What I have learned in life is; Life is a gift to be enjoyed. "I went to watch Pavarotti once. He doesn't like it when you join in." - Mick Miller Dandylions, small bursts of sunshine in your yard. And as you know, they are hard to Kill. They just keep coming back! What did the mama buffalo say to the son buffalo when he went off to college? "Bison." My friend Cindy was walking up Third Avenue in Manhattan thinking about her impending wedding. Strung across the street in midtown was a large protest banner. When she arrived home, she said to her fiancé, "There is a giant sign across Third Avenue that says, 'Free China,' but they don't tell you where to get it. A man walked into a bakery, carrying a pie box. He approached the clerk at the counter. The clerk said, 'Yes, sir, what can I do for you?" The man replied, "I want my money back! I bought this pie yesterday here." The clerk looked at him and said, "But, where's the PIE?" The man said, "I et it! ALL of it!" So the clerk asked him why he thought he should get his money back if he had eaten all the pie. "See here on the box? It says it's supposed to feed 6 people! I am NOT 6 people!" A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn't heard anything from her for a few days. So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Pierpoint is." A few minutes later, the boy returns. "Well, is she all right?" the mother asks. "She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says. "At me? Whatever for?" "Well," says her son, "Mrs. Pierpoint told me it's none of your business how old she is." Billy Joe came visitin' up north, and decided he wanted to do something he could never do in the south... SNOW SKIING. Unfortunately, before he ever made it UP the hill so he could try and come DOWN the hill, he was knocked unconscious by the chairlift. He called his insurance company from the hospital, but they said they were refusing to cover the injury. "WHAT?!" yelled Billy Joe into the phone. "And why wouldn't you cover an injury like this?" "You got hit in the head by a chairlift," the insurance rep said. "That makes you an idiot... and we consider that to be pre- existing condition." When the U.S. Mint reissued two-dollar bills, I thought they might someday become collectors' items. I went to the bank and picked up a hundred, serially numbered and still in their original band. On my next trip to my parents' house, I gave the $200 to my mother and said, "Take good care of these. They might be worth something someday." Just recently, I asked Mom if she was keeping the two-dollar bills safe. "Oh, yes!" she replied. "I deposited them in the bank the day after you gave them to me." Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were. "I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week." "Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day." "That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grampa, I can wear them out in a hour." Hurry Home It has to be confessed that the minister was rather long-winded. During his sermon a young wife of the congregation remembered that she had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame. She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher. He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the pulpit. The minister paused, took the note with a smile, which turned into a terrific frown as he read: "Please hurry home and shut off the gas." Having a BAD DAY? Consider these next 5 stories .............. Well, then, consider this.............. 1. In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crossses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner. 2. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both. 3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman 4. Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death. 5. Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. ............ There now, feeling any better ? Depends on your Point of View How men and women define the same term in different ways: 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female....Any part under a car's hood. Male....The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male....Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male...Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys. 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family. Male.......Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one. 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female......A good movie, concert, play or book. Male.....Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male....A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female....The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male....Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it. 8 REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female....A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male...A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes Okay, you've heard of Murphy's famous Law: Everything that can go wrong will go wrong. Well, there are many other related Laws. Here are some: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair Identical parts aren't. Beach's Law Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. Anthony's Law of the Workshop Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. Tussman's Law If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Lowery's Law The solution to a problem changes the problem. Peer's Law There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. William's Law Handy Guide to Modern Science: 1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology. 2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry. 3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics. Machines should work. People should think. IBM's Pollyanna Principle: The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management. The Dilbert Principle The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. Ehrlich's Law It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. Ralph's Observation If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. Cannon's Comment Thinly sliced cabbage. Cole's Law Tax his land, tax his wage, Tax his bed in which he lays. Tax his tractor, tax his mule, Teach him taxes is the rule. Tax his cow, tax his goat, Tax his pants, tax his coat. Tax his ties, tax his shirts, Tax his work, tax his dirt. Tax his chew, tax his smoke, Teach him taxes are no joke. Tax his car, tax his ass, Tax the roads he must pass. Tax his tobacco, tax his drink, Tax him if he tries to think. Tax his booze, tax his beers, If he cries, tax his tears. Tax his bills, tax his gas, Tax his notes, tax his cash. Tax him good and let him know, That after taxes, he has no dough. If he hollers, tax him more, Tax him until he's good and sore. Tax his coffin, tax his grave, Tax the sod in which he lays. Put these words upon his tomb, "Taxes drove me to my doom!" And when he's gone, we won't relax .................. We'll still be after the inheritance TAX ! Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud: Name something a blind person might use: a sword Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse Name something that floats in the bath: water Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair Name something red: my cardigan Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers Name a famous royal: mail Name a number you have to memorize: 7 Name something you do before going to bed: sleep Name something you put on walls: roofs Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes Name something you might be allergic to: skiing Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet Name a continent: Italy Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog Name something slippery: a con man Name a kind of ache: a pancake Name a food that can be brown or white: potato Name a potato topping: jam Name a famous Scotsman: Jock Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones Name something with a hole in it: window Name a non-living object with legs: plant Name a domestic animal: leopard Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee Name a way of cooking fish: cod Name something you clean: your sister Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?" "Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave." "There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris. "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually met Dave." "Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris. "Because I married his widow." YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...2004 VERSION Your standard of living improves when you go camping. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode. None of the tires on your van are the same size. You hold the hood of the car with your head while you work on it. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House. Starting your car involves popping the hood. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays. You whistle at women in church. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home. You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back seat.