“For those who have fought for it, life has a special meaning 
                 the protected will never know.”   Author unknown.

Why in America do we have a general in charge of the post office, 
                 and a secretary in charge of defense?

"Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate." 

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into 
our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim 
form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," 
she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."

"Mattel is releasing a new "Teacher" Barbie next week. 
Apparently, it's just like Malibu Barbie--only she can't 
afford the Corvette." -- Stephanie Miller

"The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. 
Which I think is important, because when we want to potty-train the baby 
we should set a good example." -- Howie Mandel

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants in a study of 
obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had
been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 
responses the day after the ad came out.
All from the same person.

"Perfect"
Young son: Pop, did you know Mommy thinks you're perfect?
Father: She does? Wow! How do you know?
Young son: I heard her say it to Mrs. Smith.
Father: When was that?
Young son: Just before she used the word idiot.

Max Greenberg was at his favorite eatery, the Second Avenue Deli, when 
he called over the waiter.  
"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.  
"Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered from?" asked Max.  
"Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.  
Max replied, "Because I was expecting he would be a much older man by now."

A lot of folks cannot understand how we came to have an oil shortage. 
Well, here's a very simple answer. 
Nobody bothered to check the oil. 
We just did not know we were getting low. 
The reason for that is purely geographical.
All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, Oklahoma, Wyoming, Montana, The Dakotas, 
       California, and the Gulf of Mexico.
All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.

Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. 
A small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 
"Don't you know what pregnant means ?" she asked. 
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

A visitor to New York rushed from the airport into a waiting taxi, 
trying to keep dry in the heavy downpour.
"Can you think of anything worse," grumbled the visitor, 
"than raining cats and dogs in New York?"
"Sure," said the cab driver. "Hailing taxis!"

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her 
look years younger.  After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the
"miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" 
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; 
your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five." 
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. 
"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."  

Permitted To Learn
As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've
learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the
wheel. One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive 
for 30 minutes.
When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change
places with one of the others.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a
shaky voice, "Should I stop the car first?"

11 Proofs of Really Really Bad Traffic
1. Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a
tire without losing your place in line.
2. All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing 
they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.
3. Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people
trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
4. You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. 
You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
5. It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and 
go wherever the other cars take you.
6.  The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day 
off... even then, you're cutting it close
7.  Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
8.  You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit 
ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
9.  During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to
buy the car driving next to you.
10. Remember the good old days when traffic used to be bumper to bumper? 
Now it's windshield wiper to windshield
wiper.
11. Our highways have become insane asylums with turn signals.

On a family vacation in Texas, my brother-in-law Mike exhibited the exuberance 
of a tourist. At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal 
arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size.
"Wow," he exclaimed, "everything IS bigger in Texas!"
As he lifted the burger off the plate, his eyes met the cold stare 
of the 300-pound waitress.

Just because I am Blonde
Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the 
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call
from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for 
a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that 
I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast 
talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows 
would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line 
so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. 
Guess I must have won that silly argument.

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a 
jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that 
she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," she replied.  "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response.  "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

"What Is A Grandparent?"
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. 
          They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to 
see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they 
drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves 
and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also 
       Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Grandparents don't have to be smart. But they have to answer questions like 
         "Why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same 
story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have 
television, because they are the only grown-ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with 
us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

The Mommy Test
I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter.. She picked up something 
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" "Because it's been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs." 
At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, 
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
"Uh," I was thinking quickly, " . . . everyone knows this stuff. Um, it's on the 
Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
"Oh."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently 
pondering this new information.
"I get it!" she beamed. "Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a deal 
with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying 
to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, 
Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let's see...mortgage 550.00, 
electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. 
"It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"

"Smart Talking Parrot"
A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. 
She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing 
her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the
same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the 
store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely 
and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."

Fun Puns
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A father from Europe is visiting his son in America for the very first time. 
They are at the local supermarket going up and down the aisles.
Dad: "Vas diss, powdered orange juice?"
Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add water, and you have fresh orange juice!"
A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says:
"Und vas dis, powdered milk?"
Son: "Yeah, Dad. You just add water, and you have fresh milk!"
A few minutes later, in a different aisle the father says: 
"Und give look here. Baby Powder! 
Vat a country! Dey take da fun outta everyting!"

MEMORIES 
A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street, 
    A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat. 
In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone, And no 
     need for recording things, someone was always home. 
We only had a living room where we would congregate, 
    Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate. 
We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine, 
   When meeting as a family those two rooms would work out fine. 
We only had one TV set, and channels maybe two, But always 
    there was one of them with something worth the view. 
For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip, 
   And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip. 
Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked 
  to cook, And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty Crocker's book. 
The snacks were even healthy with the best ingredients, 
     No labels with a hundred things that make not a bit of sense. 
Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play, 
     We all did things together -- even go to church to pray. 
When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather, 
    No one stayed at home because we liked to be together. 
Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own, 
  But we knew where the others were without our own cell phone. 
Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star, 
   And nothing can compare to watching movies in your car. 
Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season, 
    Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason. 
Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know, 
     Have real action playing ball -- and no game video. 
Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend, 
     And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend? 
The way that he took care of you or what he had to do, 
    Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for you. 
Remember going to the store and shopping casually, And 
     when you went to pay for it you used your own money? 
Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount, 
   Remember when the cashier person had to really count? 
Remember when we breathed the air; it smelled so fresh and clean, 
   And chemicals were not used on the grass to keep it green. 
The milkman used to go from door to door, And it was just 
      a few cents more than going to the store. 
There was a time when mailed letters came right to your door, 
    Without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every store. 
The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it was sent; 
    There were not loads of mail addressed to "present occupant." 
Remember when the words "I do" meant that you really did, 
     And not just temporarily 'til someone blows their lid. 
T'was no such thing as "no one's fault; we just made a mistake,"
     There was a time when married life was built on give and take. 
There was a time when just one glance was all that it would take, 
     And you would know the kind of car, the model and the make. 
They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every mile; 
   They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and really had some style. 
One time the music that you played whenever you would jive, 
      Was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five. 
The record player had a post to keep them all in line, 
    And then the records would drop down and play one at a time. 
Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today, 
    And always we were striving, trying for a better way. 
And every year that passed us by brought new and greater things, 
    We now can even program phones with music or with rings. 
Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun, 
     How can you explain a game, just kick the can and run? 
And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle spokes, 
    And for a nickel red machines had little bottled Cokes? 
This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways, 
     I love the new technology but I sure miss those days. 
So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same, 
     But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.