"Safety is something a lot of people learn by accident." 

"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you 
are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because 
you are a vegetarian." -- Dennis Wholey

"There's always one of my uncles who watches a boxing
match with me and says, 'Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, 
for that kind of money, I'd fight him.' As if someone is going to 
pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in
the face once and cry." -- Larry Miller

"There's a store near my house with a sign that says, 
'Unfinished Furniture'. I have to go in there. I'm looking for a 
nice three-legged table." --George Carlin

The young suitor was determined to win the heart of the girl he wanted to 
marry, in spite of her rejection of his proposals a number of times.
He began what can only be called a "Campaigning" and sent her a small 
token of his affection every day for a month to her house.
The plan was successful too -- the young lady fell in love with the UPS man.

My wife and I went to a "Dude Ranch" while in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English
saddle, and she asked what the difference was.
He told her one had a horn and one didn't, she replied, "The one without
the horn is fine.  I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital 
for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. 
A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large,intimidating 
looking machine with tubes and wires and dials.
"Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine."

On a cruise to Alaska, I saw my very first glacier in the magnificent 
Inside Passage.  Excitedly, I asked the ship's officer what it was called.  
"It's some dumb glacier," he replied.  
Disappointed by his attitude, I bought a map to figure it out for myself. 
I calculated our location and found the name of the ice mass.  
It was called, just as he had said, "Sumdum Glacier."  

The man had finally got around to taking all the broken umbrellas to the 
repair shop. Next morning on his way to his office, when he got up to 
leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging 
to the woman beside him, for he was in the habit of carrying one.
The woman cried "Stop! Thief!", grabbed her umbrella back and 
embarrassed the poor man no end!
That same day, he stopped at the repair shop, and received all eight of his 
umbrellas duly restored. As he entered the street car, with the unwrapped 
umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold, glaring at him, 
the lady of his morning's misadventure. Her voice came to him charged with
a withering scorn: "Had a good day, didn't you!"

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.  "Oh, Mom, I tried to 
make Grandmother's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful!  
I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's 
the one you gave me.  But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset.  
I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf.  
What could have gone wrong?" 
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe.  
You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and 
together we'll figure it out." "OK," the bride sniffled.  
"Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef' ..

A young man was having some money problems, and needed $200 to get 
his car fixed and road-worthy again but had run out of people to borrow 
from.  So, he calls his parents via the operator, reverses the charge and says 
to his dad, "I need to borrow two hundred dollars." 
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think 
there may be a bad line." 
The boy shouts, "Two hundred.  I need two hundred dollars!" 
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father. 
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly." 
The father says, "Oh, good.  You send him the money!"

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed.
With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with
my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his
piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But is not only that mom,
I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in
the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one 
of my dreams. I've learned that marihuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll 
be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the 
cocaine and ecstasies we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for
Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old
now and I know how to take care of myself.
Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to
show you that there are worst things in life than the school's report card
that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!

Phrases for you to use in a job interview; or to interpret when interviewing!
Phrase: I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organization.
Meaning: I've used Microsoft Office.
Phrase: I'm honest, hard-working and dependable.
Meaning: I pilfer office supplies.
Phrase: I take pride in my work.
Meaning: I blame others for any mistakes.
Phrase: I'm personable.
Meaning: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
Phrase: I am very adaptable.
Meaning: I've changed jobs a lot.
Phrase: I am on the go.
Meaning: I'm never at my desk.
Phrase: I'm highly motivated to succeed.
Meaning: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the 
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for 
repairs to the church building.  Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the 
regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last 
minute.  The substitute wanted to know what to play.  
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently.  "But you'll have to 
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the 
finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, 
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice 
as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. 
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."  
At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner." 
  
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. 
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy 
an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, 
(a 100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. 
So he  asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church 
with me today,  we will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but 
he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to  
church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. 
So he waiteda few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against 
the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to 
church with me and learn about The Lord!"
A little voice came out of the box:...
"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

The following questions and answers were collated from the SAT tests 
given to 16 years-old students! Don't laugh too hard -- one of them 
could become president one day! You have to admit some are very creative.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
      like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the ocean?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to 
    flow toward the moon because there is no water on the moon and nature 
    abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax 
     and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, 
     the borax contain heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity 
    contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraption by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
A. The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman Emperor..
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so 
      they look like umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
And just think, one day our social security payments will depend on these kids.

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. 
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife 
with endearing terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc... 
The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very
 much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and 
said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call 
your wife those loving pet names." 
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, 
"I forgot her name about 10 years ago. 

The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've 
learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." 
"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???" 

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man 
in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was
waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and 
said, "I was going to park there!" 
The man was a real smart aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when 
you're young and bright." 
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed
it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes. 
The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?" 
The little old lady smiled and told him, 
"That's what you can do when you're old and rich!" 

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of 
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for 
a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly 
gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your 
hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." 
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit 
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" 

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old 
man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up 
on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. 
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these 
diseases when you were young did they?" 
Grandpa replies, "Nope." 
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" 
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."