We wildly underestimate the power of the tiniest personal touch of kindness. "We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility; and we learned how to deal with it all." If people who shun all meat are vegetarians, are cannibals then considered to be humanitarians? A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!" The Neutron A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge." "My life will not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming...........'Wow! What a ride!'" A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up to the heavens, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks," Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." Someone has said that all living is just learning the meaning of words. That does not mean the long ten syllable words we have to look up in the dictionary. The really great words to master are short ones; work, love, hope, joy, pain, home, child, life, death. Halford Luccock Welcome To The Neighborhood A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!" "Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?" "Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said. Vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitors' centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on. My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!" A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile." "That's wonderful!" returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash." An old man was telling his grandson the secret to a long, happy, fruitful life. "The secret is to sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal each morning." The grandson thought this was odd, but still he did it every morning. And the old timer was right. When the young boy died, he left behind 13 children, 23 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a fifteen-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium! Words of Wisdom - Part of being sane, is being a little bit crazy. - Life is like a camel: you can make it do anything except back up. - She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still. - I know it's just a diet, but my body thinks it's famine. - Punctual people have nothing better to do. - It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful. - The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening. - I had plastic surgery last week. My wife cut up my credit cards. - This house is protected by killer dust bunnies. - A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. Tidbits of Humor: Many politicians say we should pay lower taxes but if we take their advice, the IRS will put us in jail. Times sure have changed. Yesterday a bum asked me if I could spare $2.75 for a double cappuccino with no foam. Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. Scud Missiles I'm the only female in a house full of guys. Four sons and a husband. I'm the only one who would be using Female products.....correct? A peculiar thing was happening at my house. Tampons were disappearing! A few months ago I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon,and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it. Next month I go back to the cupboard...and again...there is only one tampon left again. What's going on? Gremlins? I go to the store and buy another box, and forget about it. I decided to clean out my two youngest sons closet and at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators and the tampons themselves. I am starting to freak! What are they doing with them? I get a hold of myself and tell myself that I am an adult and can handle this, despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. I'm thinking, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for major therapy?" I go to the top of the stairs and yell for my two youngest sons to "come here!" They march up the stairs and find me in their room staring into the bottom of their closet. I said "What are you doing with those? Those are mine!" My 10 year old looks at me all innocent and says. "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and stuff... and those make really good scud missiles...What do you use them for?" To which I replied: "Never Mind! Go Play!" Thoughts for several days: I used to eat a lot of natural foods until ........... I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?" Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration... About those Chicago Cubs... In 1908, the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. Since then: 1. Radio was invented. 2. Four states were admitted to the Union. 3. The atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. 4. Television was invented. 5. The U.S. went through the Great Depression. 6. The U.S. participated in two world wars and five armed conflicts. 7. The NFL was founded. 8. Man landed on the moon. 9. Thirteen presidents were elected and one was appointed. 10. Harry Carey was born. 11. Wrigley Field was built and became the oldest baseball park in the NL 12. Five flag poles, erected at Wrigley Field for the purpose of holding a World Series flag, have worn out and been replaced without ever holding a pennant. 14. Ten teams were added to the major leagues. 15. Halley's Comet passed the earth twice. 16. Hundreds of boys were born, raised, played inept baseball for the Cubs, retired and died of old age. "'Harry Potter' author J.K. Rowling says she might not stop at 7 books and might make an 8th book about Harry as an adult. When asked why she said, 'There's still money in the world that I don't have yet'." --Conan O'Brien "McDonald's is getting defensive. They are now saying that you can get a great cardio workout at the catsup pump." --David Letterman Jesus...you there? Little Johnny was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. Little Johnny turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." His mother smiled reassuringly at Little Johnny. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you." Little Johnny looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?" "Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," Little Johnny thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?" Wise Sayings ....? (maybe, maybe not) ......... well, you be the judge! Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". ~Eleanor Roosevelt Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister .....and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects. ~Les Dawson By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. ~Ed Furgol Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.~Herbert Henry Asquith I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.~Bob Hope A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.~W.C. Fields I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.~W.C. Fields It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Unknown Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~Unknown Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But ..... everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Unknown Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. ~Unknown The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~Unknown It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~Unknown Men are like floor tile. Lay them right the first time, and you can walk on them forever. ~ Anon A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida in the middle of the winter to get warmed up. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 29 years before. Because both had jobs it was not easy to plan their travel together, so they decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. When the husband arrived, he checked into the hotel. There was a computer in the room, so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her address and his e-mail went by mistake to a widow in Houston. In Houston, the widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He had been a preacher who passed away following a heart attack. After the widow got home from the funeral, she checked her e-mail expecting messages of condolance from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message accidentally sent by the man on vacation, she screamed. Her son rushed into the room and found his mother hysterical. When he asked what was wrong, she pointed to the computer screen. He checked it and understood why his mother was so upset. The e-mail message read: To My Loving Wife: Subject: I've Arrived! You're probably surprised to hear from me so soon. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails back to your loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I am looking forward to having you here with me. From your loving husband. PS: It sure is hot down here! There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this. You got to love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir,what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private. "The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it," the man replied. The doctor's office erupted in laughter. Words Women Use Here are some explanations to the things you probablyhave pondered over in past times. I hope this helps youto try to understand women better. FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! ) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" SOFT SIGH Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content. THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." GO AHEAD! At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. PLEASE DO This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not faint ! Just say you're welcome. THANKS A LOT This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing" Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology! And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!