"I shall hear in heaven." - Ludwig Van Beethoven, 1827 

"Most people are so lazy, that they don't even exercise good judgement!" 

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things
from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning.  
As she lay there looking forward to being brought breakfast in bed, the smell 
of bacon floated up from the kitchen.
Finally, the children called her to come downstairs. She found them both sitting 
at the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day, we decided to cook our own breakfast." 

The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory. 
An exciting new discovery is about to take place. In the next room sits 
Bell's assistant, a man named Watson, hard at work on Bell's new invention 
to transmit sound over wires. 
As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, 
it suddenly rings -- it must be Bell! 
He picks it up and hears:  
"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long distance service?"  

Having many legal problems, including a divorce, a man had become thoroughly 
disgusted with lawyers in general. One evening in a cafe, the conversation got 
around to his pet peeve and he started "venting." "All lawyers are jerks,"
he loudly proclaimed.
Another man nearby heard this, looked disturbed, and sauntered over to him.  
"Look, I heard what you said, and I am highly offended by it."
"Why is that-are you a lawyer?" he asked.
"No, I'm not; I'm a jerk!"

Do You Understand? At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his 
young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is?  What a team is?" 
The little boy nodded yes.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" 
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you 
don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" 
Again, the boy nodded yes.
"Good," said the coach.  "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked
home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

When my son was in the ninth grade, we reluctantly agreed to let him move into 
the basement. Then I realized how convenient it was to get him to the breakfast table.  
Before, I used to stand at the bottom of the staircase and scream his name.  
Now all I had to do was flick the basement light off and on, and he was here. 
One morning I flicked the switch, and nothing happened. I did it several more times.   
"I'm on my way," my son called up.  "You didn't have to yell."  

At our local funeral parlor families are given the chance to chose the music CD they
would like to enter the service to.
One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender." 
Well the day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family
to walk in to the service.
Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family 
found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."

Punishment ....... An irritated father complained to his golf buddy.
"When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved.  
But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and 
CD player in his room!"
"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.
"I send him to MY room!"

Signs warning of closed roadways are frequently ignored in rural Minnesota, 
so highway workers barely took notice when a woman drove past their sign 
and over the hill to the trench they had dug in the middle of the road. 
The workers explained the detour route to town, and she went on her way. 
They were surprised, however, to see the same woman coming toward them
from town a couple of hours later. 
"Oh," she said distractedly as she pulled up next to the trench crew.  
"Is it closed in this direction too?"  
Question ... what color of hair does the woman have?

It seems that while on the campaign trail, Mr Kerry has a habit of jogging.  
While out one morning, he noticed a little girl sitting on the corner with a 
cardboard box in her lap.  Curious, he stopped by and asked her name, 
"Hannah" she replied.  "Well, Miss Hannah, what do you have in that box."
he inquired.  Hannah stated, "Kittens, I have brand new kittens." 
Laughing, Mr. Kerry asks, "What kind of kittens are they?"  
"Why, these are Democrat Kittens." she firmly stated.
With a chuckle, Mr. Kerry goes on his way,
A few days later, he happens to be running with several aides and reporters 
and spots Hannah. Thinking this to be an excellent photo op, he runs over, 
with his entourage, and stops in front of Hannah.  
"I would like everyone to meet one of my friends, Miss Hannah," 
Mr Kerry loudly proclaims. 
He asks everyone to look into the box at the kittens.  
"Hannah, Tell all these people and these reporters what kind of kittens 
you have in that box." 
Hannah looked right at the crowd at said. "These are Republican Kittens."  
Somewhat taken aback, Mr Kerry interjects, 
"But just a few days ago you told me these were Democrat Kittens."
"Well," little Miss Hannah explained, looking into the box 
and pointing to the kittens, 
"Now they have their eyes open." 

It takes a really tall tale to win the annual Burlington, Wis., Liars Club 
Contest. So tip your hat to Gordon Zwicky, because he's a worthy 
champion.  In 2000, he beat out 299 other competitors with a whopper 
about his trip to Florida.  A neighbor, said Zwicky, told him and his wife 
Dorothy that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs 
along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read, 
"Clean Restrooms Ahead." 
Two months later, they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 
86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of 
toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned:  450. 

WOMEN'S BUTT SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their butts..
I thought the results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their butt is too big...
10% of women think their butt  is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care - 
they love him and would have married him anyway.
I know this had to put a smile on your face. Enjoy your day! 

Why am I so tired???
For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, 
too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood or anything else
I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm 
overworked. Here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving
19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with national defense.
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city
governments, that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. 
You and me. 
And there you are sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice, real nice.       (At least this "Smilers" editor says "THANK YOU")

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance. 
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 
300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and the 
"Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World." 
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, 
probably better than Houdini." 
The giant nodded. 
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong 
you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just
 how quickly you can break out of them?" 
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. 
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled. 
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. 
The fellow tried again.  "Nope," he replied.  "I can't do it." 
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."  

How to tell if you're a "professional".
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you
whether you are qualified to be a "professional."
The questions are NOT that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, 
and close the door. 
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly 
complicated way.
2 How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, 
and close the refrigerator?" 
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe put in the elephant 
and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of 
your previous actions.
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. 
All the animals attend... except one ... 
Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. 
You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, 
you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles, 
and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. 
Have you not been listening? 
All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. 
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the 
professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers 
got several correct answers.
Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that 
most professionals have the brains of a four year old.
Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

Ramblings of a retired mind..........
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that 
everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something 
on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."
I have gotten that furniture disease; that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" 
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an 
emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed 
to do... write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage 
stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they 
get older, then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals. 
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
 
Everyone seems to be wondering .............
why Islamic terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now:
No Jesus, No Walmart, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, 
No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties. 
No Home Depot. No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, 
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks, No gumbo, No jambalaya.
More than one wife.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door
because he's sick and there are no doctors. 
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
No chocolate chip cookies. No Christmas.
You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash 
off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, 
but your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, IS THERE A MYSTERY HERE??
 
Cost of raising kids
I have seen repeatedly the breakdown of the cost of raising a child, 
but this is the first time I have seen the rewards listed this way. 
It's nice, really nice!
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 
18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle income family. 
Talk about sticker shock! 
That doesn't even touch college tuition. But $160,140 isn't so bad if you 
break it down.
It translates into $8,896 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week.
That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour.
Still, you might think the best financial advice says don't have children 
if you want to be "rich." It is just the opposite.
What do your get for your $160,140?
Naming rights,--- First, middle, and last!
Glimpses of God everyday.
Giggles under the covers every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jam.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sand castles, and skipping 
down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.  Someone to laugh yourself silly with no 
matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to fingerprint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, 
and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching 
Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney Land, and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and 
collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for 
Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.
For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off  the garage roof, taking the 
training wheels off the bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing 
a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but 
always gets treated to ice cream regardless.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra,
first date, and first time behind the wheel. You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree and if you're lucky, a long list 
of limbs in your obituary called granchildren.
You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, 
and human sexualty that no college can match.
In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there with God.
You have all the power to heal a booboo, scare away the monsters under the 
bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, 
and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, 
love without counting the cost.
ENJOY YOUR KIDS AND YOUR GRAND KIDS!

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they 
offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the 
juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze
one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over 
time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. 
One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in 
and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had
died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. 
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's 
laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and
six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, 
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" 
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 
five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. 
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him 
down the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. 
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, a man in a U.S. Marine Corps uniform 
is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother 
with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, 
motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. 
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly 
fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. 
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin 
attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she ask quietly, "but could
I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" 
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's 
wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to 
throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose, and that I was 
just about to make my selection for this flight!." 

Sniffer
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man 
with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him.
Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the 
dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best 
there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,
"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a 
few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession 
of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police 
who will apprehend her on arrival.
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits 
down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two 
paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, 
so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and 
down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone.
He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the
aisle and the seat. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from 
a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, 
"What the hell is going on with this stupid dog?
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"