I have always been complaining that my work 
was constantly interrupted, until I slowly discovered 
that my interruptions were my work.   Henri Nouwen

Quick Jokes:
1. Informal...no socks required.
2. Semiformal.....two socks needed.
3. Formal....socks must match.

Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?
A. Someone on the other side could still walk.

Nurse: How is the girl who swallowed the quarter?
Doctor: No change yet!

A man walks into the psychiatrist's office and says, 
"Doc, you gotta help me, I keep having this recurring feeling that 
I'm going to shrink! What can I do?" 
The doctor replied, "Now, calm down, you just need to be a little patient."

Selecting a new Pope, a couple of Popes back, a gentleman from Spain 
was given weighty consideration.  
His name was Cardinal Sicola. However the College of Cardinals decided 
against him in the end. Could you imagine Pope Sicola? 

A mother was reading a book about animals to her three year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "And what does the pig say?"
Child: "Oink, Oink."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother 
and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud-wei-ser."

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot.  
The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and 
said, "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars." 
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" the man wondered. 
The owner replied, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." 
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch. 
"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other 
parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system." 
Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot. 
"That one costs 2,000 dollars." 
"And what does that one do?" the man asked. 
The owner replied, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a thing, 
but the other two call him boss!"  

"I just couldn't believe my eyes"
The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out 
of his front door onto the porch.
Someone dialed 911.
When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness 
and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.
"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. 
"My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving 
the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.  
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, 
would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." 
"Yes," the class said. 
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?" 
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."  

"Law of Everything"
Five Jews changed the way we see the world :
Moses said: "The Law is everything."
Jesus said: "Love is everything."
Marx said: "Money is everything."
Freud said: "Sex is everything."
Then came Einstein....
He said: "Everything is relative!"

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he 
usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. 
One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein 
mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks 
& manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so 
many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, 
"Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket 
and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of
Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question 
about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the 
audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the
chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to 
that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the 
back, answer it for me."
  
Joe woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream.
As the next day came and went, Joe thought the nocturnal outburst 
was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Margaret were 
getting ready for bed, she said dryly, 
"If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."
 
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.  
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most 
of us sitting here, years ago.  Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks erode your 
stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  Vegetables can be 
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the 
germs in our drinking water.  
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, 
or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?"  
A 75-year-old man in the back row stood up and shouted, "Wedding cake."   

Why didn't somebody tell me? 
With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188.00, 
there is a better way when we get old & feeble. 
I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined 
long term stay discount and senior discount of $49.23 per night.  
That leaves $138.77 a day for: Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant 
I want, or room service. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.  
Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, 
dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo 
and soap. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a 
day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 
There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.  
The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).  
To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays.  
For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and 
eat at one of the nice restaurants there.  
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up. 
It takes months to get into decent nursing homes.  
Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.  
And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, 
or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too. 
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. 
They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.
The Inn has a night security person and daily room service.
The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they will call the undertaker or an 
ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and 
Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. 
And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, 
and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. 
The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for?   
So: When I reach the Golden age I'll face it with a grin.
Just forward all my email to me @ Holiday Inn.  

Three things of every kind...
Three things of life once gone, never comes back:
Time, Words & Opportunity 
Three things of life must not be lost: Peace, Hope & Honesty.
Three things of life are most valuable: Love, Self-confidence & Friends
Three things of life are never sure: Dreams, Success & Fortune
Three things make a man: Hard work, Sincerity & Commitment
Three things of life that destroy a man: Wine, Pride & Anger

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah 
and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for 
the congregation to read ahead of time. 
A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the 
story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the 
pulpit Bible together. 
The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. 
"Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the 
page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high." 
He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, 
and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said,
"I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things 
in it that are hard to believe."  

Hey, since we're now living in the time of e-mail and the more common 
use of the written language, it is time for an English lesson.
So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here are some rules to keep in mind 
when using the Queen's Engerlish:
1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).
6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.
11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than 
            necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands and abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical 
       words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: 
      resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Tired of Cleaning
Dirt:
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful 
filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. 
Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone
Cobwebs:
Cobwebs artfully draped over lamp shades reduce the glare from 
the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband 
points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused 
and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on 
them and call them holiday decorations.)
Pet Hair:
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by 
claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play 
animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)
Guests:
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room 
and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle 
the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, 
but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
General Cleaning:
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water
in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous 
location. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh,
"I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere." As a last resort, light the 
oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain 
that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and 
haven't had time to clean . . . works every time!
 
This last one is LONG ....... but too good not to post it!
Consider the following, a certification examination for prospective
teachers, prepared by the Examiners of Teachers for the Public Schools
in Zanesville, Ohio, in the late 1870s:
English Grammar
1. Analyze the following and parse words in italics I cannot tell if
    to depart in silence, Or bitterly to speak in your reproof, Best
     fitteth my degree or your condition.
2. Write the following in prose, and parse the verb awaits:
    The boast of heraldry, the pomp of power,
    And all that beauthy, all that wealth e'er gave, Awaits alike th'
     inevitable hour:   The paths of glory lead but to the grave.
3. Give a brief example of a compound and a complex sentence. 
     Give the rule for the use of the subjunctive mood.
4. Define and give the etymology of verb, prounoun, conjunction and
      adverb. Give example of a defective, an auxillary, an impersonal and 
      a redudant verb.
    How many kinds of prounous are there? Give examples of each.
5. Prior has the following sentence. State it if be good grammar. 
      If not, why?  It it be, parse the word than:
      Thou art a girl as much brighter than her, 
      As he is a poet sublimer than me.
6. Give rule for forming plural of nouns ending in "y," with examples.
     Give plurals of staff, radius, miasma, Miss White, rendezvous,
      talisman, loaf, grief, seraph, Mussulman, forceps, spoonful, who, 
      beef, s, x, 6, and madam.
     Also give the singulars of kine, ashes, banditi [sic], swine, animalcula.
7. Compare chief, much, former, far, forth, next, round, up, ill, full.
8. Give the feminines of abbot, earl, duke, lad, marquis, hero, tiger,
     nephew, testator, bachelor, wizard, and ox.
9. Write the past tense and past participle of these verbs:
     Lay,    Seek,    Sit,    Get,    Dare,
     Thrive,    Lie,    Set,    Light,    Loose,
      Fly,    Flee,    Chide,    Overflow,    Catch,
      Lose,    Swim,    Climb,    Drink,    Stay,
      Leap,    Quit,    Swell,    Burst,    Eat.
10. Define metonymy, catachresis, and hyberbole; and state the
      difference between a metaphor and a simile.
11. Punctuate the following lines:
       But when I ask the trembling question
        Will you be mine my dearest Miss
         Then may there be no hesitation
         But say distinctly Yes Sir yes.
12. Parse the three "thats" in the following sentence:
      He that fears that dog thinks that he is mad.
      Also parse the word "but" in each of the following:
      There was no one but saw him;
      We ran, but he stopped;
      All ran but Peter;
      If you did but know it.
13. Correct the following:
   (a) Although I persuaded the old man, he refused to yield, and I
        expect he divided his estate between his 3 daughters. His example,
        though he meant well, is calculated to have a bad effect.
   (b) As I laid down I seen the smoke rising over the way.
   (c) Whom do you say that I am? or who do you take me to be?
   (d) John and James were both there, though neither were invited.
   (e) As water is froze easier than alcohol, so riches are easier
         acquired than a good name.
   (f) Between you and I, there is some mystery about that fire last
        night. Did you hear where it was at? I am glad none of my friends
        were in the house. I should be sorry if either James or William were
        inculpated in setting it on fire.
Orthography
1. Give etymology of orthography. What are mutes, labials, and
      liquids, and why so called?
2. Give meaning of the prefixes, ante, anti, circum, quad, proto, oct,
      trans, sym, and con.
3. Form derivatives of prefer, begin, stop, run, defy, abridge, tie,
     and die, with the suffix ing or ed.
4. Write a word containing a diphthong, one containing a digraph, and
     one containing a trigraph.
5. Define accent, and mark the accent on the words: inverse, diverse,
     adverse, reverse, obverse, calcine, piquant, orthoepy, abdomen,
     acclimated, area, salutatory, accessary, gondola, illustrate, prolix,
     portent, inquiry, contemplated, expert, extant.
6. Spell the words   (given orally)
Arithmetic
Put all your work on the paper and make it explain itself.
1. Define integer, fraction, interest, discount, power, and root.
2. What effect has multiplying both terms of a fraction by the same
     number, and why; and why in dividing one fraction by another do 
     you invert the divisor and multiply the terms together?
3. If A's age were increased by its 3/7 its 4/5 and 19, the sum would
     equal 2-1/2 times his age; required his age.
4. Multiply 7/8 by .000018 and divide the product by 27 millionths.
5. 32 men agree to construct 28 miles 4 furlongs and 32 rods of road;
    after completing one-half of it, one-fourth of the number of men left
    the company, what distance did each man construct before and after
    one-fourth of the men left?
6. A man drives 97 pegs on a straight line and spaces them 3 ft. 8 in. apart.
     What is the distance from the first peg to the last peg, lowest terms?
7. A man receives $65 interest for the use of $600 for 3 years, 7 months, 
     and 15 days. What is rate per cent.?
8. What is due on the following note? $1200 Zanesville, O., 
     December 10, 1871. One year after date I promise to pay to the order
     of Richard Roe twelve hundred dollars, value received. JOHN DOE
9. Give the rule for obtaining the difference of time, having the difference 
     of longitude, and vice versa, and give the reasons for the rule.
10. A square lot containing 54,756 square feet is surrounded by a close board 
      fence 12 feet high. What would the boards cost at $13 per thousand?
Geography
1. Where does the earth have the greatest diameter?
2. Why do we reckon 180 degrees of longitude and only 90 of latitude?
3. What is meant by the equinoxes?
4. Locate the Crimea, Bombay, Bay of Fundy, and the Capital of Mississippi.
5. Into what three functions is the government of the United States divided?
     -- define each function.
6. Describe and locate the Indus and Niger rivers.
7. Through what waters would a ship pass in going from Duluth to Odessa?
8. Bound France and give five of its chief cities.
9. Name the New England states and locate their capitals.
10. Define equator, zone, latitude, and longitude.
11. Into what bodies of water do the following rivers flow: The Danube, 
     Rhone, Volga, Tiber, Rio Grande, Jordan, and Mahoning.
Plenty of critics maintain that most of today's teaching candidates
couldn't pass this test. Well, even if that were true, it wouldn't
make today's candidates all that different than their 19th century
counterparts. As Joseph Crosby, the man who created the English
Grammar and Orthography sections of this exam, wrote to a friend in 1876:
I gave them a pretty severe test in Grammar, and some of them did make
terrible work of it. One young lady said the singular of "Swine" was
"pigs", another "a hog". One being asked to give me the past tense of "I
lie down" said "I lied", which she certainly did. Out of some 30 or 35 words 
I gave them to spell, not over 10 were spelled correctly by any one,
several missed on all but 5 or 6 -- Yet they blushed & tried so hard
to do well -- and many were graduates of the High School -- that I was
sorry for them. I had no idea that graduates could be so ignorant.
And after all, do we really care these days whether our educators know
the "feminines of the words hero, bachelor, and ox"?
Although this exam may indicate, as Velz wrote, that "our notion of
nineteenth-century education as primitive and backward may need
modification," perhaps what it demonstrates most is the truth of the 
aphorism that the more things change, the more they stay the same.