OK folks, a bit of useful information to start this issue. IMHO Google is the best "Search Engine" for the Internet. Here are some Google extra's ............. (humor items to follow) Google does lots of little tricks. You probably know already that you can enter ticker symbols to get links to stock quotes, street addresses to get links to maps, and numeric expressions to use Google as a calculator. Here are a few new features that you might not have tried yet. Area Codes ....With the proliferation of U.S. area codes, it's not easy to figure out who's calling from where these days. Now you can enter a 3-digit U.S. area code into any Google search box for a link to a map of that area code's location. Universal Product Codes (UPC) ....... Is your checkout scanner on the fritz? Find out more about a product by entering its UPC code into the Google search box. The UPC code is the number on the bottom of the zebra-striped bar code displayed on most product packages. Example: http://www.google.com/search?q=073333531084 Flight tracking ........ Attention, travelers (and those picking you up): find the status of a U.S. flight without delay. Just type a flight number into the Google search box (for example, USAir 50) to see a direct link to that flight's status information. Example: http://www.google.com/search?q=usair+50 Vehicle ID (VIN) numbers ....... Want to learn a little more about that car you're about to buy? Check the Vehicle Identification Number (VIN), then type it into Google for a link to a page with more information about the year, make and model of a specific car. Package tracker ........... Eager to find out what happened to that fruitcake you ordered last December? Enter a tracking number for any package from UPS, Federal Express, or the U.S. Postal Service in any Google search box and you'll see a direct link to information about the delivery status of that package. Learn more at: http://www.google.com/help/features.html Stress management: What many employees like to do on purpose. "God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts." "No one can be caught in places he doesn't visit." Dependence upon God makes heroes of ordinary people like you and me! One of the most successful inventors of all time was the man who invented the hay-bailing machine. Needless to say, he made a bundle. What do you call a cow that plays the violin? "Fiddler on the Hoof" Seen in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is our manure spreader. The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. The second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. The third marriage is the triumph of stupidity. A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" He thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if he's not on it." When little Johnny received his plate he started eating right away. "Johnny wait until we say our prayer." "I don't have to." The boy replied. "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's our house," Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!" The eight-year old boy had never spoken a word-ever. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "Soup's cold." His astonished mother exclaimed, "Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?" The boy looked at her and replied, "Up until now, everything's been okay." I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked. I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?" An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside. "I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within." The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000." The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount!" LIFE IN 8 THOUGHTS 1. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! 2. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk." 3. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press Ctrl, Alt, Delete. 4. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. 5. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? 6. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! 7. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever 8. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in the same courtroom? The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an afternoon on the Potomac... sailing on the presidential yacht. They're admiring the sights when, all of a sudden, the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. Secret service guys start to launch a boat, but Bush waves them off, saying "Wait, wait. I'll take care of this. Don't worry." Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope's little hat, bends over and picks it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard. He hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence from the watching press corps. The next morning, the New York Times carries a story, with front page photos, of the event. The banner headline reads.... . "Bush Can't Swim." An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady. "Yes," he replied. "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!" My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale." Product Warnings and Instructions. On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. On Teco's Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) On Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. On some Swanson frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" A game warden in Southern Louisiana recently stopped a Cajun with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, ma' fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dese ice chests and I take dem back home." "That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said "It's de truth ma' fren, I can show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the Cajun. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?" Golf... I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. I've spent most of my life golfing. the rest I've just wasted. They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five Give me golf clubs, fresh air & a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards? The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. Police One-Liners: "Your life is not my fault." "The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "That says POLICE, not taxi!" "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "You can't outrun a radio." "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Someone, somewhere is practicing. If you're not, and someday, if you should meet, you will lose." "Every dog has it's day. Good dogs have two." "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "I'd rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I don't have." "If it's worth stopping, it's worth writing." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop." "Law enforcement is not a spectator sport." "I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." "You might beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride." "We don't hire cops in this department, we hire common sense and make cops from it." "Your arrest. You catch 'em, you clean 'em." Although we had recently moved into a new neighborhood, our young son had already made many new friends, ten of whom were invited to his birthday party. When the happy day arrived and he opened his presents, I was amazed to see that eight guests had presented him with sweaters. Later I visited the mother of one of the boys to explain about the multiplicity of sweaters in the hope that an exchange might be arranged. She said coolly, "Well, after all, you were the one who wrote on the invitation what you wanted me to buy." For a few minutes I was stunned into silence; then I realized what had happened. Since the party was being held in our basement, which is always cool, I had written on each invitation: "Please have your child bring a sweater." "Biblical Bumper Stickers" Adam: "You are what you eat." Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother." Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'. " Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water." Moses: "From a basket case to the promised land." Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Balaam: "My second donkey talks!" At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years" At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding" The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions. The age of the computer brings much ease and expertise to the preparation of the worship folders (Bulleitns). Some churches which use the same basic format each week can simply call up the form on the computer screen, make a few necessary changes, and presto, it's done. But it can be tricky. In one church I know, they use the same format for funeral services. And when a person dies and a funeral service is prepared, the secretary simply uses the word-search-and-replace process and changes the name of the deceased from the previous service to the name of the deceased who has just passed away. Very simple. So when Edna died, the pastor instructed the secretary to prepare the service for her by following the above mentioned process. The last person who died was Mary. So the secretary instructed the computer to change all "Marys" to Ednas." And so it was. Image the surprise of the attendees when they recited the Apostles Creed and read: "He was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Edna..." A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program. The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and cancelled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses. After his death, Osama Bin Laden went to the pearly gates. There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!" Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed." James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!" Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!" These beatings and thrashings continued as John Randolph, James Monroe, and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader. As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the angel, "This is not what you promised me." The angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"