"Suburbs - where they cut down the trees 
            and then name the streets after them." 

A southern belle was looking to buy a house. 
The seller said, "This house hasn't got a flaw in it!"
The southern belle replied, "My lands! What do y'all walk on?"

"Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it." 
--Christopher Morley
"It is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis." 
--Margaret Bonnano

"How Fast?"
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 
"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco 
to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

Joey Sets The Table
A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, 
and it was little Joey's job to set the table.
But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, 
"Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?"
"I didn't think I needed to," as everyone listened as Joey explained, 
"I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse."

While assembling furniture, my friend Debbie asked her roommate's 
five-year-old son to bring her a screwdriver. "Do you want a 'Daddy' 
screwdriver or a 'Mommy' screwdriver?" the little boy asked. 
Confused but preoccupied, Debbie absentmindedly said, 
"Bring me a 'Mommy' screwdriver." 
The child came back and handed her a butter knife.

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane 
that departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.
I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not 
surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage 
and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"
Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"
"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor
the traffic conditions. Frequently jammed is the 
Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote 
the national anthem. The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; 
among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish 
moving out that morning, and we were going to start moving 
in that afternoon.
We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. 
The couple was sitting down for a breather before they left. 
The wife suggested to her husband that they go to McDonald's 
for lunch. She told us with guilty pleasure, 
"I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries."
Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face. 
He told us, in all seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."

For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator 
at a busy company.  After a good annual review, my supervisor told 
me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.   
A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me 
the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? 
I clearly wasn't doing my job.   
Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the 
lobby or talking on the phone.  

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, 
the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. 
He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." 
A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, 
"How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." 
A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." 
Finally, the boy asked his father, 
"Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, 
you never learn nothin'."

A young man was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold 
down a job. After a visit to the employment office, he was offered 
work at the local zoo.
When he arrived for his first day, the keeper, aware of his 
reputation, told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how the young man 
was doing and found him standing by an empty enclosure 
with the gate open.
"Where are the tortoises?" he asked.
"I can't believe it," said the new employee, 
"I just opened the door and whooooosh, they were gone!"

There was a university in New England where the students operated
a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. 
There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an 
undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there 
were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade. 
A student who had spent the weekend on pursuits other than his 
assignment, went to the "bank" and as his course was a standard 
one he took out a paper for an inconspicious C, retyped it and 
handed the work in. 
In due course he received it back with the professor's comments
"I wrote this paper myself twenty years ago. I always thought it 
should have had an A, and now I am glad to give it one!"  

During the time I was a first lieutenant at Seymour Johnson 
Air Force Base in North Carolina, the junior officers challenged 
the senior officers to see who would donate the most blood. 
After trying several times to locate a vein in my left arm, 
the technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle 
into my right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a 
Band-Aid on that arm as well. 
As I left the collection facility, I passed a colonel.  
Noting my two bandages, he looked at me and shook his head, 
saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."  

Funny Quotes:
"I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when 
I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's 
no rehab for stupidity." -- Chris Rock
"A New Hampshire couple has walked the 5,000 mile length 
of the U.S. in 18 months. They expect their return trip to take 
another year and a half. They're booked on United." -- Alan Ray
"I was about to walk on to do my show one night when a man 
in the audience stopped me and said, 'Rodney, do me a favor 
before you go on. Could I have your autograph...
and some more butter?'" -- Rodney Dangerfield

"The Middle Wife"
By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, 
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade 
classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions 
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and Usually, show-and-tell 
is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they 
catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations 
on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes 
her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under 
her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby 
brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months
through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh 
and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in 
amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around 
the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!
Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign
on the car like the Domino's man."
"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her 
back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept 
in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, 
like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are 
miming water flowing away. It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'"  
"They started counting, but never even got past ten." "Then, all of a sudden, 
out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said was from 
Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, 
I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.
Life is meant to be lived . . . enjoy!
Laughing helps.  It's like jogging on the inside

Shows that may be appearing on TV soon, as a result 
of the electronic and computer age: 
Modem, She Wrote: 
Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: 
why her modem won't ever connect at 56k. 
Micro-CHiPs: 
Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway. 
Hawaii 6.0: 
An upgraded version of the classic series.
Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online. 
T.  J.  Hacker: 
A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, 
takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants 
who canceled his TV show. 
The Excel Files: 
Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft 
Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there. 
The AOL-Team: 
Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. TT unite 
to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism. 
Magnum, PC: 
This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes 
by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii.  
Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the 
wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak 'n' Spell? 
The Incredible Bulk: 
The exciting adventures of Windows, 
which just keeps growing and growing.  

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF... (2003 Version) 
Your standard of living improves when you go camping. 
Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens. 
You have jacked up your home to look for a dog. 
You have a relative living in your garage. 
Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer. 
There is a belch on your answering machine greeting. 
You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode. 
None of the tires on your van are the same size. 
You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on  it
Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test. 
Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade. 
Your local beauty salon also fixes cars. 
Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. 
You've slow danced in the Waffle House. 
Starting your car involves popping the hood. 
Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays. 
You whistle at women in church. 
You actually wear shoes your dog brought home. 
You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale. 
You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so 
you can reach the kids in the backseat. 

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some 
sheer lingerie for his wife He is shown several possibilities that 
range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. 
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife  and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and 
model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer 
that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modeling naked 
and return it the next day and get a $500 refund for myself. 
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. 
The husband says, "Good Lord! 
You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
Funeral Services are pending.

Lost in Translation
  Cocktail lounge, Norway: 
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN 
IN THE BAR." 
At a Budapest zoo: 
"PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY 
SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY." 
Doctors office, Rome: 
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. 
Hotel, Acapulco: 
"THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED 
ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE." 
Dry cleaners, Bangkok: 
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. 
In a Nairobi restaurant: 
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE 
OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On the grounds of a private school: 
"NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION." 
On an Athi River highway: 
"TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, 
THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE." 
On a poster at Kencom: 
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? 
IF SO, WE CAN HELP." 
In a City restaurant: 
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS. 
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: 
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS." 
In a Pumwani maternity ward: 
"NO CHILDREN ALLOWED." 
In a cemetery: 
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS
 FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES." 
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: 
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO 
OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED." 
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: 
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR." 
 Hotel brochure, Italy: 
"THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND 
SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER 
THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE." 
Hotel lobby, Bucharest: 
"THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. 
DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT 
YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE." 
Hotel elevator, Paris: 
"PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK." 
Hotel, Japan: 
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF 
THE CHAMBERMAID." 
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across f
from a Russian Orthodoxmonastery: 
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY 
WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, 
ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY 
EXCEPT THURSDAY."
Supermarket, Hong Kong: 
"FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND 
COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE." 
From the "Soviet Weekly": 
"THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS
BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. 
THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS." 
In an East African newspaper: 
"A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING 
SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN
IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS." 
Hotel, Vienna: 
"IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST 
TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER." 
Hotel, Zurich: 
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF 
ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE 
SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT 
THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: 
"TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. 
WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES." 
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: 
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?" 
In the window on a Swedish furrier: 
"FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN." 
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: 
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE." 
In a Swiss mountain inn: 
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM." 
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: 
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS." 
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: 
"IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, 
YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT." 
A laundry in Rome: 
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND 
THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."