"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say 
and then don't say it." - Sam Levenson 

http://www.mtbireland.com/dodge.html

"Opinions are like the nose on our faces:  
Everyone has one and there are usually a couple of holes in them." 

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's 
Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind 
is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. 

On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental
company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He
was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the
make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more
detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."
After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was inter-viewing a 
prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. 
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the 
student replied. 
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean
much impressed. 
"No," replied the applicant.  "But he always dreamed of it."  

A young man is an avid listener to the city's police frequency, and he
leaves the scanner on all the time.
One morning while making his bed, I heard the dispatcher say,
"Car 34, there is a five-foot boa constrictor in a front yard.  
The resident wants a policeman to come and remove it."
There was a long pause, then some static.
Slowly, a voice said, "We can't get the car started."

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than
jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said 
that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and 
they'd have to move. 
"It's no use." Robbie said, 
"She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us." 
 
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.  
While passing a car, he knocks on the window.  
The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?" 
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" 
"No I haven't" 
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car.  
While passing it, he knocks on the window.  
The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?" 
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" 
"No I haven't" 
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late.  
He crashes off the road into a ditch.  
A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.  
Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?" 
"Yes I have.  I had a Honda for 20 years." 
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"  

Teacher asks the kids in spelling class to tell what their father 
does for a living, and spell it. 
First kid says, "My daddy's a baker. That's b-a-k-e-r. He makes 
bread and lots of sweet goodies to eat." 
Second kid says, "My daddy's a banker. That's b-a-n-k-e-r. 
He makes lots of money, buys us lots of toys." 
Next kid says, "My daddy's an electrician. That's e-l-a-k...uh,
 e-l-e-x...uh...." 
Teacher interrupts, saying, "That's okay, Rayford. Think about
it and we'll come back to you." 
Turning to Little Johnny, she says, "You're next, Johnny." 
Little Johnny says, "My daddy's a bookie. That's b-o-o-k-i-e,
and I'll lay you odds ten to one Rayford don't ever spell electrician." 

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the
Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the 
women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men 
how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. 
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. 
Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't 
hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" 
The room really got quiet. 
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. 
"Yes?" replied the teacher. 
"Is it all right if she carries my golf bag while we walk?" 

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around 
at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of 
a rat.  It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. 
He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" 
"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," 
said the owner. 
The tourist gave the man twelve dollars.  
"I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." 
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that
a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began 
following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began 
walking faster.  But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind 
him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. 
He began to trot toward the bay, looking around to see that the rats 
now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming
toward him faster and faster. 
Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw 
the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. 
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it, 
and were all drowned. 
The man walked back to the curio shop.  
"Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?" 
"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician?"  

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which 
was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there 
was feared by all. 
However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of 
the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered 
the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon 
him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just 
want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to 
make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots. 
The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began 
developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black 
and underexposed. 
So what's the moral of the story? 
The spirit was willing but the flash was weak. 

Some Famous Last Words 
Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
It's fireproof.
What does this button do?
Are you sure the power is off?
Pull the pin and count to what?
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
Let it down slowly.
OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.
This doesn't taste right.
So, you're a cannibal.  

The Laws of Life
Everyone knows Murphy's Law: "Anything that can go wrong, will..."
Here are some other Laws you may not have heard!
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: 
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Lowery's Law of Home Repair: 
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway
Beach's Law: Interchangeable parts aren't.
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it 
cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Lane's Law of Supply and Demand: 
The one item you need is always in short supply.
Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work 
because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
Norman Einstein's Law: If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid.
Col. Murphy's Law of Combat: Never forget that your weapon 
was made by the lowest bidder!
  
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, 
but I got canned... couldn't concentrate. 
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just 
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. 
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, 
mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. 
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my 
life, but I just didn't have the thyme. 
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, 
I couldn't cut the mustard. 
My best job was being a musician, 
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. 
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. 
Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in. 
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't 
live on my net income. 
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, 
but the work was just too draining. 
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. 
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a 
historian, but there was no future in it. 
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was 
always the same old grind. 
SO I RETIRED, 
AND FOUND THAT I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB 

Thinking Outside of the Box
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam 
after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor 
picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, 
prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion.
Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the
existence of the chair.
One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered 
how he could have gotten an "A"" when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words:
"What chair?"

A woman's husband dies and she has only $20,000 to her name.
After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells 
her closest friend that she has no money left.
The friend says, "How can that be?  You told me you still had $20,000
left just a few days before your husband died.  How could you be broke?"
The widow says, "Well, the funeral home cost me $5,000.  And of course,
I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, so that was another
$5,000.  The rest went for the memorial stone."
The friend says, "$10,000 for the memorial stone?  Wow, how big was it?"
Extending her left hand, the widow says, "Three carats."

Courses for Women  
1. Silence, the final frontier: 
              Where no woman has gone before. 
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: 
             How to make deposits. 
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: 
             You don't need new shoes everyday. 
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people. 
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife. 
6. An invitation to a party does not mean
             that you have to have a new outfit. 
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage 
             can wait until after the game. 
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the 
             bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush. 
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you. 
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first. 
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking. 
12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult. 
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire. 
14. Real women drink their share at a party. 
15. Telephones: How to hang up. 
16. Parking: Beginners Course. 
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space. 
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor. 
19. Managing your weight: It's not water retention... it's fat. 
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food. 
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs. 
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully. 
23. PMS: Your problem... not his. 
  
Barbara was taking her first skydiving lesson. The instructor told 
her to jump out of the plane and pull her rip cord, explaining that he
 himself would jump out right behind her so that they would go down 
together. Barbara understood and was ready. Just before it was time 
for Barbara to jump out of the plane, the instructor reminded her that 
he would be right behind her. She jumped, and, after being in the air 
for a few seconds, pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed her 
out of the plane. He pulled his rip cord but the parachute didn't open. 
As he struggled to pull the emergency rip cord, he shot downward 
and darted past Barbara. Seeing this, Barbara quickly undid the 
straps to her own parachute, and yelled after him, 
"So you wanna race, huh?!" 

The other day I was in the local auto parts store. 
A lady comes in and asks for a seven ten cap. 
We all looked at each other and said, "What's a seven ten cap?" 
She said "You know, it's right on the engine. 
Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one." 
"What kind of a car is it on?" they asked. 
Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten, 
but no, she said, "It's a Buick." 
"OK lady, how big is it?" 
She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter. 
"What does it do?" we asked. 
She said, "I don't know but it's always been there." 
One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw 
a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in 
diameter and in the center she writes 710. 
The guys behind the counter are looking at it upside down as
she writes it and they just fall down behind the counter laughing. 

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend 
towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of 
warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. 
Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, 
however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is 
really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in 
light of the findings of 20th century physics. 
We therefore propose that the following list of warnings appears 
on every product offered for sale in the United States. 
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. 
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy 
Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. 
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains 
Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in 
Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour. 
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," 
It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time 
Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. 
(Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was 
never quite sure that his principle was correct) 
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance 
That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May
Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear 
at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's
Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Damages 
or Inconvenience That May Result. 
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents 
Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, 
This Product Consists Of 99.999999999% Empty Space. 
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That 
When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, 
It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and 
Undetermined State. 
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting 
This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent 
on Its Velocity Relative to the User.