"If you're too open minded your brains will fall out." 

This is a 9-11 memory tribute web page "We will never forget"
    http://www.members.cox.net/classicweb/Heroes/heroes.htm
Remember the 1950's ? maybe you'll enjoy this web page
     http://www.centex.net/~elliott/

"A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement 
speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and 
gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success." - Robert Orben 

Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government 
can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the 
stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington.
Also they track her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 
11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
The solution is to give every illegal alien a cow

Geraniums .......  "I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop,
"We don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly,
"No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

A man learned shortly before quitting time that he had to attend a 
meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his car-pool members to let 
them know that he would not be leaving with them.
He hastily scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk: 
"I have a last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Dave."
At 7:00 p.m., the man came back to his desk and found this note: 
"Meet us at the bar and grill across the street. You drove, idiot!"

Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, 
her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods.
Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his 
good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to 
his room while she washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard.  
She called out "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine 
voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

The police recently busted a man selling 'secret formula' tablets he 
claimed gave eternal youth.  
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he 
was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud. 
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.

My husband, a forester, often has to consult property owners to 
determine boundary lines.   
Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered 
signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep Out...  
This Means You!"  Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the 
congenial, cooperative landowner.   
When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, 
"Come and see me again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way."  

Remember the instrustion to hit F1 for Help 
My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he
noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with
her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same
position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.
Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.
She replied, "It's about time!  
I pressed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"

Smart As A Brick Test
While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several 
students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with 
pencils and clipboards in hand.
"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
 "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the 
freshmen how many bricks it took to finish this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were 
out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied simply, "One."

Another Simple Test
Think of a number.
Multiply it by 3.
Now add 5.
Take away the number you first thought of.
Now add 7.
Subtract 2.
Add back the number you first thought of.
Now, close your eyes..........................
...........................................................  Dark, isn't it?


Two dogs were walking down the street. 
The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back." 
He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a 
minute, then walks back across the street. 
The other dog says, "What was that about?" 
The dog first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my messages."

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't 
start because it was out of gas. A passerby told me there was a service
station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged
the distance in the sweltering sun.   
The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured 
the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't 
open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away.
That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.   
Wearily I walked back to the station. "You know," the attendant suggested 
helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, 
you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."  

The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books 
by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would 
have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they 
were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. 
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a 
new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across 
to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so. 
The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. 
The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then 
handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. 
Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, 
"That other librarian we had could write."  

I saw a report recently, about how gravity, which is a non-renewable 
resource, is gradually diminishing. Top scientists agree, "With the 
present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be 
exhausted before the 22nd century." say several prominent physicists.  
"There is a direct link between the vanishing of the ozone layer and the 
decrease in the earth's gravity supply. We're already seeing the effects 
of the disappearance of the ozone layer, but we're not likely to feel the 
effects of vanishing gravity during our lifetimes.
However, our children will probably have to deal with the issue." 
It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to consider. 
The obvious impact will be on engineering, like keeping bridges and
buildings weighted down, but what about sports? Breaking records for 
the high jump will become easier.  Football kicks will grow longer and 
an 92-yard field goal will not be unheard of. 
Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help. 
We can conserve Gravity, just follow these simple suggestions: 
(1)  Walk with a light step.  Carry helium balloons if possible.
(2)  Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights.
(3)  Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like snorkeling.
(4)  Avoid showers ..  take baths instead.
(5)  Don't hang all your clothes in the closet, keep them in one big pile.
(6)  Stop flipping pancakes.
This is most assuredly not a joke. What could be more serious?  
After all gravity is the opposite of comedy. You may be laughing now, but
just picture your great grandchildren wearing safety tethers and tied to 
concrete posts, unable to play outdoors for fear of floating away on a windy day.
Please be gravity conscious, while we still have some. 

A Spanish King was being attacked constantly by warlords.  
He called his advisors together and asked them to come up with a solution. 
One said, "Remember the Greeks and the Trojan Horse?" 
"Let's find out what the warlords like and we'll do the same trick." 
"We know they won't eat pork, so a pig is not the answer.  
Chickens! They love chickens and eggs." 
The Spanish King asked his carpenters to build a giant chicken, 
but they said it was too complicated, so they decided to build a giant 
wooden egg. They filled the egg with Basque mercenaries and rolled 
it in front of the warlord encampment. 
"Oh mighty Chief, we have brought you a gift."  
The warlords pulled the wooden egg inside their encampment.  
Soon there was great activity in the warlords camp -- they were 
feverishly building a giant pot. When they finished, they filled it 
with water and hauled the giant egg up into the water filled pot, 
and lit a fire under it. They were going to make a giant hard boiled 
egg breakfast for the troops! Soon smoke rose from the center of the
camp. The Basques realized they were cooking the egg! 
Moral: Don't put all your Basques in one egg! 

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these 
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she 
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. 
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to 
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her 
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. 
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of 
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the 
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a
leather jacket at the same time. 
He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. 
He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to 
him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it 
by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over
her leather jacket. 
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can 
and it said..........  
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"