"It's better to have loved and lost a short person than never to have loved a tall." - David Chambless The other day, Avril and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, Avril finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right." "Fine." I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong." I grinned and replied, "You're right." Food Allergy Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician. I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son. When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me. Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse. Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have. When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read: "Do not take with broccoli." Calling Collect........ My mother was away all weekend at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Marcia on the line. Will you accept the charges?" Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!" Illustrations of Mistakes If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture! If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention! If an explorer makes a mistake, It's a new discovery! If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident! If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law! If a professor makes a mistake, It is a new theory! If a hairstylist makes a mistake, It's a new style! If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion! If parents make a mistake, It is a new generation! If the boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake! If an employee makes a mistake, Now, that is a "MISTAKE!" Three mischievous boys went to the zoo one day for an outing, since they had been at school all week. They decided to visit the elephant cage, but soon enough, they were picked up by a cop for causing a commotion. The officer hauled them off to security for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell what they were doing at the elephant cage. The first boy innocently said, "My name is Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The second added, "My name is Larry, and all I was doing was throwing peanuts into the elephant cage." The third boy was a little shaken up and said, "Well, my name is Peter, but my friends call me Peanuts." PONDER THESE EVERY DAY THINGS Can you cry under water? When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky-dunk." How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Taxes? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you? Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Cats and Physics, as in LAWS Of Cat Behavior LAW OF CAT INERTIA A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. LAW OF CAT MOTION A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. LAW OF CAT MAGNETISM All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric. LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat. LAW OF CAT STRETCHING A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken. LAW OF CAT SLEEPING All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat. LAW OF CAT ELONGATION A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it. LAW OF CAT ACCELERATION A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop. LAW OF DINNER TABLE ATTENDANCE Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served. LAW OF RUG CONFIGURATION No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long. LAW OF OBEDIENCE A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something. FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn't Matter. LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE As yet undiscovered. "Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery" OOPS !! I wonder what this does! Hand me the saw someone! Did he say the right or left leg? It is now out of my hands, Nurse, could you grab it? It's over there behind the keg. I'd feel a lot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like back at night school. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Rats, there go the lights again... "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em." Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. What's this doing here? That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...! Anyone see where I left that scalpel? And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had kids, am I correct ? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card ? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness. What do you mean you want a divorce ? Tidbits on Flying... All too rarely, flight attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported by passengers: 1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!" 2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." 4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane" 5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." 8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised." 9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." 10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 11. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." 12. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" 13. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt." 14. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." 15. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?" 16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." A fire fighter was working on an engine outside the station when he noticed the little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a fire fighter's helmet and the wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire truck; the fire fighter said with admiration. Thanks said the little girl. The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. Little Partner, the fire fighter said, I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster. The little girl replied thoughtfully, You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren! Mayonnaise Jar and coffee When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the coffee. A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things -- your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions-- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff." If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked," he said. "It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a cup of coffee with a friend."