"It's much easier to ride a horse in the direction he's is going." Toilet training a young child is always a matter of pot luck. (Evan Esar) Ever wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of California? It's 'cause their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to avoid car Sonoma. (Cynthia MacGregor) The bar mirror allowed him to watch his drinking. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) The priest did not appreciate the smell coming from the commune. He was incensed. (Jason Dias) The dentist mistakenly poured sulphuric acid in his patient's mouth. It was a case of acid dental death. (Alex Rodriquez) Most people thought the location of the church under the billboard was an accident, but it was really by design. (Jason Dias) She dumped the guitarist because he wanted to string her along. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) Dieting is a way of living a little longer by starving yourself to death. (Renee From Napa) As he approached the bridge in rush hour, his radio played The Car Strangled Spanner. (Pun of the Day) When the trucker passed the mountain driving test, he made the grade. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) One young lady told a friend, 'Whenever I'm down in the dumps I buy myself a dress.' The other one said, 'I've always wondered where you got them.' (Milton Berle) While delivering 1000 gallons of dark pigment he almost painted, then blacked out. (Pun of the Day) When she ran out of window cleaner, Mom faced no solution. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) Earthquake predictors are faultfinders. (Tim Davis) After he hung the mirror he reflected on it. (Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon) Suck It In I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped, "I don't think that is going to help much, hon." "Sure it does," he said. "How else can I see the numbers?" Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't. This is this cat This is is cat This is how cat This is to cat This is keep cat This is an cat This is old cat This is person cat This is busy cat This is for cat This is forty cat This is seconds cat Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I betcha you can't resist passing it on. A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent a social security agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them." "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus room and board." "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco." "Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to TALK to that man!" "You're talkin' to him now," said the farmer. Cat Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back, For windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I'll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule To NEVER tell a human that The world is really ruled by CATS! ~ Author Unknown How observant are you? There are 20 questions about things we see every day. How many can you get right? These little simple questions are harder than you think--it just shows you how little we pay attention to the common place things of life. Put your thinking caps on. 1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom? 2. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch? 3. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them? 4. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg? 5. How many matches are in a standard pack? 6. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white? 7. Which way does water go down the drain, counter-clockwise or clockwise? 8. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run? 9. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on? 10. Whose face is on a dime? 11. How many sides does a stop sign have? 12. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side? 13. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel? 14. How many sides are there on a standard pencil? 15. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc: Who's missing? 16. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark? 17. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center? 18. There are 12 buttons on a touch-tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits? 19. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip? 20. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise? Don't look at answers below until you finish all the questions! A man driving in Southern Indiana, heading for Kentucky, saw a sign that read: "LAST CHANCE FOR $1.55 GAS!!!" He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank cheap. As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "So, how much IS gas in Kentucky?" The man replied, "A buck and a quarter." Note: For those that don't know, "The Sled" is the SR-71 Blackbird spy plane from the 1960's and still flying and still the fastest. In his book, "Sled Driver", SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day asWalt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed. "90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That's about 2004 mph for those who don't know) No further inquiries were heard on that frequency. In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet? The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared. The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!" The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will." When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq, the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "Broomstick One". And they say the Army has no sense of humor! Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the MD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" Our hero, the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one." There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running, "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach." A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff." Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot." "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727? The Answers: 1. Bottom 2. Right 3. 1, 0 4. Right 5. 20 6. Red 7. Counter (north of the equator) 8. Towards bottom right 9. Left 10. Roosevelt 11. 8 ( Editor thinks 2, front and back, with 8 edges) 12. Left 13. 5 14. 6 15. Bashful 16. Ace of spades 17. ONE 18. *, # 19. 3 20. Counter Daffynitions 1.. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. 2.. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do. 3.. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage, 4.. Burglarize: What a crook sees with, 5.. Control: A short, ugly inmate. 6.. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. 7.. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living. 8.. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist. 9.. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does. 10.. Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot. 11.. Misty: How golfers create divots. 12.. Paradox: Two physicians 13.. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower 14.. Pharmacist: A helper on the farm. 15. Polarize: What penguins see with. 16.. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. 17.. Relief: What trees do in the spring. 18.. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife. 19.. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6. 20.. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does. 21.. Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official. 22.. Subdued .... like a guy, like works on one of those, like, submarines, man!