OK Smilers, here is a web page for the died hard grouch!
http://www.qnet.com/~pontius//smile/smilelmp_1[1].htm 

"An open mind is considered as a fine thing;
     except when you use it as a garbage can." 

Many people hold down two jobs, so I wasn't surprised when my hairdresser
mentioned to me that he also worked part-time at the race track. 
"That's interesting," I said. "What do you do?"
As he finished styling my hair, he replied, "I groom horses."

Alligator Teeth
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, 
"that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected.
"Anybody can open an oyster."

A young lawyer, just out of Law School, was pleading his first
case in South Carolina.   
A train had killed twenty-four pigs, and the young attorney was 
trying to impress the jury with the magnitude of the injury.   
"Yes, Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, twenty-four pigs. 
Imagine, twenty-four pigs. 
Twice the number there are in the jury box."  

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to
talk about.  He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work.
These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain.  Ice cream
sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the
boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's
suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.  He asks, "Do you
have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card.  He thinks of his father's advice and asks the 
girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

Men and Women - "Because we live in the modern age, 
women now have choices that are just killing them.
"They can have a job, not have a job. They can be married or unmarried, 
married with children, unmarried with children, married with children 
and a job, unmarried with children and a job, unmarried with children 
and no job, unmarried with children who themselves have jobs, 
have a job and an au pair who has children, marry the au pair, 
have the au pair have their children, etc...
"Men, unfortunately, have the same choice we've always had: 
We can work or we can go to jail." --Tim Allen

Match Play
Bill and Bob, longtime golfing buddies, were involved in a match-play 
contest with the score "all-square" at the 18th tee.
Bill slices his tee shot way left, and the ball finally stops on the cart path. 
Meanwhile, Bob smashes his first shot straight down the middle.
"Oh well," says Bill, "I should get a free drop from there."
"Heck no," says Bob, "We play the ball as it lies."
And so Bill did.
After dropping his opponent on the middle of the fairway, Bill took the 
golf cart to his lie on the concrete path. Sparks fly from the cart path, as 
Bill makes a few aggressive practice swings.
Finally, Bill hits the ball off the cart path, leaving a miraculous shot 
only 3 feet from the pin.
As the two meet in the fairway, Bob comments, 
"That was a great shot..what club did you use?"
"Your 6 iron," says Bill.

The Circus Couple (When you tell this joke, make sure you follow it 
with a loud "Ha!" before the boos rush in...)
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. 
One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. 
The husband was extremely dejected. 
The strong man asked him what he was going to do.
The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where 
I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."

Tough Duty
A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland 
at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check, he discovered that the aircraft's 
latrine holding tank was still full from the last flight. So a message was sent 
to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally got to the air base and made his way to the aircraft, 
only to find that the latrine pump truck had been left outdoors and was frozen 
solid, so he had to find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. 
He returned to the aircraft and was less than enthusiastic about what he had to do. 
Nevertheless, he went about the pumping job deliberately and carefully 
(and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he left the plane, the pilot stopped him and said, "Son, your attitude and 
performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it 
that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the airman took a deep breath, stood up 
tall and said, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the 
United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without 
any leave, and the reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. 
I have one stripe, it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees 
below zero and my job here is to pump crap from your aircraft. 
Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"

A lieutenant was brilliant in military matters, but lacked a few social graces.  
One day he called a soldier in to the office and said
"Kramer, your grandmother died." The soldier fell apart.  
After he left, the colonel told the lieutenant, 
"You could have been a little more tactful. 
I have some books at home that could help you." 
The lieutenant read the half-dozen books lent him by the colonel and was 
ready for the next crisis.  Private Taylor's grandfather had passed away. 
The next morning, at reveille, the lieutenant said, "Men, how many of you 
have a grandfather still living?  Not so fast, Private Taylor!"  

Flight Training
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, 
Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed 
by my instructor. My buddy whispered the correct response to me. 
After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his 
remarks were directed to my friend.
"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, 
and don't let your lips move so much."

Today's PUNS for Fun
Lately my friend has been daydreaming about having another baby. 
                          She has all these infantasies. (Cynthia MacGregor)
My roof leaks due to a lack of good ceiling. (The Big Pun)
Money does not talk. It just goes without saying. (Renee from Napa)
The school coach worked with his star pitcher on the learning curve. 
A thief who stole cutlery without leaving a clue was called the 
                          "stainless stealer." (Pun of the Day)
Did you hear about the wife who had plastic surgery? 
            Her husband cut up her credit cards.  (Haust Javeri)
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. (Pun of the Day)
The building contractor needed the money from a castle remodeling job
            to buy his new television set. It would be impossible for him to
            watch TV without a re-moat. (Daniel Riehs)
I heard of a Pastor who had a special drawer where he filed his bills. 
           It was labeled "Due unto others." (J. Wilson)
She couldn't help throwing up at funerals. She was suffering from 
           Mourning Sickness!  (Johann von Haupkopf)
Is it really San Andreas' fault that California has so many 
             earthquakes? (Lawrence Brotherton)
A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment 
             with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat 
              and became part of the solution. (Daryl Stout)
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 
          "A beer please, and how about one for the road." (Clean Laughs)
Victoria's Secret is launching a new line of a wide
               variety of Freudian slips. (Norm Gilbert)
Auto body-shop sign: "We come highly wreck-a-mended" (Anita M. Gard)
Note from the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in  
      your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." (Lee Daniel Quinn)
Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?
           They loved in vein. (Daryl Stout)
"Oh, look!" I said. "A crocodile." "No," my friend corrected me. 
               "It's walking between those two buildings--it's obviously 
                an alleygator." (Cynthia MacGregor)
I refuse to visit Marx's tomb because it's all just a communist plot. 
Stable relationships are for horses (Renee from Napa)
There was an English teacher who kept her class spell bound. 
Some daze I just can't seem to focus. (Crazy Puns)
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself. (D. A. Funk)
Old politicians never die, they just get devoted. (Pun of the Day)

32 Years difference
1972: Long hair    2004:  Longing for hair
1972: KEG           2004: EKG
1972: Acid rock   2004: Acid reflux
1972: Moving to  California because it's cool
             2004: Moving to California because it's  warm
1972: Trying to  look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
              2004: Trying NOT to look like  Marlon Brando or Liz  Taylor
1972: Seeds and stems         2004: Roughage
1972: Hoping for a BMW    2004: Hoping for a BM
1972: The Grateful Dead     2004: Dr. Kevorkian
1972: Going to a  new, hip joint
              2004: Receiving a new hip joint
1972: Rolling Stones    2004: Kidney Stones
1972: Disco                  2004: Costco
1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
               2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1972: Passing the drivers' test      2004: Passing the vision! test
1972: Whatever     2004: Depends
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a  list to try to 
give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's  incoming freshmen. 
Here's this year's list:
The people who are  starting college this fall across the nation were born
in 1985. They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," 
          or "de plane Boss,  de plane."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet?  Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list.

Driving In NYC
New York is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in America in which to 
drive. Who would argue? Herewith, for newcomers and visitors, are a few basic
 rules of the road for driving in these parts:
To obtain a general idea of how to drive in New York, go to a Knicks game and 
carefully watch the fast break. Then get behind the wheel of your car and practice it.
Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.
When in doubt, accelerate.
In the long run, parking your car in a lot is always cheaper than parking it at a meter.
Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper stickers may brake for 
animals, but they may not brake for you. Watch it.
Never drive behind a person whose head doesn't reach the top of the steering wheel.
Teenage drivers believe they are immortal. Don't yield to the temptation to teach
them otherwise.
Taxicabs should always have the right of way, unless you are bent on suicide.
Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself 
under the wheels of your car.
The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.
Learn to swerve abruptly. New York is the home of slalom driving, thanks to the 
Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' 
reflexes and keep them on their toes.
Steer clear of people with anti-nuclear bumper stickers pasted on their cars. 
They are interested in preserving mankind, which is admirable. They are not 
necessarily interested in preserving you, or themselves, for that matter. 
They have more important things to think about.
Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
Double-park in the North End of New York, unless triple-parking is available.
Always look both ways when running a red light.
While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot parking space, it is seldom 
possible to fit a 16-foot car into a 15-foot parking space. Sad but true.
There is no such thing as a short cut during rush-hour traffic in New York.
It is traditional in New York to honk your horn at cars that don't move 
the instant the light changes.
Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions. They are put 
there to confuse people who don't know their way around the city.
Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes. Breakdown lanes are 
not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during rush hour.
Never use directional signals, since they only confound and distract other 
New York drivers, who are not used to them.
Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. New York drivers, unused to 
such courtesies, will think you are making obscene gestures to them. 
This could be very bad for you in New York.
The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the New York area, 
a signal to slow down. It is a warning to speed up and get through the
intersection before the light turns red.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.
In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element of surprise. 
That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun other drivers.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.
Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to insure 
inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible.
Remember that the goal of every driver is 
to get there first by whatever means necessary.
Above all, keep moving. Good luck -- you'll need it!

This following is NOT humor, yet interesting .............
Maybe this puts the world into different perspective. If we could shrink the 
earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing 
human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:
There would be:  57 Asians  21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, north and south  8 Africans
52 would be female  48 would be male
70 would be nonwhite  30 would be white
70 would be non-Christian  30 would be Christian
99 would be heterosexual  1 would be homosexual
6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth 
           and all 6 would be from the United States.
80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer
When one considers our world from a compressed perspective, the need for 
acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.
The following is also something to ponder...
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...
         you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of
         imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation...
         you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, 
        or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof
        overhead and a place to sleep... you are richer than 75% of this world!
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a
       dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.
If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare, 
       even in the United States and Canada.
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that 
       someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed
       than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
Someone once said:
       What goes around comes around. Work like you don't need the money. 
       Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching. 
       Sing like nobody's listening. Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
Pass this on, and brighten someone's day. 
        Nothing will happen if you do not decide to pass it along.
The only thing that will happen, if you DO pass it on,
        is that someone might smile because of you.

Editor's Note: That is one reason I spend the hours posting SMILERS
       just for you, since you may be one of only a few reading this. BUT
       you may expand the smiles created by all the humor on Smilers pages,
      just send the URL on to those you know that may need a smile today.
Happy I Chuckles  (still a pen name, not gone to court to change it yet)