It is amazing what you can accomplish ..........
       if you do not care who gets the credit.   - Harry S Truman

"My definition of a free society is a society 
        where it is safe to be unpopular."    ---Adlai Stevenson

"The average person thinks he isn't." 

Earthquake predictors are faultfinders. 

"Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than standing 
in the garage makes you a car." - Billy Graham

For a different digital clock for your computer, try thisURL:
http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html

"Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. 
Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly." -- Conan O'Brien

"A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking. 
You know what's really bad? Second-hand meat." -- Jay Leno

Think of a number. Multiply it by 3. Now add 5. 
Take away the number you first thought of. 
Now add 7. Subtract 2. 
Add back the number you first thought of. 
Now, close your eyes. 
Dark, isn't it?  

In the doctors office two patients are talking.  
"You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor 
left a sponge in me by mistake." 
"A sponge!" exclaims the other.  "And do you feel much pain" 
"No pain at all," says the first, "but do I get thirsty!"  

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings.
They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. 
But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they 
had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. 
"You folks need all the practice you can get."
 
On the first day of Spring Training, a baseball scout brings a horse
with him to add to the starting lineup.
The coach asks, "Why on earth did you bring that horse here for?"
The scout replies, "Wait until you see him bat."
All the players are laughing, until the horse comes to bat.
At this point, the horse grabs the bat and everyone quiets down.
They stare at the horse.
The pitcher, just shrugs his shoulders, and throws the ball toward home
plate, when astonishingly the horse hits the ball deep into the outfield.
The horse just stands there and does not move.
The manager then yells at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to
first base.
The scout looks back at the manager and yells back, 
"If he could run, he'd be in the Kentucky Derby!"

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. 
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. 
About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. 
This time he received a response of eighty percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. 
With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Eighty-six."
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can
live to 86 and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. 
"It's easy. I outlived 'em!"

An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman 
in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal. 
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend. 
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90." 

Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western 
North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications 
for Living in the Real World. 
The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, 
one of my older students approached me in the hallway. 
"You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday," he said.   
"I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, 
compounded daily, for thirty years." 

When I stopped to visit a friend, I found her on the phone with a real-estate agent. 
"That's a little high!" she exclaimed. "What can I get for less than $500 a month?" 
The reply was evidently not to my friend's liking. 
"I see," she said abruptly, and hung up.
"What did the agent say you could get?" I asked.
"A car."

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked 
the man if he knew why he was pulled over. 
"No," the man replied. 
"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the officer explained. 
"But I did slow down!" the guy argued. 
The officer shook his head. "You are required to stop.  
That's why they're called stop signs." 
The man started to get belligerent.  "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?" 
The officer pulled out his baton. 
"I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. 
You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."  

Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a Repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she 
had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. 
"Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. 
By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. 
But, whatever you do, not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he 
discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching 
the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with 
his incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. 
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: 
"Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. 
She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon 
she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. 
She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first 
applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond 
question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. 
Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I 
paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, 
Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent 
a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape.
The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, 
Cindy said proudly, "I've done it! I made it balance!"
Impressed, Mike came over to take a look.
"Let's see...mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." 
His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. 
"It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?"
"Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!"

There was a blonde sitting next to a man on an airplane. 
About one hour into the flight the pilot comes on and says over the 
intercom, "One of our four engines is out -- we will be about fifteen 
minutes late arriving."
About 30 minutes later the pilot comes on the intercom again and says, 
"There is a second engine out -- we will be about 30 minutes late."
Fifteen minutes after that the pilot comes on again and says "I'm sorry to 
say that there is a third engine out -- we'll be about one hour late arriving 
at our destination."
The blonde turns to the man and says "Man, if that fourth engine goes out, 
we'll be up here all day."

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were led to the guillotine for their crimes.  
The executioner pulled the priest forward first and asked him if he wanted to be 
facing up or down when he met his face. 
"Upward," said the priest.  "I want to be looking toward heaven when I die." 
The blade zoomed downward, but stopped just an inch short of the priest's throat.  
All assembled agreed that it was divine intervention, and let the priest go free. 
The drunkard was pulled forward next, and decided to copy the priest, 
hoping he would get as lucky. Again the blade zoomed down but stopped 
just short of the drunkard's throat.  So the authorities released him as well.
It was finally the engineer's turn.  
He, like the others, decided to face upward.
The blade slowly raised back into place.  
"Oh, hey, I think I know what the problem is." The engineer exclaimed. 
"That cable to the left appears to be catching the rope!" 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they 
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had 
been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 
"Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I 
just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember
it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her.  For at least three minutes she just stared and glared 
at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Responses to questions on 5th and 6th grade science tests: 
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. 
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should. 
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there. 
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.  
           Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on. 
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. 
Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas. 
Momentum is something you give a person when they go away. 
A monsoon is a French gentleman. 
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and 
           plural at the bottom. 
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow. 
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting.  
            When people do it, we say they are crazy. 
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. 
Thunder is a rich source of loudness. 
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.  

I recall a story my father used to tell about a pastor who had been at a church 
for 20 years. To show their appreciation for all his years of faithful service, 
the congregation decided to collect an offering and buy him a new car.  
So on the Sunday of his anniversary they had a special reception in honor of 
the pastor and his wife. 
Lots of visitors come in for the occasion. Near the end of the reception, the 
chairman of the deacons got up and presented the keys to a brand new Lincoln 
Town Car to the pastor. The pastor was so overwhelmed he really did not know 
what to say. After taking a few moments to collect himself, he addressed the 
congregation and emotionally stammered, "I just want you to know that I
really do not appreciate this, but I sure do deserve it."  

A woman walks into a convenience store.  She walks straight to the manager 
and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"
"Sorry," says the manager.  "We're all out."
The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"
"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.
The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"
The manager shrugs, "Sorry."
"Hmmph.  How about Chapstick?" says the woman.
"Nope.  Don't have that."
"Well" the woman says, "If you don't have anything, why don't you close the store?"
The manager shrugs, "Can't.  Don't have the key."

And this last entry is not humor, just FYI

This is great info on how to protect yourself from identity theft.
An Attorney's Advice
Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it someday.
A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his company:
1. The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of first name) 
and last name put on them. If someone takes your checkbook, they will not know
if you sign your checks with just your initials or your first name but your bank
will know how you sign your checks.
2. When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, 
DO NOT put the complete account number on the "For" line. Instead, just put
the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number 
and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check 
processing channels won't have access to it.
3. Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. 
If you have a PO Box use that instead of your home address. Never have 
your SS# printed on your checks (DUH!) you can add it if it is necessary. 
But if you have it printed, anyone can get it.
4. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both sides 
of each license, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your wallet 
and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel.
5. Keep the photocopy in a safe place I also carry a photocopy of my passport 
when I travel either here or abroad. We have all heard horror stories about fraud
that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, 
credit cards, etc.
6. Unfortunately, I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my wallet 
was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieve(s) ordered an expensive
monthly cell phone! package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line 
approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to 
change my driving record information online, and more.
7. But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens 
to you or someone you know: We have been told we should cancel our credit
cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card 
numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find 
them easily.
8. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, 
this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an
investigation (if there ever is one).
9. But here is what is perhaps most important: (I never even thought to do this).
Call the three national credit-reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud 
alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of doing that 
until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made 
over the Internet in my name.
The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information 
was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit.
By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all
the damage had been done.
There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, 
none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional
damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend 
(someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks.
The numbers are:
Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
Experian (formerly TRW): 1-888-397-3742
Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289
Social Security Administration (fraud line): 1-800-269-0271
We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything. 
Pass this information along. It could really help someone you care about.