"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." 

"I'm looking for a loophole." 
W.C. Fields, who had been flipping through the Bible on his deathbed, 1946 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s 
permission to join a fitness club so I could start exercising.  
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.  I bent, I twisted, 
I gyrated, I jumped up, I jumped down, and I perspired for more 
than an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped 
him on the shoulder The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly 
hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large 
plate glass window. 
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the still shaking 
river said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me." 
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize 
a  mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. 
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's all my fault. Today is my first 
day driving a cab ....... for the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse." 

Amy and Jamie are old friends.
They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.  
Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her 
attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get 
more beautiful every day." replies Jamie.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

While studying the occult, a teacher asked one of the boys in her class, 
"Can people predict the future with cards?" 
His response was, "My mother can." 
The teacher replied, "Really?" 
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my 
report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."  

While working as a television news camera man, I arrived at an accident scene, 
and a camera man from another station pulled up behind me.  As I parked the
news cruiser I heard a policeman on the scanner using the radio phonetic
alphabet to alert other officers.  
"Be aware that the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said.
I approached the officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be 
surprised to know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha 
can Sierra Papa Echo Lima Lima."

Metric System
Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world, 
we can see why American have not adopted it:
A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old 
Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home.  Zack squirms so much 
it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, 
I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years.  
The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?" 
"Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, 
and I was too tired to change his sheets."

During a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs, 
a patrolman signaled a car to pull over to the curb. 
When the driver asked why he had been stopped, the officer 
pointed to the big dog sitting on the seat beside him and asked, 
"Does your dog have a license?" 
"No," the man said, "He doesn't need one." 
"Yes he does," answered the officer. 
"But," said the driver, I always do all the driving."  

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. 
After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, 
combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband can die.
Each morning, I want you to fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure 
he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. Then later for dinner, 
prepare an especially nice meal for him. And, please, don't burden him with chores. 
Don't discuss your stress; this will probably make him feel worse. 
And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of the week. 
If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his 
health completely." The lady just sat there dumbfounded for a minute before the 
doctor told her she could leave now.
On the way home, the husband anxiously asked his wife, 
"So.....what did the doctor say to you?"
Complete Silence. And then........ "That you're going to die."

And a quote to go with the above joke:
"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping." --Rita Rudner

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating 
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer,  
knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer 
said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed 
dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the
courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. 
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. 
But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you
have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed 
and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused,retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, 
the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; 
I saw all of you stare at the door."
The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."

A fast moped...
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand 
new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it 
costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, 
"What kind of car ya' got there sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO and it cost half a million dollars!"
"Wow! That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window
and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 
"That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man just what 
his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 
160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be 
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, 
"WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!" Something whips by him going much faster! 
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks 
himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. 
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
passes the moped at 275 mph.
"WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!" He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his 
mirror and sees the old man gaining on him...... AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy and his Moped, he floors the gas pedal 
and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees 
the Moped bearing down on him again! 
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the 
entire rear end. The young man stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old 
man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, 
"Oh My! Are you alright? Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers:
"Yeah, sonny, would be so kind as to unhook...my...suspenders...
from...your... side-view.......mirror..."

The preacher spent his whole sermon relating the evils of sin and how
all men are sinners with no exceptions.
At the end of the sermon he asked rhetorically, "Now does anyone here
think they are without sin?"
He had only to wait a few seconds before a man in one of the back pews
stood up.
The pastor asked the man who had the audacity to stand after such a
fiery sermon, "Sir, do you really think you are completely without sin?"
The man quickly answered, "No sir, I'm not standing up for myself, but
for my wife's first husband."

Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" 
But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" 
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the 
Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." 
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo.  
The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest 
and terrify them with your Storm." 
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are 
warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." 
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it.
As proof, they cite a verse in St.  John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, 
"For I did not speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible 
passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."  
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler, 
"Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda, 
"The Apostles were in one Accord." 

Old Men
If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible 
for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC 
But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down 
terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole 
thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take 
us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more
than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a 
dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission.
"My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're 
at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has 
consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the 
desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every 
morning to pee. If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd
probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would
be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed 
and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep 
appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and
didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever 
do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant 
now, "Get down and give me...er...one." And the running part is kind of a waste 
of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave,
to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt 
crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that 
a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back
seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our 
sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible 
death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts 
on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a 
couple of million old farts with attitudes.

Don't Mess With Old People...  
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital. 
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. 
Every  time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child!
She  would say in a patronizing tone of voice, 
"And how are we doing this  morning, or are we ready for a bath, 
or are we hungry?"  
 Old Harold had had enough of this particular  nurse. 
One day, Old Harold had breakfast, pulled the juice off the tray, and put it 
on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. 
The juice was apple juice. So..... you know where the juice went..  
The nurse came in a little later, picked up the  urine bottle and looked at it.
"My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today....." 
At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand,  
popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 
"Well, I'll run it  through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time." 
The nurse  fainted.... Old Harold just smiled.................  
  
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.
Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat 
and was for distribution of all wealth. She felt deeply ashamed that her father 
was a rather staunch Republican which she expressed openly.
One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to
higher taxes on the rich & more welfare programs. In the middle of her heart felt 
diatribe based upon the lectures she had from her far left professors at her school, 
he stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school.
She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it 
was tough to maintain; that she had to study all the time, never had time to go out 
and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend 
and didn't really have many college friends because of spending all her time 
studying. She was taking a more difficult curriculum.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Mary." She replied,
"Mary is barely getting by", she continued, "all she has is barely a 2.0 GPA" 
adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies."
But to explain further she continued emotionally, "But Mary is so very popular 
on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and 
very often doesn't even show up for classes because she is too hung over."
Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and 
ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to her friend who only had
a 2.0." He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that
would be a fair equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter visibly shocked by the fathers suggestion angrily fired back,
"That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did without and Mary 
has done little or nothing, she played while I worked real hard!"
The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
 
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which 
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction. The engineers read and correct the problem, 
and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action 
was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.  
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. 
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted 
by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. 
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot; 
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers  

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.  
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.  
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.  
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.  
P: Something loose in cockpit.  
S: Something tightened in cockpit  
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.  
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.  
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.  
S: Evidence removed.  
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.  
S: DME volume set to more believable level  
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.  
S: That's what they're there for.  
P: IFF inoperative.  
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.  
P: Suspected crack in windshield.  
S: Suspect you're right.  
P: Number 3 engine missing.  
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.  
P: Aircraft handles funny.  
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.  
P: Target radar hums.  
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.  
P: Mouse in cockpit.  
S: Cat installed. 
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget 
     pounding on something with a hammer.  
S: Took hammer away from midget.