughter ........Fanny Politician's daughter .....................Patsy Butcher's daughter..........................Patty Bartender's daughter........................Brandy Moving company exec's daughter....Cari Counterfeiter's son...........................Bill Museum curator's son.....................Art Book printer's daughter...................Paige Trout fisher's daughter....................Brook Kindergarten teacher's son..............Skip Publisher's daughter........................Mag Woodworker's daughter..................Peg Tennis player's son.........................Ace Clothing manufacturer's daughter....Polly Esther Teacher's son..................................Mark Landscaper's son.............................Phil Singer's twin daughters...................Harmony & Melody Highway patrolman's son...............Chase Songs From The Hospital Hit Parade ~ "I'll be Sewing You" ~ "Red Cells in the Sunset" ~ "It's Spleen a Long, Long Time" ~ "It Had to Be Flu" ~ "On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma" ~ "Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney" ~ "The Staphs and Streps Forever" ~ "Old Man's Liver" ~ "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace" ~ "The Girl From Emphysema" ~ "MRI Blue?" ~ "My Melancolicky Baby" ~ "From Here to Maternity" The grizzly and the Atheist An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord Amen