Good cowboys wear white hats, see this URL:
http://www.catsprn.com/cowboys.htm

"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; 
              Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." 

We wildly underestimate the power 
             of the tiniest personal touch of kindness.

"We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility; 
                      and we learned how to deal with it all."

"If nobody measures up, check your yardstick." 

"My life will not be a journey to the grave with the intention of 
arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to 
skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and 
loudly proclaiming...........'Wow! What a ride!'"  

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. 
Looking up to the heavens, he asks the Lord. . .
"God, what does a million years mean to you?" 
The Lord replies, "A minute." 
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" 
The Lord replies, "A penny." 
Smith asks," Can I have a penny?" 
The Lord replies, "In a minute." 

The following was overheard at a recent high society party...
"My ancestry goes all the way back to Alexander the Great," said one lady.  
She then turned to a second woman and asked, 
"How far does your family go back?"
"I don't know," was the reply.  "All of our records were lost in the flood." 

At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the 
participants were given an awkward question to answer: 
"If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team 
of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, 
how many of you would immediately get off the plane?" 
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless.  
When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content 
to stay aboard.  With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely
to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone takeoff.  

Helping Daddy
One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind.
His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"
"Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.
"Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him.  
"That should make you laugh."
Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"

Doctor:  I see you're over a month late for your appointment.  
Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular 
attention?  What's your excuse? 
Patient:  I was just following your orders, Doc. 
Doctor:  Following my orders?  What are you talking about?  
I gave you no such order. 
Patient:  You told me to avoid people who irritate me. 

The 10 Commandments Monument
Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there 
was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments 
monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building.
You cannot post things like;
"Thou Shalt Not Steal," 
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", 
and "Thou Shall Not Lie" 
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. 
It creates a hostile work environment 

Cinderoofer
When my children received the video of Cinderella as a summer gift, 
they watched it almost nonstop for three days. Since it was warm 
outside, we kept the windows open.
Our neighbors were having their roof reshingled by three burly men.  
As I went out to get the mail one afternoon, I heard a roofer singing,
"...put it together and what do you get?"
"From the other side of the house came a chorus of two more husky
voices: "Bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi bobbidi, bibbidi, bobbidi boo!"

Hiccups Cure
A man entered a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist.
When the pharmacist came out, the man asked if he could give 
him a cure for the hiccups.
The pharmacist immediately reached out and slapped him across the face.
"What'd you do that for?" the man asked.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
"No," the man replied, "but my wife out in the car still does!"

Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a 
community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge 
between my younger and older students. 
My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our 
library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf. 
"What are all these books?" he asked. 
Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias. 
"Really?" he said.  Someone printed out the whole thing?"  

There was an elderly couple in their 80s that was having trouble with
their memory, so their doctor recommended they start writing everything 
down on paper. A couple of days later the man started towards the 
kitchen and his wife asked him where he was going. 
"To get a drink of water" he replied. 
She asked "will you get me a bowl of vanilla ice cream while you're up" 
and he replied that he would. On his way to the kitchen, she warned him 
that he wouldn't remember and should write it down. 
He stated "I can remember a bowl of vanilla ice cream". 
She again stated "you better write it down...you won't remember".
She then asked if he might also put strawberries on top of that ice cream. 
He agreed. She warned him "you better write it down". 
Disgruntled, he stated "I can remember a bowl of vanilla ice cream with 
strawberries on it" She then asked "would you also put some whipped cream 
on top of that ice cream and strawberries?" He agreed. 
Once again she warned "you better write it down...you won't remember".
He once again stated "I can remember a bowl of vanilla ice cream with 
strawberries and whipped cream on top". She finally said "well all right, 
but you know what the doctor said...and you won't remember".
The man finally arrived back from the kitchen after about 10 minutes and 
handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She proceeded to get upset with 
him stating "I told you that you better write it down...that you wouldn't 
remember....YOU FORGOT THE TOAST!

During an impassioned sermon on death and facing judgment, the pastor said 
forcefully, "every member of this church is going to die and face judgment." 
Early on in the sermon he noticed a gentleman smiling on the front row.
The minister kept pushing his theme, "Every member of this church is going 
to die." The guy smiled even more while everyone else in the congregation 
had a very somber look.
In an effort to get through to the guy, the preacher repeated it several more 
times forcefully, 
"EACH MEMBER OF THIS CHURCH IS GOING TO DIE."
Each time the phrase was repeated, the man smiled more. This really got the 
preacher wound up and he preached even harder. The man still smiled.  
The preacher finally walked down off the platform to stand just in front of 
the smiling man and shouted, 
"I SAID EACH MEMBER OF THIS CHURCH IS GOING TO DIE."
At the end of the service the man was smiling from ear to ear. While everyone 
else was looking pretty grim from the prospects, the man was now almost 
laughing out loud. After the service the preacher jumped down off the platform 
and worked through the crowd to find the man. Pulling him aside, the preacher 
said, "I don't get it. Every time I said, 'Every member of this church is going
to die,' you were laughing.  I want to know why you did that?"
The man looked the preacher square in the eye and said confidently, 
"I'm not a member of this church."

A sign at a business establishment in Philadelphia, PA:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 
 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH 
           A SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business
in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such 
an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups 
from all across the country would be marching on this business...
And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the
angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might 
be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement . . .
We are a society who holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our
greatest liberty . . . And after all, it is just a sign. 
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?
A Funeral Home   (Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)
  
A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o’clock 
in the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door where a 
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. 
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down 
and those two guys helped us? 
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" 
"Yes" comes back the answer. 
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband. 
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk!

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis.  
Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale 
for researching the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra. 
Around dusk of the first day, he's sitting by the campfire with his guide 
when in the distance, he hears tribal drums.  They get louder.  
The guide announces, "I don't like the sound of those drums." 
The dusk turns evening. The drums get louder.  
The guide says, "I really don't like the sound of those drums." 
Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, 
until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close.  
The guide says again, "I really don't like the sound of those drums." 
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,  
"Hey man, he's not our regular drummer!"  

In addition to the old lines about "The check is in the mail" and 
"Certainly, I'll respect you in the morning,"
modern events have made for modern lies to take their place among 
the classics. Following are some of the "new" classics:
I never inhaled.
I never watch television except PBS.
I will be devoting my life to finding the real killer of my wife Nicole 
        and Ron Goldman.
The engine is supposed to make that noise.
Just take a left after the lights -- you can't miss it.
Don't worry, I can get another 40 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
Just ignore him -- he's never bitten anyone.
It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
You get this one and I'll pay next time.

"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. 
"I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed 
that she had your face. You can imagine, I found this very disturbing, 
and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. 
I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, 
drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment.  
I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream." 
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding:  
"A Coke? You call that a breakfast?"  

Squirrelsville.... ( A scene at City Hall in San Francisco )
"Next."
"Good morning.  We want to apply for a marriage license."
"Names?"
"Tim and Jim Jones."
"Jones?  Are you related?  I see a resemblance."
"Yes, we're brothers."
"Brothers?  You can't get married."
"Why not?  Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"
"Yes, thousands.  But we haven't had any siblings.  That's incest!"
"Incest?" No, we are not gay."
"Not gay?  Then why do you want to get married?"
"For the financial benefits, of course.  And we do love each other.
Besides, we don't have any other prospects."
"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've
been denied equal protection under the law.  If you are not gay, you can
get married to a woman."
"Wait a minute.  A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I
have.  But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a
woman.  I want to marry Jim."
"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just
because we are not gay?"
"All right, all right.  I'll give you your license.  Next."
"Hi.  We are here to get married."
"Names?"
"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."
"Who wants to marry whom?"
"We all want to marry each other."
"But there are four of you!"
"That's right.  You see, we're all bisexual.  I love Jane and Robert,
Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves
June and me.  All of us getting married together is the only way that we
can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."
"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."
"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"
"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's
just for couples."
"Since when are you standing on tradition?"
"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."
"Who says?  There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples.
The more the better.  Besides, we demand our rights!  The mayor says the
constitution guarantees equal protection under the law.  Give us a
marriage license!"
"All right, all right.  Next."
"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."
"In what names?"
"David Deets."
"And the other man?"
"That's all.  I want to marry myself."
"Marry yourself?  What do you mean?"
"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to
marry the two together.  Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."
"That does it!  I quit!!  You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"