"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, 
"do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?" 
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really 
don't like think like that's really I don't get anything out of it." 
"It's Mrs.  Dulls' English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher. 

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, 
and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through 
a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped 
back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief,  
"You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"  

What's Left Behind...A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his 
name. After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend 
that there was no money left. The friend asked, "How can that be? 
You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. 
How could you be broke?" 
The widow replied, " Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, 
I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist 
and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food 
and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." 
The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? 
My God, how big was it?" The widow replied, "Three carats."

Can I borrow your truck?????
RULES FOR CUTTING YOUR OWN FIREWOOD:
  1. Park twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall.
  2. It helps to notch the tree away from the truck.
  3. The fact that you live within driving distance of a forest does 
          not make you a lumberjack.
  4. Just to be on the safe side, always borrow your buddy's truck.
 
Time to pick on Blondes .... again:
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? 
       They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children? She heard that 1
       out of  every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
       There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the
       escalators for over four hours.
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
        The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye
        while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on 
        which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper 
        lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye
        and asked her to read the letters.
        As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her
        face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about
        getting glasses."
        "I know," agreed the blonde, 
        "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames"
 A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos.
        She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over
        to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos.....it
        keeps things hot and some things cold."
      "Wow, said the blonde, "That's amazing....I'm going to buy it !"
       So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
       Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that,' he asked?
      "Why, that's a thermos.....it keeps hot things hot and cold  things 
       cold," she replied.
       Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
       The blond replied, "Two popsicles, and some coffee."

Remember the good ole days?
Risk-takers!
We licked the beaters and didn't have anyone telling us we were going to
become deathly ill from eating batter with raw eggs in it!
At Easter time, we had our dyed Easter eggs in a nest on the counter and
they sat out at room temperature for the week after Easter. We would peel one 
whenever we felt like it.  I Can't Believe We Made It"!
If you lived as a child in the 40's, 50's, 60's or 70's. Looking back, it's hard to 
believe that we have lived as long as we have...  As children, we would ride 
in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, cabinets, and when
we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.  
Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode 
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.  After running into the
bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were 
back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.
No cell phones.  Unthinkable 
We played dodge ball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut, 
broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no law suits from these accidents, 
They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us..  Remember accidents?
We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue 
and learned to get over it.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were 
never overweight, we were always outside playing games, we shared grape 
soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.
We did not have Playstations, Minted 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 
99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell 
phones, Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms. 
We had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked 
to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell and just walked 
in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing.
Without asking a parent! By our-selves! Out there in the cold, cruel world!
Without a guardian. How did we do it? 
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although
we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did
the worms live inside us forever.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, 
had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held 
back to repeat the same grade. Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide be
hind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.  
They actually sided with the law, imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers 
and inventors, ever.  The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation 
and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to
deal with it all.  And you're one of them.
Congratulations!
Please pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up before
lawyers and government regulated our lives......for our own good. 

Note .......The last one is maybe the best one .......
Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby), herself, admitted she was at a loss to reply to:
Dear Abby: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. 
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into
their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, bad language 
and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby:  I have a man I just never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not 
even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby:  I am a twenty-three year old, liberated woman who has been on 
the pill for two years. It's getting very expensive and I think my boyfriend 
should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss 
money with him.
Dear Abby:  I suspected that my husband has been fooling around, 
and when I confronted him with the evidence, he denied everything 
and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who 
was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby:  My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an 
hour, every week, for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he 
drank until, one night, he came home sober.
Dear Abby: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? 
I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
Dear Abby: My mother is mean and short tempered. 
I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby:  You told some woman whose husband had lost interest in sex to 
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and 
he is a doctor.
 Dear Abby:  I joined the Navy to see the world. 
I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?

Adult-speak is not always clear to young ears. What children hear ........
 1. A little boy was in a relative's Wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, 
he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, 
he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went-step, step, ROAR; 
step, step, ROAR; all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd 
was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. 
When asked what he was doing the child sniffed and said, 
"I was being the Ring Bear."
 2. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. 
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could 
tell  her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, 
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
 3. One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets, 
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
 4. A little boy was overhead praying: "Lord, if you> can't make me a better 
boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
5. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on their 
way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" 
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
 6. The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel platform, jerking the mike 
cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord 
and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, 
a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, 
"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
7. Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together 
in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had 
had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." 
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of 
the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
 8. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked "Grandma, do you know 
how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 
"No, how are we alike?" "You're both old." He replied.
 9. A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming 
quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her 
grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? 
The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
10. I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, The Lord's Prayer. 
For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from
 the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she 
carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer 
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
 11. A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. 
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother 
saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, 
He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait." 
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
12. One Sunday in a Midwestern city, a young child was "acting up" 
during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain 
some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle. 
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle. 
On his way out just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little
one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
  
Actual Newspaper Screw-Ups!
"The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for pets 
owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be $1.50."
"The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa Barbara Avenue as 
the dead man was crossing the intersection."
"Dr. Benjamin Porter vistied the school yesterday and lectured on 
"Destructive Pests". A large number were present."
"The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials 
are holding their breath until it is officially finished."
"The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a 
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to 
purchase a stomach pump."
"The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and 
commuted for some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, 
where they are happily living."
"This coming Sunday evening, the President and his wife will deliver 
a joint television address on the subject of drug abuse."
"Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule 
market in the world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor."
"A whimsical number titled "London Derriere" was played by Stein as 
his salute to St. Patrick's Day."
"The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners 
in New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. 
The bill also applies to Buffalo."
"The attorney general's office said yesterday that an autopsy performed 
on the headless body of a man found in Mason failed to determine the 
cause of death."
"The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china."
"He called on the Kentucky legislature to clarify the state abortion statute 
to define whether it applied to pregnant women."
"Moby Dick," the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be 
seen again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role."
"Weight Watchers will meet Tuesday at 7pm at the First Presbyterian 
Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance."
"Hear Paul Lucas. The complete dope on the weather."
"Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, 
which will be followed by Friday."
"Gene Autry is better after being kicked by a horse."
"The women included their husbands and their 
children in their potluck suppers."
"Migraines strike twice as many women as do men."
"The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as 
she came down the aisle."
"Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a 
battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant 
that the talk was given by a bottle-scarred hero."
"In a recent edition we referred to the chairman of Chrysler 
Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. 
The "Gazette" regrets the error."