"There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot." Yesterday is history. Tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present! Funny Quotes: "On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks." -- H. Allen Smith "I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home." --Groucho Marx "What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a good idea." --Mahatma Ghandi An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film. How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges? If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?! If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he'd been a long-haul truck driver. I'd love to drive a big rig," I said, "but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel." "Here's a tip to stay awake," he offered. "Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window." True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead." A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi. Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. Last week, I won enough money in the lottery to quit my job and move down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in. My name, Leone, is a feminine spelling of Leon, which often causes confusion. When my car registration arrived marked "M" for male, I sent it back to the motor-vehicle bureau with this request: "I am an 'F.' Would you please make the correction?" The bureau promptly sent me another form. It read: "Please give the reason for this change." A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with ......... so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz. Apology - Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop: "Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandma in bloomers." Cashier reply's: "That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!" I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked. I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?" We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special." "How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the eggs home. My daughter, Mary, goes to extremes in caring for her new sports car. One afternoon we went to get gas. When the attendant asked what kind, Mary said, "Unleaded -- super. The best you have. And check the oil, please." When the man found the car needed a quart, he asked, "What kind do you use?" "I just want the finest," Mary said. "Whatever it costs. And look at the radiator too. It might need water." "What does it take," the attendant inquired, "Perrier?" Getting Older? I used to have Saturday Night Fever......... Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes. Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you? My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age...... But they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty." Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches. Don't let aging get you down ....... It's too hard to get back up! We all know that Columbus believed the world was round when others believed it was flat and that if you traveled far enough you would go over the edge. We also know that Columbus reached what we now know as America. While there are still a few who believe Columbus returned to Spain and told Queen Isabella that he discovered a new world, most believe he had told her he had reached India. Recently documents written by Queen Isabella's official scribe were uncovered revealing what Columbus actually said on returning from his first voyage. His first words were, "I'll bet I'm the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon." A Mafia Boss finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. The bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit and the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that since a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd never have to testify in court. When the Boss goes to shake down the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Boss asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you're talking about." The attorney tells the Boss: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Boss pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Boss asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have it in you to pull the trigger." "Government Office Rules" 1) If it rings, put it on hold. 2) If it clanks, call the repairman. 3) If it whistles, ignore it. 4) If it's a friend, take a break. 5) If it's the boss, look busy. 6) If it talks, take notes. 7) If it's handwritten, type it. 8) If it's typed, copy it. 9) If it's copied, file it. 10) If it's Friday, forget it! A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss' kind offer. The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?" The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons. "Well, what are they?" asked the boss. "The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking such a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation." The boss asked him what the other reason was. "The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I thought my taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation." Prison Or Work? Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit clearer. IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK..you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON...the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...you must deal with mean wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers Have a Great Day at WORK !! Tips for Managers and Bosses Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have no where to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway. Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office. Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. Candidate dozed off during interview. The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company?" "What is the company motto?" "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" "Does your health insurance cover pets?" "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" POLISH DIGITAL CLOCK The University of Poland science students have finally finished their digital clock they have been working on for 4 years. Go to this site to see the results: http://www.yugop.com/ver3/stuff/03/fla.html Wait for it to load. This is a real clock, and it's pretty cool. :-)